How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

All night, all I got from my two companions and supporters for the evening was “wow, you’re really not yourself. Are you okay?” After the hundredth time of saying that I am alright I tried to bounce out of my head but I had already become hyper vigilant to my environment and to the people who surrounded me.

Comfortable in my body, bound and changed through the use of duct tape and props but not with the person who was inhabiting it.  I can only imagine the experience being the opposite for an individual who is transgender, to know the person but not being able to fit in the body.

I have always had a great admiration for the transgender population, I have felt that they have been at the fore front of the attacks from the heterosexual community and for much of our time on this planet they have been misunderstood, ignored, abused, victimized, and treated unkindly. This has not only been from our straight counterparts but from the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community.

I do think that things are getting better on the LGB side and that we are attempting to include and educate each other; however transgendered people are still abused and harmed on a regular basis from the world in general. Unlike some of us that chose to be in the closet, we only have to hide our sexuality, but what about when it’s your body you are changing and do not fit into? There is no hiding when you know that your body and person/mind don’t belong with one another.

Like two puzzle pieces that fit together we take for granted the beautifully choreographed dance of our body and mind merging, but for Trans people there is no dance but a battle. I think it’s ironic that more people do not get it, everyday individuals struggle with body weight and disease and feel that they’re bodies have failed them and wished they could change it. Is this so different or hard to understand that someone may feel that they’re body is not rightly shaped and that in order to feel whole it would have to change. We are consistently being forced to see are selves in a one dimensional view point: you have a vagina so therefore you are a female, hence you need to reproduce and like pink!  Well boxes are great for carrying and storing things, but people are far too brilliantly complicated to fit into one box.

Biology is not perfect, and the universe was not created on perfection but the beauty of uniqueness and interconnectedness. So my mission was to interconnect, get uncomfortable and change.

So here was my experience: the night started with laughs and giggles and at first when I got in the car with a slightly itchy crotch and two lesbians teasing me, I was actually feeling pretty good. I was even beginning to feel the male part of my personality come up to the surface, like he had been hiding and remaining quiet all this time in the background.

That feeling lasted all of about 10 minutes, as soon as I walked into the restaurant and the three girls sitting waiting for their table looked at me in disgust, then I felt about two-feet tall.

I was either met with invisible indifference or questioning dirty looks, and honestly it was not the straight people that really got to me but the unresponsiveness of my LBG community.

I thought that for the first time I would be recognized as a person who is attracted to women, but alas I felt invisible (I might just be that ugly and have not yet surfaced out of denial!)

As a Lesbian that is described as femme, which often means “you have that straight look,” I have often felt indistinguishable to my community. I pass as straight and have a child, so therefore I need to Come Out pretty much everyday of my life and am often looked over by my own community.

My friends think this is funny, and yes we have often all laughed at the fact that I am the most open of all of them and yet the most unseen in the lesbian hangouts. So when I had the courage to change and transform into my Lesbian Transgender self I was saddened to see I felt exposed to the straight world even more to be rejected upon but also that I was still very much unnoticed to Lesbians (maybe I was too cute and really did look too much like a straight guy! I can’t win!)

It definitely made me appreciate my body than I did before but I also value the discovery of the male side of me and the kindness and shy boy that lives inside my shell.

He is a pretty cute sweet guy and I don’t intend to keep him in hiding anymore!

Watch the videos to see the transformation as well as to have a good laugh!

Trans for Night 1/6,Trans for Night 2/6, Trans for Night 3/6, Trans for a Night 4/6 (Issues with the penis prop!), Trans for Night 5/6 (Loving the pecs! Well Ellen is loving them!), and Trans for a Night the aftermath 6/6.

Special thanks to Mac for the learning experience and showing me her world, as well to my close and dear friend Ellen for always keeping me smiling and supporting me and my crazy adventures (Holla back girl!)

~The Lesbian Guru

 Please subscribe for future article and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

I walked into my therapist office (aka my co-worker whom I love and adore) and sat on her comfy client’s chair and with a big smile said “Guess what? I met someone! She is perfection, seriously Robin she is magnificent and I am crazy about this girl!” All the while my sweet Lady of Reason is nodding her head with her pen gently pressed against her lip with a half smile.

She waits for me to finish my ecstatic advertisement of my new found love and says with her gentle but firm therapist tone “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No, Ma’am this one I am going to take my time with and get to know… no more psychodyckos for me she is the real deal!” As she looks down at the ground which she always does just before she says something she thinks may hurt me “That’s great, you did good… So how are you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”

I felt my gut turn because I knew exactly what she was referring too, she’s never actually referred it to me like that before but none the less she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior fought and pushed away the one I love.

Have you ever started a relationship and then began the search for what is not right about the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I begin this quest! It is as if my heart begins to beat fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember everyone is crazy and wants something so DO NOT trust this person.”  You begin to nitpick at every possible thing you can find to reassure and empower your negative thinking. 

This is your angry, hurt, negative part that ALWAYS wants to be right. The part of you that says “you are worthless, you are ugly, stupid, they all hate you, you will always be alone, or you do not ever deserve to find somebody, etc…” this part will not shut up until it’s made it’s point and that’s the beginning of self-sabotage.

For some of us it is so ingrained and old we don’t even know it’s there or realize we are doing it, that our crappy self-esteem is slowly winning the war of negative empowerment and that we are pushing people we love or care further and further away!

Back to my Robin, so I look at her now and say “Listen here Lady, I did not sleep with her and I think that’s pretty impressive, no? But I am a little worried because you know she is in recovery and you know the deal with us is at anytime it’s back on the dirt breathing dust again!” She giggles and smiles “Jeez, Alex your already thinking about the poor girl relapsing? A bit stuck in fear aren’t we and focusing on a future that has not happened yet! You might have to go check you’re Serenity Prayer!”

Now she is frustrating me to no end, but I realize right there how self-sabotaging that was and that I jumped into an unknown future and I had to do as she said and read “…Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace…”

As I left her office I began to think of my behavior towards women I fell or have fallen in love with. How much I must of drove them crazy with my “I need you right now’s, and leave me alone your getting too close.” I thought of all the times I made them jealous intentionally to observe a reaction of fear just to know they were truly mine.

The worst thing of all is with every fight, some which I purposefully started, I would always say “I guess it’s over, this is just not working for me!” Always coming from the fears of abandonment and them walking out the door to someone better (because obviously there must be someone better than me, why would you ever want to be stuck with me?)

 I would say the complete opposite, what I wanted to say was “Stay, hold me, kiss me, I need you!” I remembered all them saying to me at least once “Why don’t you cry, it’s like you don’t care and you look so cold,” and with my lips always feeling so heavy I cannot bare to whisper, “I cry when I am alone when you are not near me otherwise you’ll know I care.”

Great! Now I know I love killing relationships with people I love, so how do you overcome it? You change the way you think!

1. Ask yourself new questions. So instead of “I wonder what is wrong with her” or “Will she stay in recovery?” Say “I wonder what we will learn together?” Make a list of all the positives of the relationship and the person or  situation.
2. Relax, take one day at a time, and trust that it will be as it should. As my favorite prayer says “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
3. Stop all those negative tags in your mind. Sometimes we just need to tell our brain to “Shut the F— up!”
4. Stop comparing yourself to others, you are not them and you have no freaking idea what they have been through or will go through in the future! Just stay focused on you, focus on what you can control which is you! You have to trust enough in yourself to know it will work!
5. Make goals and new and healthy belief systems, for example one of mine is “You deserve a healthy relationship, and to be loved beyond this worlds limits, you are beautiful!”, and don’t think I don’t say that shit every morning in the mirror with my three year old looking at me like I am crazy!
6. Make a Poster of what you want, need and desire. I have one that takes up half my bathroom wall and people always leave my home saying they are going to go home and make one because it is beautiful to see dreams in colors on paper! (and it’s like magic, it really works when you stare at it and hold the picture in your head, yes I am crazy and so what?)
7. Always, always, always ask yourself “What do I want?” Validating and recognizing your needs is so important and remind you that you are a person that can, should and has wants! Stop focusing on pleasing others and build your own lesbian esteem by spending moments in the day focusing just on you!

Robin may have been right that I used to do this, but today is a new day and this lady will get to see a healthier side (well at least a little healthier, it’s still a work in progress!)

~The Lesbian Guru

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When did love become a race? When did the earth become such a lonely place or so scary that we all decided to bump into as many people in hopes of meeting someone and finding love? With all the advertising and social pressure to find this person, this soul mate; we have lost the ability to be on our own. We do not know how to enjoy ourselves or even if we are worth being enjoyed.

There is some truth in that, if you do not know who you are or what you like, then how will you expose it to anyone else? It is ironic that there are thousands of books on building self-esteem and self-love that are written and television shows  that makes millions on helping you find it, when really it is available immediately within you! We all know what makes us feel good, because our experiences in life teach us that.

We know what pulls us down because it’s like a familiar banner that runs through our minds every day, when we are tired, angry, lonely, or hungry (because your diet affects your mood)! We see it; listen to it like an obedient dog that has been trained to hear the negative self-talk and go as directed “Yes, I’m stupid”, “You  are right I will never get her she is too good for me”, “Nothing I do is ever right”, “Who am I kidding this will never work.”  Yes, I know those lines too, I have said them more than I care to think about to myself. Why is it people do not see their full potential? Why are we not able to focus on ourselves for long enough to build love and trust in who we are? We as a community and not just Gay women, but society rely so much on what others think and how they behave towards us?

When I was younger (And still am in my own mind!) and lost everything; parents, home, and money I remember thinking what was I so afraid of all these years growing up? I remember the day when I sat on the floor and thought to myself I have lost everything, there is nothing left to be taken away except my life. My Life, not anyone else’s, it belongs to me! I realized everything I had lost was never mine to begin with. All this time I was living in a fake sense of control that if I pleased everyone and was fearful all the time then everything would turn out right. It was not my choosing to be a homeless orphan, not exactly what I planned but it did happen just right! It was just as it was meant to be, because that was one of the many journey I would have to take. I was just in it for the ride and now it was over and a new one was about to begin!

It is wonderful to share those rides with others, and it definitely makes it worth the wait when it happens. However, there are times I believe we have to ride alone. We have to learn to embrace the moments that separate us from others so we can be in full contact with who we are. Your greatest lover, friend, companion, teacher, and pupil should be yourself.

There are dark parts of our soul and character that frighten us into not wanting to get know or even imagine they are there, having distraction in our lives constantly, such as addictions, people, work, etc… to an excess helps us stay away from those parts. It also slowly wears away the parts that makes us happy and are bright!

Living is about balance, look at our magical universe, how it moves, creates and interacts. Always in balance. Look now at our little blue world with it’s little people always moving, needing distraction, noises, and things. That’s why we have big holes in the ocean where thousands of living things will die and disappear from existence.

That example was on a global scale; now make it on an individual level. If you’re constantly hiding, avoiding, or distracting yourself from who you are or rejecting being with yourself- you are making holes!  The more holes, the harder it is to feel self-worth and happiness. To love you, you must love all of you and that means even the “s— bits” as I like to call them. In fact it’s those parts that need the most TLC and attention. They are the part of you as a child that did not get acknowledged or seen or were told to put away.  It’s your time now, time to put some light in those areas of yourself and let them grow.

I will tell you a secret, well it’s not a secret anymore but still might be helpful. I used to lie all the time. It was automatic and without reason, someone could asked me if I had an apple that day and I would say “yes” but I hadn’t! Soon enough it caught up with me, and I wondered why the hell I was making up crap all the time. Well it was out of fear; I did not want to disappoint or not meet someone’s expectations so I lied. Now here is how I remedied my lying, I stopped cold turkey!

If someone got mad I dealt with it, in fact they would get more upset if I lied to them so I just started thinking at least this way I have the truth. In the beginning it was hard because I would catch myself out of habit saying things that weren’t true but then I would right away tell the person “I’m sorry, that wasn’t right I just lied to you, this is what happened.” It was so embarrassing that I soon stopped, but that part of me was a shameful place, my fear of others. Now I give her lots of love and I call that part “My little lost girl.”I make sure I hear her fears inside of me and validate them!

We have to create balance and that starts within. You are the Creator of your world, you are beautiful and wondrous and everything inside of you makes you unique. Your DNA is yours alone. Is that not enough for you to know that there is only one of you? Take a journey to create love for yourself, without external forces directing it. Ask yourself “What brought me to where I am today? Where do I want to go?” “Who is inside on me?” The journey to self-discovery does not have to be scary but it is an adventure!

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe above for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru