How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Gender. Identity. What does it all mean?

They tell me that gender identity is the new hot topic.  I wondered what exactly that meant. I mean after all hasn’t gender always been an issue, wherever it has been the conflict of being a woman, or a man, and now both. Perhaps in the past, gender issues that affect us today were discussed with far more secrecy and ignorance.  Whereas now with the help of technology and science the gender gaps have become smaller making individuals’ happier in their bodies. Or is it even more confused?

L. Weingarten’s ‘Questions’

I know that the LGBT community especially our transgender family are still met with considerable discrimination and hatred, however we do live in a time unlike any other where freedom to be ourselves is growing and awareness of differences is discussed openly. However, with knowledge and freedom comes also a sense of confusion, even more classification is required, and perhaps even more loneliness, “now I have all this knowledge what do I do with it?”

Which brings me to an email I received, a sincere letter that demonstrated the double edge sword that is todays gender identify issue, “I know I can be who I want to be, but how do I know what I am?” For some, it is as easy as making a cup of tea, they wake up and regardless of the body parts they know from within the person they are. Whole heartily they will claim their gender identity and live fully, and of course with bravery.

For others, well the lines are grey and distinctions are lost with feelings of having to choose. Why? Why choose any one identity in particular. What if for some of us our true identity is male and female, in equal amounts? What if you are truly both?

Many will fight to say that sex organs do not make the gender. I am one of those people, I don’t believe having a vagina or a penis is the only aspect of gender. Yes, they help to make a general distinction but I feel we are a little more interesting and complicated than that. One piece does not make the whole! For example, when women have their breasts removed or uterus due to medical reasons does that make them any less of a women?

The Native American’s have a beautiful expression for people like us, “two spirited” because in essence with hold both identities, and will feel one side more that another or be perfectly evenly distributed. However, for those who have no concerns as to their place on the gender identity continuum, I know their are many who it’s a daily battle filled with insecurity and loneliness. Here is some information to hopefully to ease your journey to self-peace.

We can experience identity confusion at any age and it can be affected by our environment.  If you are feeling disgusted by your genitals, isolate, are depressed, anxious, wish to get rid of your genitals, your confused about your self-concept, and are feeling suicidal you need to seek treatment in the form of individual therapy.  There are options today that will allow you the space to grow in the direction you see for yourself and people who will help you.

Sex reassignment through surgery and hormonal therapy is an option, but identity problems may continue after these treatment if one is not whole within.  The main reason is if we are not content with ourselves/soul, we will never feel complete with our body, our shell.

Remember:

• The things that bring you happiness, and that all of us are unique in what brings us happiness and peace. Be at awe with who you are, your individuality and do not compare yourself to others.
• Surround yourself with people that support you and make you happy.
• Don’t wallow in the differences but explore the uniqueness, claim it as your own!
• Take off those lenses that make you see the world in black and white, and become a lover of the color that makes your world.
• Be kind to yourself and spend time exploring your wants and needs, not what is expected and socially “normal.”
• Stay healthy. Take care of your body by eating right, seeing your doctor, and getting help for your mind regularly.
• Most importantly, you deserve to be happy and your body can’t create that nor can anyone else. It is in your mind and the beliefs you have of yourself is which happiness is created.

We are only on earth for a short journey, don’t get stuck in the creases of ignorance. Be the Creator of your own path to who you are.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

I have been sick since Thanksgiving, and it’s bad enough when you’re sick, but feeling like shit and coughing for almost a month will make anyone crazy. Run down, depressed and sad due to current life choices, which is how I always get when I’m feeling down, well I found myself saying a lot “It’s not fair!”

That statement makes my hair raise when any other person says it and I have worked hard to train myself not to fall into that hole, but when your being hit on all sides the “it’s not fairs” take over and we fall in the bottomless pit of being a victim of life’s circumstances.

So still sick, but on my way to recovery and really over everything I am taking a stand, and working on getting over the disease of falling into the victim box.  

I was telling a friend just this week, life is hard and I have every excuse in the world to be an asshole and take whatever I want from others, but I don’t. I could easily fuck who I want and kick them to the curve, lie, cheat, and steal, but I don’t. I could manipulate, abuse, and scare you into staying with me and being in my life, but I don’t. 

When life has hit us hard in all sorts of ways whether you have grown up poor, abused, abandoned, or hurt you have all the excuses in the world to be selfish, hurtful, angry, greedy, and self-centered. You can stay a victim and have the eyes and will to make all those that cross your path a predator- someone worth punishing for all your past pains.

You can use that label to never learn to trust and stay clear of love, pushing and pulling people till they feel so crazy they are running for the exit or have become hopeless to your manner and be complacent with the common habit that is you.

 Or… you could do something different? 

1. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, even better stop comparing those you love with those who have hurt you. I can’t stand it when people start telling me all the things they don’t want. If you don’t fucking want it why the fuck are you thinking about it. WHAT DO YOU WANT! Not anyone else!
2. When we are kids we are trained with certain beliefs “you’re stupid” or “you work hard enough and everything will go right,” “bad things happen to bad people,” but those are ideas that can be changed especially if they make you feel like shit.  You are an adult now, so let go of beliefs, ideas, and expectation that are not working for you. Create the life you want, create beliefs that are realistic and not what you think should happen or what you’re entitled to.
3. Life does not always go as planned, but if life was a blueprint meant to be followed by the line there would be no room to grow or learn.  You can plan all you want but you will still be faced with separation, grief, stress, money issues, family problems, and loss. Theses unplanned events can cause us pain and are often very unfair. Life is about learning, and when upsets happens those are the times we have to take care of ourselves, nurture our relationships, and reevaluate our direction. Feel the pain and then move on, staying put is a sink hole.
4. Let go of resentments. They are an absolute waste of fucking time, unless you like feeling like crap and have all the time in the world. Holding on to disappointment will only set you back and keep you from growing as an individual. Let go of that ugly thought that’s on repeat “it’s not fair. It should have worked out!” It did not my Love so move on.
5. Ask yourself, who told you anything was fair or how the universe should run its course. Take a step back and remember your place in this world. It is not just you, there are others and you share space with all. Be respectful of the fact that you are part of a cosmic community and balance in our world and that means that good and shitty things happen.
6. Stop wanting to CONTROL everything. You can’t and actually really you’re not going to, however disillusioned you are in thinking you have control. There is no such thing as ultimate control, so do your best at building balance between taking and giving of control. One of the biggest lessons westerners have to learn is relinquishing control. When you listen and accommodate for others you are relinquishing control but are getting respect and love back.
7. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t push people away with the “life is not fair” so I am going to do what I want, how I want, when I want. Don’t play with others that don’t want to share and love like you? Find balance and healthy love.
8. Look at your life and ask yourself if you were really were responsible for every bad thing that happened. Be truthful to yourself as those of us that seek utter control also punish ourselves when bad things happen because they were in “control” and made bad choices. Well that’s a lie, because you can’t control the world just you, so forgive yourself for what you think you may have done and let it go.
9. Talk to a therapist. Learn to ask for help. Get a new perspective.

Life is not fair but it is beautiful and wondrous, when you change the lenses you have been looking at it from.

Be powerful by always wanting to learn who you are, questioning your motives and intentions, and move forward always.

Happy Holiday my Darlings! Have a safe and beautiful Christmas.

~The Lesbian Guru 

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

Everyday I get an email from a reader struggling with coming out or even questioning their sexuality.  Confused and lost searching for answers. It upsets me to know how many of us feel alone and with more barriers and walls in front of us in discovering who we are then is needed.

Coming out is stressful issue in an LGBT’s life and that can cause us to make poor decisions. Finding your sexual identity is crucial in being a healthy person, understanding the process even more so. Dealing with that stress may be to go through the transformational process and find ways to stay healthy. I am going to briefly describe the stage of finding ones identity, so as to provide a guide. Now you may not experience these in order and do not compare the stage as one is no better than the other. Just because you find yourself in stage 3 and not 5 does not mean you are any less mature or “underdeveloped.”

1.  Identity Confusion: In this stage you may experience denial or confusion regarding your feelings of attraction and sense of self. Using alcohol, drugs and other substances (AODs) to manage the fears of being homosexual may occur at this stage. Also individuals in crisis in this stage may use AODs to numb their sexual feeling for the same sex.

2.  Identity Comparison: In emotional pain and still confused, contemplation occurs at this stage for the same sex attraction. You may feel vulnerable and exposed and use AODs to help with the anxiety.

3.  Identity Tolerance: There is some settling on the idea that one is gay in this stage “I could be a lesbian?” Questioning and slowly knowing this could lead to feelings of isolation. This is a stage where you may seek out other LGBTs and want to explore the LGBT culture and community. If growth continues in this stage ones self-image may change to “I am a lesbian.” For some of us we may first identify as bisexual before admitting we are gay, simply as it is more socially acceptable, and that is okay.

4.  Identity Acceptance: Creating experiences and connecting further with LGBTs to normalize the new self. However this can lead to more AOD use and even abuse in order to socialize and meet potential partners as there is a fragile sense of self and our LGBT status is still shaping and vulnerable. Also this may be a time where disclosure is made to another of one’s homosexuality, which could lead to anger and abandonment therefore more AOD use!

5.  Identity Pride: During this stage there is an acceptance of how we feel about our sexuality and the rejection of society. Anger may be felt here towards the straight world and you may reject the dominant heterosexual world. Many will become active in the LGBT community and form alliances with others who share their view and fight for equality.

6.  Identity Synthesis: There is an integration here of the homo and hetero world. Anger and the rejection of society lessen and we become less fueled by anger. Our homosexuality has become incorporated with other parts of who we are. If you have been drinking and drugging heavily through the coming out process it may be difficult to get to this point, and many problems may have developed by now in our life due to the choice of coping with AODs.

The less positive your self-identity, the harder it will be to build self-esteem and intimacy with others. Finding the right fit with your sexuality will allow room for growth and self-worth. When you have negative sense of self which could be an identity disorder you are more likely to seek out relationships with partners that reinforce your sense of worthlessness.  

All the identity confusion, drinking, drugging and any other forms of abuse could lead to three kinds of isolation. The first one being cognitive isolation, where there is a lack of information about the LGBT community, how same-sex couples function, how long they stay together, how they determine gender roles, and how they solve relationship issues.

The second is social isolation. Here there is a lack of contact with positive role models which in turn reinforces negative beliefs that our society places on LGBTs. Unfortunately there are not many LGBT role models to grow from as many of us with extreme potential and knowledge live closeted or are indifferent on giving back to the community at large.

Emotional isolation is the last one, poor social support and few resources lead to unhealthy behavior and poor self-esteem which creates a dysfunctional, stressful living conditions and a lonely community. That is why it is so important and pressing that we encourage coming out, building stronger connections to each other, and building a healthier community with abundant resources and role models to help our future and our future families.

Coming out should be a celebration of your true identity being unveiled and released into the world, and it’s difficult without the right individuals leading the way and supporting the process.  I wish there were a more beautiful and transformational term to refer to the process of developing and sharing your sexual orientation. I believe if it were a more affirmative term it would create a more positive and hopeful experience. Words have a powerful and energetic effect on people when said, thought, and expressed. 

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru