How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

When did love become a race? When did the earth become such a lonely place or so scary that we all decided to bump into as many people in hopes of meeting someone and finding love? With all the advertising and social pressure to find this person, this soul mate; we have lost the ability to be on our own. We do not know how to enjoy ourselves or even if we are worth being enjoyed.

There is some truth in that, if you do not know who you are or what you like, then how will you expose it to anyone else? It is ironic that there are thousands of books on building self-esteem and self-love that are written and television shows  that makes millions on helping you find it, when really it is available immediately within you! We all know what makes us feel good, because our experiences in life teach us that.

We know what pulls us down because it’s like a familiar banner that runs through our minds every day, when we are tired, angry, lonely, or hungry (because your diet affects your mood)! We see it; listen to it like an obedient dog that has been trained to hear the negative self-talk and go as directed “Yes, I’m stupid”, “You  are right I will never get her she is too good for me”, “Nothing I do is ever right”, “Who am I kidding this will never work.”  Yes, I know those lines too, I have said them more than I care to think about to myself. Why is it people do not see their full potential? Why are we not able to focus on ourselves for long enough to build love and trust in who we are? We as a community and not just Gay women, but society rely so much on what others think and how they behave towards us?

When I was younger (And still am in my own mind!) and lost everything; parents, home, and money I remember thinking what was I so afraid of all these years growing up? I remember the day when I sat on the floor and thought to myself I have lost everything, there is nothing left to be taken away except my life. My Life, not anyone else’s, it belongs to me! I realized everything I had lost was never mine to begin with. All this time I was living in a fake sense of control that if I pleased everyone and was fearful all the time then everything would turn out right. It was not my choosing to be a homeless orphan, not exactly what I planned but it did happen just right! It was just as it was meant to be, because that was one of the many journey I would have to take. I was just in it for the ride and now it was over and a new one was about to begin!

It is wonderful to share those rides with others, and it definitely makes it worth the wait when it happens. However, there are times I believe we have to ride alone. We have to learn to embrace the moments that separate us from others so we can be in full contact with who we are. Your greatest lover, friend, companion, teacher, and pupil should be yourself.

There are dark parts of our soul and character that frighten us into not wanting to get know or even imagine they are there, having distraction in our lives constantly, such as addictions, people, work, etc… to an excess helps us stay away from those parts. It also slowly wears away the parts that makes us happy and are bright!

Living is about balance, look at our magical universe, how it moves, creates and interacts. Always in balance. Look now at our little blue world with it’s little people always moving, needing distraction, noises, and things. That’s why we have big holes in the ocean where thousands of living things will die and disappear from existence.

That example was on a global scale; now make it on an individual level. If you’re constantly hiding, avoiding, or distracting yourself from who you are or rejecting being with yourself- you are making holes!  The more holes, the harder it is to feel self-worth and happiness. To love you, you must love all of you and that means even the “s— bits” as I like to call them. In fact it’s those parts that need the most TLC and attention. They are the part of you as a child that did not get acknowledged or seen or were told to put away.  It’s your time now, time to put some light in those areas of yourself and let them grow.

I will tell you a secret, well it’s not a secret anymore but still might be helpful. I used to lie all the time. It was automatic and without reason, someone could asked me if I had an apple that day and I would say “yes” but I hadn’t! Soon enough it caught up with me, and I wondered why the hell I was making up crap all the time. Well it was out of fear; I did not want to disappoint or not meet someone’s expectations so I lied. Now here is how I remedied my lying, I stopped cold turkey!

If someone got mad I dealt with it, in fact they would get more upset if I lied to them so I just started thinking at least this way I have the truth. In the beginning it was hard because I would catch myself out of habit saying things that weren’t true but then I would right away tell the person “I’m sorry, that wasn’t right I just lied to you, this is what happened.” It was so embarrassing that I soon stopped, but that part of me was a shameful place, my fear of others. Now I give her lots of love and I call that part “My little lost girl.”I make sure I hear her fears inside of me and validate them!

We have to create balance and that starts within. You are the Creator of your world, you are beautiful and wondrous and everything inside of you makes you unique. Your DNA is yours alone. Is that not enough for you to know that there is only one of you? Take a journey to create love for yourself, without external forces directing it. Ask yourself “What brought me to where I am today? Where do I want to go?” “Who is inside on me?” The journey to self-discovery does not have to be scary but it is an adventure!

~The Lesbian Guru 

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So it’s decided, you can’t walk pass the baby aisle at Target without whimpering you want one. You keep looking at each other wondering what your little bundle of joy will look like and what part each of you will play in the baby’s life! You already started picking names and have transformed the extra room into a nursery! You want a baby, you’re talking about getting more involved in your girlfriend’s child or children’s lives, or maybe you’re talking about adoption! But are you ready for a child?

With any couple it’s important that you talk about having a baby or children seriously before going through the process. It’s a lifetime commitment to another human being with no take backs! Having a child needs to be a choice that feels comfortable within yourself and as a couple. As well as deciding to become more involved in your partners offspring is a serious matter, the attachment a child forms can be a model for future relationships, and as you all know abandonment can stay scared beyond the early years.

In the LGBT world we have so many obstacles as it is and walls we need to break through it is vital for a child’s success that you have to be willing to accept and educate the challenges that you’ll have to face as a Lesbian mom or LGBT parent. Being stable in all areas of life will make the journey of having children a lot easier, so explore where you are financial, career wise, mentally, emotionally, and as a relationship. One big mistake so many people do, no matter what our sexual orientation, is to have a child to keep the relationship. The truth is that having a baby is so stressful from conception to the delivery and beyond that if there is no solid foundation within your relationship it will crumble! So are you ready? Well believe it or not there are more articles and books on Lesbian Parenting and Conception then there are on relationships and intimacy! So getting information about having a baby and raising children is easy, staying health as a Lesbian and in a Lesbian relationship is not as accessible. I have a hypothesis for this equation! We are nesters by nature, always trying to build a home so we always pay close attention to details, so much so that we lose track of the whole picture and forget that it’s just as important, if not more so, to be healthy individuals who are part of a complete family system! I hope and encourage you to go on a search of self-discovery before making a choice to have a baby or bring in a child into your life, in other words get in the closet and pull out all those skeletons and sort at least some of your inner demons out.

Searching and adapting who you are and what you want in life is the key to health and inner peace. Before my child, I was a selfish person, completely self-destructive in every way. I had lost both my parents young and tragically, my mother was murdered in South Africa and my father died shortly after, while battling cancer for more than ten years. I had been living in people’s garages and working five jobs at a time to live and pay for my education, which I wanted more than anything so that I could support my younger sister. I was a thief, a liar, mean, and angry but most of all I was lost! I didn’t know who I was and then all the sudden I was pregnant. It was not a choice, in fact safe sex is my motto, but even with an intrauterine device (IUD) in place two little fertilized eggs managed to lay by it! WHAT? I know, I almost passed out!

Nine months later my beautiful and miraculous child was born! Fortunately, a year before my daughter was conceived I had begun to search within, I spent all my time alone in solitude searching for answers and questioning my impact on the world I lived in. I traveled, which I had always done with others but now I was alone. I had begun thinking more of women and being Gay as well as how I felt about making choices less out of anxiety, fear of disappoint and the unknown and more because of my wants and needs! I began eating and exercising regularly as well as going on a vitamin and supplement diet. I meditated and prayed regularly, focusing on centering myself and calming my anxieties. I also began to also care about what I allowed myself to think, feel, and act upon. I started creating goals and believed that I could go back to school and get my PhD. I was already on the road to recovery but my child is the one that added the rocket fuel to who I am and projected me into another dimension.

She enhanced my life and I decided not to live in fear anymore or under any person’s judgment. I decided to live fully so I could be her role model of the pursuit of happiness and self-growth. She teaches me everyday the wonders of life and living, and each day I force myself to remember who I am and what my intentions are with myself and others, “What do I want out of this? What am I trying to gain?” “What is your intention?”

No, a baby is not going to save you or your relationship! A baby won’t make you happier! Happiness is found within, it’s an internal wonder of life, but children, partners, work and friends definitely enhance it…. But you are the one that Creates It! So before you take that step of bringing another soul into this world or into your home, begin with creating love within yourself and as a couple. Be able to look in the mirror at yourself and say “I love you and I can not wait to share who you are with all that are in my life!” If you can do that and mean it without saying “Whatever” or “This is stupid” then you have already started Your Journey.

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

“I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you’re doing, but I can’t help it, because I’m in love with you.” Still.

Breaking up is so painful and there is no quick and easy way to do it or get over it. One of the biggest struggles we all deal with as individuals and why so many enter into therapy is dealing with Loss. We become attached and start to have a sense of belonging. We grow roots into each other, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or a lover, it hurts when we are ripped away. I’ve often described break ups like a death, because what once was is no more and can not be the same ever again. I think it so painful when Lesbians do break up because we are emotionally driven and form such a unique bond with each other; you mix sex with that and it’s a whole different level. Not to say that any other group would feel less pain or that all women feel that way, I don’t know, all I can do is describe how it feels in a generalized sense from a woman to woman perspective.

Sometimes we can remain friends, in fact in our community we really try too. It’s very common in lesbian circles that your best friend at some point was your ex lover, and if that works for you that’s fine. It sometimes can make the separation all the more painful and difficult. Sometimes walking away and readjusting to change is far healthier and vital for a new future relationship. The past, if kept to close can bring about doubt and guilt. The longer you have been with someone the more history, but that doesn’t mean you need to hold on to it like it belongs to you. In fact, that is where people get lost and hopeless. Why do we have such a difficult time letting go? Well because some people have an unconscious (sometimes very conscious!) belief that people belong to them.

When I was growing up and had one of my first heart breaks my mother asked me what I was so upset about, I told her “I thought we always would be there for each other, I thought she was mine and I was hers.” My mother looked at me and asked “Is she an object? Did you purchase her? Did God give her to you?” “No! Of course not.” “Well then can people belong to us and when they were with you did they really belong to you?” Of course I said “Yes, if you tell me that then I believe you.” “Well, then for how long?” I started getting frustrated “I don’t know, for as long as you tell me, maybe forever!” My mother smiled and taught me some important principles that day that I would like to share with you. That day I learned there is no forever because we die, and everything comes to a full circle like the planets circling the sun. That day I learned we only share each other in moments, and that for different reasons those moments will end or change and may begin again but should never be with the intention of ownership but shared love and respect. I learned that loss happens in stages and that my journey in life is a little like sitting on a log and going with the flow of a river, I have to submit to the journey. I don’t get to set the journey, I just need to decide that I will take it and the experiences it has to offer. I tell my clients this all the time, “You can get off the log and try to control the mighty river of life, and you will drown from fatigue (which usually looks like depression, substance abuse, and hopelessness) or you can stay on the log and just believe. You believe that things will happen and that the journey will be hard but knowing that in between those moments of hardship there will be a return for a while to more peaceful times.”

Here are some things you can do to ease the pain of loss:

• Spring clean and redecorate change your home around, make it new a fresh. Make it yours again!
• Get rid of her clothes left behind (and anything else.)
• Bring your friends close. Go for coffee, dinner, and cry to them. My thing is I call my best friends and I will say “Give me 10 minutes, I just need to cry it out and know your on the other side.”
• Write your feeling, thoughts, and wishes. Even write a good-bye letter and burn it (trust me on this one it feels so good).
• Be kind and patient with yourself. I have that written down on my mirror with a crayon. So I never forget my worth to myself and others.

Being a lesbian is isolating at times, especially in a small city with such a small availability of support, it can be extremely lonely. If any of you have watched If Theses Walls Could Talk 2, you know what I mean when I say people just don’t always get why we hurt so bad when we are left. I mean after all we are gay and we can just easily find some other woman, right? The bond a homosexual relationship has when developed and/or broken can often be overlooked by the straight community because of the lack of understand of same-sex couples, it’s not that easy! People don’t always get that our choices are limited and that we become not only lovers, but a family member and a best friend. When society, families and communities have shut us out sometimes our lover is the only person that gets us and is standing beside us in our time of need.

If anyone is ever interested in starting a social or support group for lesbians in our Community, let me know and maybe we can bridge the gap so we can support each other in the future.

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru