Posts Tagged ‘ LGBT Support ’

Helping Our Gay Youth

 
Walking down the hallway back to the Vice Principal’s office, again, for another detention I wonder will life ever be any different. Sitting staring at his lips wondering what he and his wife will do on the weekend (wanting to be anywhere else but here), he is delighted to give me another lecture on how thin I am and whether I will eat a candy bar with him. He fears that I have an eating disorder and is trying to trick me into getting fat.

Sitting in my office fifteen years later I feel relief those days are behind me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to high school or be a teenager.  As far as Mr. Jones, well, he was right I had a sever eating disorder and I was not about to give in to anyone and eat that candy bar. After all it was the only thing I felt I had control over.

Most days I felt that I lived outside my body and was so very much alone, and it seemed that my father was the only person that could see through me.  He would say, “You are different Alex and this world doesn’t like those that are unlike them. Try not to be so different because I don’t want you to suffer for it. I want you to have a good life.”

I would lay in bed crying most nights hating the body I was in and the thoughts that raced through my head. I could not figure out what was different about me, except that every piece of me felt alien. I guess that is what being a teenager is all about.

It was around that time I knew I like girls but was too immature and honestly too tired from malnutrition to care.  However, it didn’t stop the fantasizing that went on in my head. I remember listen to my Boyz 2 Men album (I know, I am old as dirt!), imagining slow dancing with a woman and kissing her.  It was that feeling that put me at ease, the only images that would relax me. I can’t believe that now at thirty I am actually living my fantasy that my dream came true and I have my very own perfect love waiting for me at home.

It was not an easy journey. Coming out has been a difficult struggle and continues to be today, especially living in a southern state in the US.    In today’s society our LGBT youth have so much to overcome.  Risks include gender conformity, lack of support, school dropout, family problems, victimization, homelessness, substance use, eating disorders, religious intolerance, negative sexual experiences, and suicide attempts (two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts).

As recent news over the last couple of years has highlighted, LGBT youth are often bullied at school and unable to receive adequate education. They are shamed and targeted for abuse.  They are more likely to skip school out of fear, threats and vandalism directed towards them. Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students. Four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.

So here are some things to consider and help you became self-empowered?

  • Know that being Gay or Lesbian is not a pathological condition (i.e. it is not a mental disease or disability)
  • The origin of sexual orientation is not completely known.
  • Gay and Lesbian individuals lead fulfilling and satisfying lives.
  • They are many ways you can choose to live an LGBTQ life.
  • Unless you have seek counseling to “change” your sexual orientation, a therapist should never coerce you into doing so (it’s unethical and you should report them to the board of licensing.)

If you are a teen and living in a home where there is homophobia, here are some more steps you should take and ask yourself:

  • Is it safe to come out to your parents? SAFETY first, even as tempting as it may be if you think it may place you in danger hold off.
  • Will coming out jeopardize your home situation?
  • Are you safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you come out to your parents?
  • Do you have other available resources, such as money and emotional help if coming out changes your home situation?
  • Try and educate your parents on LGBT matters, often discrimination is triggered but ignorance and not understanding the unknown.
  • Get support and find people you can talk too that are safe.  Being gay can be a lonely journey, but with the right company can make you stronger and wiser.

The ultimate goal of growing up and developing is finding humanity and breaking down the difference that separate us and isolate others to create a unity and a sense of oneness.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

If you ever feel alone or unsure please reach out for help and here are some agencies that could help you:

Other Resources

Here are some books that are great for LGBTQ youth (check out the Lesbian Literature Page on this site for more book ideas):

  • Bait by Alex Sanchez, Simon & Schuster
  • My Invented Life by Lauren Bjorkman, Henry Holt
  • Down to the Bone by Mayra Lazara Dole, HarperTeen
  • Hit the Road, Manny: A Manny Files Novel by Christian Burch, Simon and Schuster (sequel to The Manny Files)
  • How They Met & Other Stories by David Levithan, Knopf
    18 stories, all about love, and about all kinds of love.
  • Love & Lies: Marisol’s Story by Ellen Wittlinger, Simon and Schuster
  • Mousetraps, Pat Schmetz, Carolrhoda Books
  • Out of the Pocket by Bill Konigsberg
  • What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson, Random House
  • Nothing Pink by Mark Hardy, (Front Street Books).
2011
06/13
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LGBT Advice
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LGBT Discrimination in Legal Rights and Mental Health

As LGBT individuals we already experiencing the shame and guilt of abuse but we may feel also now the pressure to hid our true identity so that we can use services such as shelter, support groups or crisis lines. The belief is if I pretend to be heterosexual I will get more acceptance and care for my situation. Or there is the pressure to “come out” to get help and risk that information not being kept confidential and losing your home, job, custody of children etc. With our LGBT status made public, as nothing in treatment is absolutely confidential especially when law enforcement is concerned, negative life changing events may happen due to the lack of local and/or state laws. We have limited protection compared to our abused heterosexual counterparts. Disheartening is that even with me sharing this information with you, they will be many that will not take it further and seek help!

Often LGBT victims are not joined financially to their partner, so ending the relationship is met with little resistance in the money sector. What if though there is conjoined financial responsibilities, such as paying mortgage, there are no legal structures in place that assure that assets are divided equally. Heterosexual have no idea how much laws protect them and how we are seating ducks risking everything for who we are.

Conventional resources for domestic violence often lack training, expertise and sensitivity in understanding LGBT relationship and abuse. We have to deal with others bias, stereotypes, and homophobia. Society also uses the information of finding out that gays hit each other as another reason why homosexuality is immoral and dysfunctional, which makes finding genuine help difficult as well as making us feel even further isolated and alone in our pain.

Even more painful to me is that my own community is unsupportive of one of us being abused and hurt. As small as our community is, often abuse will travel fast within our circles and sides may be taken as well as disgust of the abuse from within our social networks. This makes the abused even more exposed and vulnerable.

We are trying to fight so hard for society to accept us, many want to maintain or create an image that there exists no problems or disturbing behavior in our community. There is a fear in us if we give this world any more reasons to set us aside we will never reach freedom, so we hide our parts of the dysfunction found in our community instead of building bridge to get healthier and fight a greater more supported fight! Which is again what drives me everyday with the need to help my community be healthier, happier, and supported?

If we don’t acknowledge that gays have serious problems such as drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, abuse like any other community, resources will remain limited and we will continue to suffer!

I have been met with support as well as resistance in my new journey on building a link and bring together as many LGBTs as possible but if we don’t know each other, we will continue to feel isolated. I don’t want to feel that way, alone, why would I want anyone else especially one of my own? I am no better then anyone else and I don’t deserve anymore or any less then anyone else and neither do you!

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

2011
03/30
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Lesbian
LGBT Advice
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Lesbian Infidelity

 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, to words without sound that only provoke horrific images that you never wanted to wonder, in your mind your trapped.

There is nothing more painful, other then death to hear that the person you are in love with and want, telling you they have had an affair or were intimate with another.  We hear the stories and at times we even are witness to the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think it could ever happen to us “me, no, we have something special and I would know right away.”

A friend once told me, that it been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she came home to find her girlfriend on the steps and her car packed, she felt confused.  In hind sight, she said she should have seen the signs, but I told her “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and gently respond “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain.” 

I guess it is very similar to a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens ringing, but really there is no where to hide or know the damage it will make. We can think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction we really just don’t know.

Feelings of abandonment, distress, shame, and anger take over and recovery seems so faraway and beyond repair that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of Lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies that are done in this area; however, we know that it is something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of.

Most Lesbian relationship will not survive infidelity, as women have greater difficulty separating sex from emotion and usual will develop an attachment with the woman they are having the affair with. Forgiveness is difficulty to establish in situations like this as the person cannot forget the affair, as the relationship may not be purely based on sexual intercourse. 

The affair is then the beginning of the end of the relationship, and finds a way out through another. We are known as serial monogamy partners, jumping from one relationship to the next with no time in between to heal.  This is unfortunate part of our community as it breeds unhealthy people and relationship. Before we have even erased the image of our past partner with another woman naked in our heads we are already in the bed with another woman with all our hurt, distrustful, and vulnerable baggage. 

I feel it is even more painful for Lesbians when a relationship end from an affair as we already feel isolated from our communities and society it’s even lonelier when our partner, our friend, leaves. Some of us have left our families, lost friends, and changed out entire lives to be with a woman and to be left can be dilapidated.  We rely so much on our lover, that when it ends it blinding. 

Here are some tips on dealing with the topic of infidelity:

  1. Right at the start sit down and discuss your own personal thoughts on fidelity, and what your boundaries and rules will be as individuals in this relationship.
  2. Ask each others history as past behaviors are a good predictor of future behavior. Yes people can change but repetition is a problem.
  3. Give yourself time to heal. Try not to jump into another relationship, without answering all the questions that torment you from your past and working on a plan for your future.
  4. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Going trough an affair can leave us with a skewed view of ourselves.
  5. Spend time with friends and family, or even go to the gym, join a club anything to begin building your social support network.
  6. In your new relationship, create a safe space that allows you to be vulnerable, emotionally and sexually exposed in a loving and respectful way.
  7. Work on forgiveness and trust. You can’t forgive or trust you can’t be open to let another love you more deeply.

You will survive the pain, you will change and the choice is yours, which direction you take. You may choose to become resentful and angry at the world or you could learn and discover where healing from you past needs to happen, become more focused and determine as to what you want and will not lose yourself for.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2011
02/02
POSTED BY
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Lesbian Psychology
Lesbian Relationships
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Lesbian Domestic Violence

I remember waking many a nights to my nanny’s (in South Africa it was custom to have a live in maid) screams, her room opposite mine was separated by a small yard.  I witness in the darkness her husband beating her with sticks as thick as a baseball bat. She would be crying, bleeding and bruised, while police officers escort him out. My mother and father gently holding her, cleaning her face and would take her back to her bed where a week later he would be sleeping next to her again. The cycle continuously going, yes I was taught young what a good beating looked like, it was stained in my minds eye like her blood on our cement ground.

 

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that uses coercion, dominance or isolates the other partner.  It is a form of power that is enforced by one person over the other to gain control within the relationship. There are many kinds of abuse, unfortunately the most often common ones used go unnoticed as they do not leave physical evidence behind.

Theses are:

  • Physical Abuse – hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
  • Isolation: Restricting Freedom – controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
  • Psychological & Emotional Abuse – constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them
  • Stalking / Harassing Behavior – following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
  • Threats & Intimidation – threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
  • Economic Abuse – controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
  • Sexual Abuse/Harassment – forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance
  • Property Destruction – destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows, throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions.

(Source: http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/lesbianrx/factsheet.shtml)

There are also unfortunately many myths about Lesbian Relationships, such as “Women are not abusive – only men are,” “Lesbians are always equal in relationships.  It is not abuse, it is a relationship struggle,” “Abusive lesbians are more “butch,” larger, apolitical or have social lives that revolve around the bar culture,” “Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse,” “Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men and are therefore not as responsible for what they do,” and “It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner.”

Myths are a terrible thing as they isolate individuals and keep us from reality, in abuse specifically that no one is immune from the cycle of abuse, just because we are women that does not mean there is equality. Abuse does not have boundaries and can occur despite of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation, lifestyle, or physical attributes. We attempt to always justify the actions of those we love, but in the end there is no excuse for abuse, no matter what the triggers were. Once a partner takes responsibility for the abuse the cycle will change, however that is not always a possibility and the most isolating fact is that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy.

In addition, it is unfortunate, but there are also many differences that separate us from abuse in the straight world that isolates us further and increases our danger. For example, there is very limited amount of services that exist specifically for abused and abusive lesbians.  Lesbians often have little knowledge of the abuse cycle or even how to report incidences of violence to a therapist, police officer or medical personnel or we are met with insensitive staff at shelter or help lines.

Our culture and society still very much homophobic denies that lesbians exist or are even capable of having relationships, let alone acknowledging abusive ones.  Society’s attitude toward homosexuality is such that often it ranges from “that’s not my problem” to “those people are not stable or unhealthy.” We may also be fearful of breaking up with our partner as it confirms our sexual orientation; and that others may not believe the abuse or we could lose friends and support within the lesbian community.

 If you are being abuse, there are things that you can do:

  1. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for others action, therefore you can not be responsible for the abuse.
  2. Violence will not stop by itself. I am sorry to say this but, the violent phases will become more frequent and more sever. You do not have the power to change people, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are it has nothing to do with you.
  3. Speak! Tell someone please. Someone you trust and that will believe you.
  4. Get help. Go Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. 
  5. You are the only one that has power over you. You can choose and decide what you want from a relationship. You can decide if it is a relationship you want to stay in or leave but, please develop a safety plan first. This should include: a safe place to stay; emergency phone numbers; some money; your own bank account; post office box; and bag of essentials.

 

We often hear stories of people in bad situation, and we assume that it will never happen to us or someone we love but life has a way of pushing us out of our pink clouds and see the reality of life and the lessons that need to be learnt. I have counseled may victim of domestic violence as well as those who have been the abusers, and from my heart there is only one emotion that I have seen that keeps individuals in dangerous and unfufilling cycles- Shame.

Shame, fear, pride, and anger are the main emotions and feelings we see in abuse. recognize them in yourself so you can move forward and see the clearing of where you need to go.

If you feel your life is in the cycle of domestic violence only you can make the call and get help. This may not be what you expected or the life you planned to live. Call the National Domestic Violence Hot line 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help and information. You might also consider visiting this website The Safety Zone where you can have help and learn how to insure your abuser is not aware of your internet activities and search for help.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Are just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

Further Reading:

Chesley, Laurie C et al.  (1994). Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: A Handbook of Information and Resources.  Republished as a chapter in “Lesbian Health Guide,” edited by Regan McClure and Annie Vespry.  Toronto: Queer Press.

Pharr, S. (1988).  Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism.  Little Rock: Chardon Press.

Lobel, K. (1986).  Naming the Violence.  Seattle: Seal Press.

2011
01/13
POSTED BY
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Lesbian Psychology
Lesbian Relationships
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Attention Lesbians, Trust Me!

“Trust me.
Trust me. I would never hurt you.
Trust me. I will never leave you.
Trust me. I will not cheat on you.
Trust me. I will never abuse you, harm you, and not care for you.
Trust me. I will never lie to you, because it’s different with you.
Trust me.
Trust me because everything I just told you is what I fear in myself.
Trust me to not know any different but to hurt you so you feel my pain
Trust me to not know any different but to leave you when I am scared
Trust me to cheat on you when I am done using you
Trust me to hit, scream, manipulate, yell, ignore, and be completely indifferent to you
Because everything I ever told you was a lie and the only difference was that you believed me.
Thank you for trusting me.”
 

Trust, a word thrown around more then “I love you” without meaning  or sincerity.   I get so sick of hearing it that I have built an immediate “no expectation” rule as soon as its spoken.  The truth is many have not a clue what it means to trust another human being. Most of us know its power, that as soon as it is uttered out of your lips, like a fish line in water the hook has been placed.

Trust, when you break down the word to its purest meaning it’s the confidence in another to be honest with you, faithful to their word, keep promises, confide in you, and not abandon you.

Trust, it requires that you have an understanding or have a realistic perspective about others and their expectation of failure.

Like a cypress tree it takes time to grow, needing an environment of consistency in what is being said and actions taken, it’s love, forgiveness and acceptance.  Where power and control are surrendered as part of a destructive force in a relationship, and expectations are lowered.

When women come into our lives they are broken, that is one truth you can hold in your trust.  That we begin breaking as soon as we leave the womb.  Every piece of our history and past has left marks and wounds that complicate our knowing of self and the way we deal with our relationships.

If she tells you she’s hurt every other women she’s been in a relationship with, she is telling you the truth, and she is also warning you.  If she tells you that in her past relationships there was difficulty in communication, abuse, anger, abandonment ect… she’s warning you. She’s telling you “I have been broken, this is my pattern, and this is who I am.”

Previous pain hurts, fears, and losses can interfere in a relationship and determine the success of a relationship. 

We are fragile. You can tell me you are strong, that you overcome great battles but not without scares and fears.

Therefore we need to readjust our reality of what others are capable of and when you choose to trust.  Trust grows with the relationship. As you share with each other you begin to build an understanding of the woman you have begun to care for.  You give yourself time to see if the person is authentic and determine their character, needs, attitudes, motivations, goals, and of course, their fears.

Trust grows from unconditional love. When she expresses kindness and you feel her acceptance, you feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest about who you are and how you feel. Trust is when you are communicating openly, sharing feelings, failures, and ideas.

So ask yourself, how does she communicate to you? Do you feel love, kindness, is it open or are you scared and feel powerless. I always ask would they talk to their family or friends this way.  If I know that this inpatient, angry or unstable communication is mine alone to endure I take a step back after I have communicated how I feel about the relationship and re-evaluate if it is a situation I want to CHOOSE to stay in.

I cannot be in a fear-based relationship as it creates distrust, dishonesty, mixed messages, pain, and breaks down intimacy.

People can change but only if they want to. People can change if they are willing to let go of the fears and pains that have been setting them back, when they can let go of control and forgive themselves for failures. People can change when they let go of the notion of perfection, and that because there is no perfection, you will disappoint your partner.

When we can accept are imperfections and see how another person loves us with the knowledge of all that makes us imperfect you will never feel a greater love.  The freedom to share, be true to yourself without fear, make mistakes with the opportunity to learn forgiveness and growth. WOW. Real love. Real trust.

A wondrous adventure with another person, who was once a stranger that chose you, to be with you, to grow with you. Now that is something to chase and run too rather then looking in your rearview mirror at all the could haves, should haves, and would haves.

Tell me, what’s in front of you? Is there something you could do differently today? Are you treating each other with kindness? Is there something you can let go so you can begin forgiveness and growth towards a new direction? Tell me, are you doing what you need too to be trustful?

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
11/15
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Lesbian Psychology
Lesbian Relationships
Lesbian Sex
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