A gay girl’s pain
What an adverse and indispensable emotion pain can be. It can make us physically sick to our stomachs, want to quit, lose interest and feel lost and utterly confused. At the same time it balances out our perception and makes us uncomfortable enough in our shells to provoke change.
It’s amazing the amount of pain another person can inflict on us, without reason or doubt. It’s even more disturbing how we can allow that same pain to thrive within us without fighting, questioning, or walking away. Where does this loss of self occur, on what level do we stop caring about ourselves and allow the victim in us to take over?
We are so deluded into thinking we have control over others in our lives that if we do just what we are suppose to everything will have it’s place and order. Our culture pushes that fantasy that all relationships work out with hard work, and that everyone deserves happy everlasting love- that Cinderella will meet Snow White (for us lessies!) and that we will fall in love, have five kids and live together forever. That’s utter bullshit! The reality is that we are people, individuals brought up in all sorts of environments, cultures and families with baggage that for most of us is still unknown. We are fueled by fear and most of the decisions women make are based out of these insecurities and dark parts of our being. We are constantly trying to hold all the strings of our life together like balloons until our hands bleed and we feel alone, even with a partner beside us. When did we go into autopilot? When did we become so lazy with the journey of living and exploring self and others, did we decide to stand still and let the world swallow us whole?
We say I love you without ever truly understanding what that means. That it’s not just a feeling, it’s a commitment. It’s what you say and do, and they actually need to match. Love encompasses so much more then “you make me happy” and “your the one!” And think about this for a second, do you even love yourself? Can you walk to a mirror right now and say “I Love You…” and mean it? Do you see your self-worth or do the people around you define it? Do you know who you are or are you constantly searching for that someone to make you whole?
Lesbians again are limited in support, we have to treat each other kindly. We are our primary system and there exists a lot of dysfunctional thinking and behaviors. When I walk into a group of women the insecurities are palatable. We are afraid to get too close, we abuse substances and alcohol, it’s difficult for us to have female friends due to fears of having a sexual attraction (most us have slept with our girlfriends!), and then there are those who are angry and jealous. I don’t want the community that I am a part of to be classified, labeled or abandoned. I want the group/ network of women I belong to (that’s you by the way!) to be strong, healthy, and accepting of who we are! I want us to be a proud community not just one day out of the year, but everyday! I want a community that’s able to support those in need when one of us is hurting or in despair. We are a village and everyone plays a part, everyone has an impact on the other, and we all are worthy!
Pass this article along, share it with women you know. This is not a popularity contest but a need to build a stronger support system. We need to help lesbians in our community and support our youth struggling to come out. Share with me this experience, share it within our village so that when one hurts we all will hear, and no one will feel alone.
I’m listening!!!
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