How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Recently I was enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book “Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.”  It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are far more likely than any gay or heterosexual relationship to go for years without sex. I did not stay happy nor for that matter very relaxed. I was unaware that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a while with their partner they could mean years!

This is such a sad fact. Now I will be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just could not imagine being with someone I love and not feeling their naked skin pressed up against mine, smelling her as we feel each others warmth.

Now of course there are some exceptions, were sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic is not including individuals struggling with physical or emotional issues, its two healthy individuals who have stop having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that encourages passion and attraction stabilize, it’s common to find differences in desire level and needs, high-desire vs. low-desire individuals.

I have been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what wrong with wanting sex five times a week… minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me out or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I am also a firm believer in compromise and other forms of intimacy.

A healthy relationship starts with good communication, and giving attention to all departments of a relationship, equally.  If you think sex is not important you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier.  Some of us long for a companionship that does not rely on sexual intimacy. At the end, I do not think there is a wrong or right way to be with someone, if there is open safe communication, trust,  and both partners are pursuing a happy healthy relationship.

However, if you and your partner find yourselves on polar opposites of the desire scale, here are some helpful hints:

1. Communicate clearly who you are and what you want (e.g. how much sex you want or how often.)
2. Be aware of each others feelings and talk openly about how you feel. Usually and naturally a partner who is high-desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy whereas a low-desire individual could feel resentful of the demands being made, inadequate, and guilty for holding back sex.
3. Do not lose yourself. While you are negotiating with you partner about the needs and wants, hold on to whom you are and your integrity.
4. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings, and learn to stay calm and sooth yourself.
5. Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a lifelong process, and allows the development of whom we are and our relation to others.
6. Learning and communicating effectively who you are and your needs could be the key in rekindling desire and passion.
7. No one in a relationship gets their way all the time.
8. Sexual desire does not have to be something you wait for to build in order to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
9. Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (e.g. masturbating); have getaways, bath and shower together, have sex in different places, break the routine, give each other massages, remind each other how special you are, have date nights, spend some time apart (so you can miss each other), have make-out sessions, be romantic (buy flowers), write poems or letters to one another, meet somewhere and pretend like you are strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies, and take risks together.
10. Be an active participant in your relationship, mind that you do not become just part of the scenery.

Relationship evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner you will have to reevaluate ever so often those decisions and change what is not working. The art of love is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of yourselves and others.

There was a time I would have said that this is all too much work, and really I am all about the passion stage, having as much sex as I can handle, and that I am better off on my own. However, I am slowly learning that intimacy comes in many shapes and that with negotiation, endurance and hardship that the passion can be even more exciting after having crossed life’s obstacles with someone I love- and it’s only the beginning.

~The Lesbian Guru

Recommended reading:

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships by Merilee Clunis and Dorsey Green

Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples by Glenda Corwin

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us by Felice Newman

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and the conversation found it’s way in the most amusing and yet unspoken place “how do you feel about anal?” she says to me without a second of hesitation.  Now, there is very little I haven’t dealt with; however, I don’t think anyone is ever prepared to hear that come out of their little sister’s mouth.

After a giggle and all the why’s and how’s were answered, I wondered how much Lesbians knew about anal sex and how many were willing to share their experiences and feelings around this dark and often scary topic. I tested this hypothesis on my girlfriend by asking her “how do you feel about anal?” All I got back was a smile and a wink, which I am still working on the verbal translation. 

There are many words to describe the anus: back-door, back eye, bum hole, butt pussy, chuff, date, flipside, moon, rosebud, third eye, round eye, trap two, workman’s entrance (or lesbianized a workwoman’s entrance), arsehole, batcave, blowhole, butthole, ring, fudge tunnel, pooh chute, tan track and the list goes on. I don’t care what you call your dirt road; it is still an amazing place to explore sexually and can be a lot of fun.

 Most women are concerned in this area as their can be sometimes nasty surprises, and no one wants to be embarrassed, vulnerable and naked in bed. Yes, there are some things that could happen during anal sex that are unplanned but isn’t that with anything. Sex is a messy often very wet experience. There is sweat, saliva, vagina lubrication/ cum (aka honey pot butter), and sometimes even blood.

 So, maybe by now I have repulsed you so much you’re asking, “well what’s the point if it’s so nasty?” Anal sex is not nasty that is the point! Anal sex is very similar to having vagina intercourse, the difference is the skin and lining of the rectum is rich in nerve endings and is capable of producing increadible sensations.

 Women can experience intense orgasm through anal penetration, especially when combined with clitoris or oral play.  Just like vagina penetration, in order for pleasure there needs to be lubrication, communication, and relaxation. Most women would be surprised to know that having anal sex can be a fantastic internal massage as we tend to keep all our anxieties in our bums.  Personally it is my favorite area to kiss and nibble on, there is nothing more delicious than a bottom.

Other reasons to have anal sex are that it can help in the healing process of hemorrhoids, it is indirect G-spot stimulation, widens the fun things you can do in bed, and you can feel naughty as well as feel vulnerable.

So here is how to make is safe and “clean”:

1. Communicate and talk about your fears of being vulnerable and wanting to experiment.
2. Build the excitement by having fantasies around it (send some dirty text with what your going to do her and how you are going to make her yours).
3. Make sure you go to the bathroom and empty your bowls, and if you are really nervous of some poop coming out, which by the way is no big deal, but a genuine concern then take an enema. Side note on using an enema: never after sex, do not use them everyday, don’t share enema equipment and DO NOT add stimulants like coffee or alcohol to enemas it will make you sick.
4. Have a bath or shower. Get some nice warm water on your body and some good smelly stuff all over.
5. Be aware of your diet, for example make sure your eating fiber and stay away from foods that can leave residual waste in your rectal tissue such as seed, nuts, or any kind of berry.
6. Most women know this but keep your nails short, clean and trimmed (no hanging nails please they hurt!).
7. Start slowly caressing with you finger, and then hand, where eventually you could use a dildo.
8. Wear gloves as it will protect your partner from any tears and it will be super smooth against her skin.
9. Lubricate and make sure you have lot’s of it because it fantastic and wet sex is mind blowing.
10. 10.  RELAX… sex is all about enjoyment, pleasure, and adult play!

 Sex is more of mental activity, then it is physical and how you view the world, yourself, and your partner will determine your level of comfort.  Sex is also a learned activity and therefore becoming confident in experimenting is the willingness to be open to learn and try things out. The sky is the limit and the best part is you don’t have to do it alone because you get to have a co-pilot along for the ride!

For more resources please check my Lesbian Literature page.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, to words without sound that only provoke horrific images that you never wanted to wonder, in your mind your trapped.

There is nothing more painful, other then death to hear that the person you are in love with and want, telling you they have had an affair or were intimate with another.  We hear the stories and at times we even are witness to the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think it could ever happen to us “me, no, we have something special and I would know right away.”

A friend once told me, that it been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she came home to find her girlfriend on the steps and her car packed, she felt confused.  In hind sight, she said she should have seen the signs, but I told her “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and gently respond “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain.” 

I guess it is very similar to a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens ringing, but really there is no where to hide or know the damage it will make. We can think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction we really just don’t know.

Feelings of abandonment, distress, shame, and anger take over and recovery seems so faraway and beyond repair that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of Lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies that are done in this area; however, we know that it is something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of.

Most Lesbian relationship will not survive infidelity, as women have greater difficulty separating sex from emotion and usual will develop an attachment with the woman they are having the affair with. Forgiveness is difficulty to establish in situations like this as the person cannot forget the affair, as the relationship may not be purely based on sexual intercourse. 

The affair is then the beginning of the end of the relationship, and finds a way out through another. We are known as serial monogamy partners, jumping from one relationship to the next with no time in between to heal.  This is unfortunate part of our community as it breeds unhealthy people and relationship. Before we have even erased the image of our past partner with another woman naked in our heads we are already in the bed with another woman with all our hurt, distrustful, and vulnerable baggage. 

I feel it is even more painful for Lesbians when a relationship end from an affair as we already feel isolated from our communities and society it’s even lonelier when our partner, our friend, leaves. Some of us have left our families, lost friends, and changed out entire lives to be with a woman and to be left can be dilapidated.  We rely so much on our lover, that when it ends it blinding. 

Here are some tips on dealing with the topic of infidelity:

1. Right at the start sit down and discuss your own personal thoughts on fidelity, and what your boundaries and rules will be as individuals in this relationship.
2. Ask each others history as past behaviors are a good predictor of future behavior. Yes people can change but repetition is a problem.
3. Give yourself time to heal. Try not to jump into another relationship, without answering all the questions that torment you from your past and working on a plan for your future.
4. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Going trough an affair can leave us with a skewed view of ourselves.
5. Spend time with friends and family, or even go to the gym, join a club anything to begin building your social support network.
6. In your new relationship, create a safe space that allows you to be vulnerable, emotionally and sexually exposed in a loving and respectful way.
7. Work on forgiveness and trust. You can’t forgive or trust you can’t be open to let another love you more deeply.

You will survive the pain, you will change and the choice is yours, which direction you take. You may choose to become resentful and angry at the world or you could learn and discover where healing from you past needs to happen, become more focused and determine as to what you want and will not lose yourself for.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru