How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Growing up I was only warned of two types of abuse. As grateful as I am that my parents took the time to describe these forms of abuse to me, and then proceed to in grain them in my youthful mind; there were many things they left out. Unfortunately, the forms of abuse that are often identified are physical or sexual abuse. And although, there are both forms of abuse, we go on further to stereotype them by stating that physical and sexual abuse happens with men against women. It is this limited view and generalization that leads people to feel alone and unnoticed, and why so many lesbians in abusive relationships remain hidden behind society’s biases and ignorance.

In therapy, I have often had to identify a form of abuse that is difficult to verbalize- Emotional Abuse. One of the most common abuses found between women, especially in lesbian relationhips. For most of us, this type of abuse remains hidden by words and ignored by others. I have had to explain to my clients “it’s the type of pain someone causes that leaves no physical marks and is easily forgiven as there is no evidence of abuse.”

It is easy to forgive emotional abuse, because we can simply explain it away through personality differences, “that’s just how she is or talks… she means nothing by it… she’s never hit me or anything.” However, the pain is memorable, destructive, and should not be explained away- in fact, its power pulls the victim to self-punish and feel guilty for feeling sad, or hurt, or abused, because there are no physical traces left behind.

One of my dear friend’s became very upset with me when I told her she was being emotionally abused. She defensively fought back that her girlfriend was more experienced with a dominant personality. She continued to defend her behavior by stating that she never hit or yelled at her. However, when I mentioned that CONTROL has many ugly shapes and forms; one of which is manipulating another person’s thoughts and behavior to overpower them- it was evident that emotional abuse was happening. It was a tearful night.

Emotional abuse can be seen verbally; for example, a partner verbally degrading her girlfriend in public or private “you are stupid” and making her jealous or insecure “you will never find someone like me. Women want me, but I chose you.” However, very often it is through economic and financial resources that the abuser controls the victim by rigidly controlling finances; withholding money; making you account for your spending; withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); preventing you from working, sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly, stalking you at work) and stealing from you or taking your money.

If you believe that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can help yourself to get through it by connecting with others. An abuser maintains power by isolating the other person from a loving and protective network. You need to seek others who can give you a more balance view point, and motivate you towards positive change.  Also seek outside help. If you are concerned for your safety, do not hesitate to seek outside help if needed. Once in a safe place, you should connect with supportive services for abused individuals. This can be done through individual therapy (go to your local mental health agency and ask for a referral), group support systems (CODA and other support groups), and private practice.

I think the hardest aspect of abuse is grasping the “why me” effect. We can never answer the question as to why would a person we have chosen to love, has chosen to repay that commitment with fear and control. The question cannot be answered because it is not ours to answer. However, we do have a choice as to how people treat us, and for how long. Honestly, abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance. The greatest lesson in life is learning when to walk away without any answers or apologies, just hard truths.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru orhttp://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

As I prepare for a college class presentation on the biological effects of psychoactive drugs, my girlfriend sneaks behind me and asks “what happens when you love someone struggling with this disease?” I was left thinking about several of my past relationships where addiction even though in the maintenance stage were difficult and emotionally draining.

It is not easy to love an addict. Fortunately, I have never had to experience the pain of loving an actively using addict but sharing a life with a recovering addict is not any lesser of a journey traveled. Scares from their past and habits developed during their using period are often far from healed. The journey is even more painful in a lesbian relationship as support systems are few, and understanding the disease of addiction in the lesbian community is not really understood or even acknowledged in it’s severity.

I was often used as a human emotional punching bag for a history I did not know but was supposed to understand and accept. I constantly felt as if I had to make adjustments and accommodations for a person that was selfishly set in their ways and was unwilling to bend- because at the end of the day addiction whether it is in the active or recovery stage it is still a battle for control.

I have sat in hundreds of recovery groups, listening to recovering addicts describe their relationships and their list of needs, believing that their only adjustment in a relationship was to stay clean. In all fairness when you are battling this inner demon of addiction, staying clean one day at a time is the most one can do. It’s like a carefully built house of cards, any sudden changes or stress and the person is sliding uncontrollably back to old habits.

In my early career in Hawaii, a wonderful client once told me a story that is often heard in the rooms (AA or NA meetings). He said, “you know why us guys always hurt people, especially the ones we love? Because it’s our nature.”

I looked at him a little burdened by what he said, so he continued “There was a scorpion that needed to cross a river, but he knew he would drown, so he asks the frog if he could climb on his back and have him swim to the other side. The frog refused and told the scorpion that he would sting him. The scorpion promised he would not, so the frog gave him a ride. As they reached the other side the scorpion stung the frog. The frog asked him before he died why he stung him after he helped him. The scorpion replied because it’s his nature.”

I had only one rule with my past relationships that if they relapsed than the relationship would be over. There was no room to negotiate this condition, and that the boundary of what was tolerable within the relationship was set. I had myself and my child to protect, and I was not taking any chances on our well-being. With that said, living with a recovering addict was often challenging and without the tools I have today it was nearly impossible.

It always amazes me how much we will tolerate for the sake of hope and faith in someone. We will endure pain and heart ache for someone we love, almost to our own emotional demise. Energized by the power of “she can change. I can help her change.” Individuals with addiction often are attracted to individuals with codependency issues. The reason being is that their are two needs being met, the caregiver (codependent) has someone that needs to be taken care off/someone to fix (the addict) and the addict has an enabler (codependent) that will allow their behaviors to continue with little boundaries. However, to make a relationship work, both individuals must want the same things and certain issues may need to be addressed and healed, such as:

• Fear of losing ones self- There is a belief that we have little choices so we sabotage our relationship.
• Being found out as a fraud- we worry that our partners will not love us if they truly know who we are.
• Fear of abandonment- we will lie, and change to fit someone else’s needs to avoiding being left.
• Difficulty bonding- especially if the person did not experience healthy attachment as a child.
• Fear of being vulnerable- if I show you who I am than that must mean you control me.
• Anger-another form of sabotage and control.
• Guilt and shame- the feelings that take choice away from us.
• Depression- we experience this feeling when we want and know we can’t change the past.
• Lack of trust- I am not going to give it to you because than you will hurt me.
• Poor boundaries- without trust and healthy communication this is difficult to establish.
• High expectations- I have had to be perfect (unrealistic expectation in childhood) now I don’t know what is a realistic expectation but it gives me the excuse not to trust you.
• Control- need I say more.
• Need for constant validation- I don’t want you to abandon me and expectation are high with little trust so the only way I have of securing you needing me is on how much you validate me… so do it all the time.

These issues need to be resolved to provide the right ingredients for a fruitful relationship. Remember, knowledge is the power in understanding these issues, which can help give you a direction to affect change. Being able to see these issues makes it easier to create choices for a healthier relationship. The choice is always yours.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

There are a few things I fight about with my partner; in fact we are so alike that on the rare occasions we do fight it’s exhausting and confusing. The most popular topic of debate is our parenting differences.

I do not ever want my love to feel unable or incapable, but conflict arises as I too struggle with my own insecurities as a parent in training. There are no manuals that comes with children, all parents have to help them are the templates that has been passed down to them by their own parents and caregivers. The blended family has even more challenges, whether it is as straight or LGBT family, having a new
family member is a difficult adjustment.

The lesbian step-parent, what does that even mean? Sometimes, women will fall in love with women who already have children, either because they were conceived from a previous heterosexual relationship, or a previous lesbian union, or by adoption. Regardless, when a woman falls in love and enters a relationship with a mother, she is not only committing to her but to her children.

Children are often dealing with the burden of their parents’ pasts; that is why accepting a new family member is difficult.  Often, children are dealing with residual feelings of loss and abandonment. They are trying to understand situations out of their
control but that they feel directly responsible for. The reason for children feeling responsible is due to the developmental stages humans go through; when we are young we are egocentric. This means that everything children feel is directly related to them, therefore they believe they have control and power to change things.

According to some sources, it takes approximately two years for step-families to gain stability.  The journey to a healthy family can be challenging and overwhelming, however the rewards are wonderful and filled with joy.

If your children were conceived in a heterosexual relationship, you must make it clear to your children that it was not their fault and they were not responsible for the relationship terminating.  Sometimes, family therapy is needed to communicate this message clearly to children and allow negative emotions out in a safe environment.

Children often have beliefs that there parents will get back together, even years later.  This causes friction with a new partner, and could lead to resentment in the child if not treated.  That is why it’s important to practice patience, all the time! Nothing is more upsetting to me than couples who force their children to adapt to their time frame, forgetting that it’s a parent’s duty to fulfill their child’s needs first.

There are some important steps when dealing with a new step-parent in a lesbian relationship:

• Have  your partner gently develop a relationship with your child or children, perhaps first as a friendship.
• Avoid  your partner having a disciplinary role at first, as trust and attachment needs to develop.
• Keep your partner out of conflicts you have with your ex.
• Neither of you should ever talk negatively about your ex in front of your children; it is hurtful and extremely damaging. No matter what your ex does, it’s important to remember that you do not have to act like them to make a point. Have your own standards when dealing with conflict, and that includes keeping your children as far away as possible from that kind of  negative communication.
• When enough time goes by, allow you partner to parent. That means letting go of some of your motherly duties. Let her take control in order to build a mothering role with your child. For example, in my home we alternate nights tucking our child to bed.  We have our own bed rituals and ways of soothing her to sleep.
• As a step-parent you have to develop your own independent relationship with the child, perhaps even share a similar interest.  My partner loves the outdoors, and when it comes to swimming, fishing, and gardening the two of them are out there having fun (I’m the indoor mommy! That likes to read and draw.)
• Don’t argue about parenting in front of your children, it’s confusing and they will feel like they have to take sides.
• Don’t force your child to call your partner “mom” or any other maternal nickname.
• Allow your partner parental responsibilities, such as picking up the child from school or making lunches. In my house, my partner makes school lunches, because our baby says hers our best but I tells the best stories.
• Most important be patient with each other, and remember to be consistent in what you say and do. Children are sensitive and if the pattern of daily life changes than anxiety increases.

Being a parent is hard, but I feel being a step-parent is even more challenging. It requires strength to often swallow your pride and
change for a child or children with no guaranties that it will be positive or last. However, I ask that you stay focus in the present, keeping in mind the goal you want to reach with your new family and being grateful for all the steps forward you take with them by your side.

~The Lesbian Guru

Dedicate to my beautiful partner and daughter, who never stops making me smile. I love you.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.