How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

“I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you’re doing, but I can’t help it, because I’m in love with you.” Still.

Breaking up is so painful and there is no quick and easy way to do it or get over it. One of the biggest struggles we all deal with as individuals and why so many enter into therapy is dealing with Loss. We become attached and start to have a sense of belonging. We grow roots into each other, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or a lover, it hurts when we are ripped away. I’ve often described break ups like a death, because what once was is no more and can not be the same ever again. I think it so painful when Lesbians do break up because we are emotionally driven and form such a unique bond with each other; you mix sex with that and it’s a whole different level. Not to say that any other group would feel less pain or that all women feel that way, I don’t know, all I can do is describe how it feels in a generalized sense from a woman to woman perspective.

Sometimes we can remain friends, in fact in our community we really try too. It’s very common in lesbian circles that your best friend at some point was your ex lover, and if that works for you that’s fine. It sometimes can make the separation all the more painful and difficult. Sometimes walking away and readjusting to change is far healthier and vital for a new future relationship. The past, if kept to close can bring about doubt and guilt. The longer you have been with someone the more history, but that doesn’t mean you need to hold on to it like it belongs to you. In fact, that is where people get lost and hopeless. Why do we have such a difficult time letting go? Well because some people have an unconscious (sometimes very conscious!) belief that people belong to them.

When I was growing up and had one of my first heart breaks my mother asked me what I was so upset about, I told her “I thought we always would be there for each other, I thought she was mine and I was hers.” My mother looked at me and asked “Is she an object? Did you purchase her? Did God give her to you?” “No! Of course not.” “Well then can people belong to us and when they were with you did they really belong to you?” Of course I said “Yes, if you tell me that then I believe you.” “Well, then for how long?” I started getting frustrated “I don’t know, for as long as you tell me, maybe forever!” My mother smiled and taught me some important principles that day that I would like to share with you. That day I learned there is no forever because we die, and everything comes to a full circle like the planets circling the sun. That day I learned we only share each other in moments, and that for different reasons those moments will end or change and may begin again but should never be with the intention of ownership but shared love and respect. I learned that loss happens in stages and that my journey in life is a little like sitting on a log and going with the flow of a river, I have to submit to the journey. I don’t get to set the journey, I just need to decide that I will take it and the experiences it has to offer. I tell my clients this all the time, “You can get off the log and try to control the mighty river of life, and you will drown from fatigue (which usually looks like depression, substance abuse, and hopelessness) or you can stay on the log and just believe. You believe that things will happen and that the journey will be hard but knowing that in between those moments of hardship there will be a return for a while to more peaceful times.”

Here are some things you can do to ease the pain of loss:

• Spring clean and redecorate change your home around, make it new a fresh. Make it yours again!
• Get rid of her clothes left behind (and anything else.)
• Bring your friends close. Go for coffee, dinner, and cry to them. My thing is I call my best friends and I will say “Give me 10 minutes, I just need to cry it out and know your on the other side.”
• Write your feeling, thoughts, and wishes. Even write a good-bye letter and burn it (trust me on this one it feels so good).
• Be kind and patient with yourself. I have that written down on my mirror with a crayon. So I never forget my worth to myself and others.

Being a lesbian is isolating at times, especially in a small city with such a small availability of support, it can be extremely lonely. If any of you have watched If Theses Walls Could Talk 2, you know what I mean when I say people just don’t always get why we hurt so bad when we are left. I mean after all we are gay and we can just easily find some other woman, right? The bond a homosexual relationship has when developed and/or broken can often be overlooked by the straight community because of the lack of understand of same-sex couples, it’s not that easy! People don’t always get that our choices are limited and that we become not only lovers, but a family member and a best friend. When society, families and communities have shut us out sometimes our lover is the only person that gets us and is standing beside us in our time of need.

If anyone is ever interested in starting a social or support group for lesbians in our Community, let me know and maybe we can bridge the gap so we can support each other in the future.

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

“I thought I was all alone. I thought the world had turned its back on me. I stopped caring. I stopped believing in a love and began hiding for safety. All along you were beside me, fighting for me, showing your face to free me when all had been deafened by hate. I see you now, standing in front of me. Together we will change the angered walls into a roads of hope. My family. My friend.”

When I was 6 years old I had this massive crush on a girl named Victoria. She was so sweet and kind, I did not want to leave her side, she was my best friend. I remember telling my mom that I was in love with Victoria and that one day I would marry and take care of her. My mother smiled at me and gently whispered “that’s a long ways away but I bet you’ll do a good job!” My mom didn’t stop there, when I came out to her at 12 years old and told her I had all these feelings about being with a girl (actually I had already being experimenting, sorry mama!), again she surprised me with “love is a powerful emotion and you don’t get to choose the direction it’s grown in but you have the power to make it beautiful with whomever you feel it with.” If it wasn’t for her acceptance and love, I don’t believe I would be as proud of who I am today. That understanding and support is why I am comfortable in my skin and feel complete and whole as a Lesbian Woman. Unfortunately, I know not everyone is as lucky. I know for most of us that sharing who we are is a painful and sometimes isolating experience, and that’s why finding a support system that nurtures and protects us is one of the most important facets of a healthy human being.

My mother was a beautiful woman and if she were alive today I know she would be a proud mother of a Lesbian Woman, like so many friends and family that form PFLAG. Our support system is what makes us strong and helps us heal. To witness those we love the most in the world, fighting for our rights gives me goose bumps. There is no other love than someone standing up for you, letting the world know that who you are is important and deserves equality and a voice to be heard. Our support systems defines who we are and our environment, the less support the harder the journey. There are faceless people out in community that for no other reason then fairness stand beside you. Today, I want to thank all parents, family members, and friends who make that possible for us.

PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer). It has more than 200,000 members in over 500 communities in the USA. These individuals offer helplines, support groups, and resources for the LGBT community. They work hard at promoting health and well-being, aid in ending discrimination, and help secure equal civil rights. Our Queen Bee and greatest supporter in Columbia is a Lady Harriet Hancock, she is the proud mother who started the PFLAG Chapter in Columbia and helped push forward the Pride Movement in our beautiful city. Since learning of her son being gay she has worked hard to promote our rights and freedom. She is responsible for a lot of the advancement in our community here, we have a lot to be grateful for because of her. If you want to help support or are in need of guidance from this wonderful organization I have listed them as a resource and here are some upcoming events that can be viewed at: http://www.pflagmd.org/#events.

Being gay is not a choice, it’s who we are, and it’s our loving support systems that increase this awareness and self-worth within ourselves, our community and society. In a state that still has a negative view-point of what gay really means it’s going to be the help of supportive friends and family that will ease the pain and move us forward. By educating our community, more doors can be opened, greater opportunities will lay ahead and we can create a safer environment for us to live in. Coming out is hard enough but it does not need to be isolating, pull on your community, your gay “Family“. In addition, for those parents and friends confused and at a loss there is an opportunity to learn and love your gay family member with support from organizations and individuals like Ms. Harriet Hancock.

We all need to pull together it’s what makes people stronger, we are all linked and there are multiple obstacles that attempt to drag down our community. We need to be conscious of our impact on each other and in our Columbian Community. We must stand visibly together, and you can start today by being kind and open because after all it is Gay Awareness Month!

This article is dedicated to my mother , you were an amazing teacher and you are still helping me grow into a full person, even in death. I’d also like to say to Ms. Harriet Hancock, thank you for all your help and support. 

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

So where did we leave off? Yes, mixed messages, dysfunctional thinking, fear of abandonment, and insecurities, the perfect recipe for an unhappy self and unhealthy relationship. So how do we change? How do I move past this and into something healthy. Lets look at four more myths and then work on soothing and healing the wounds from within.

When people hear the word healing they begin to assume that it means to be happy all the time. Do you know anyone that is happy all the time? (and not because they are on something that’s making it so)

Myth- that in order “to make a relationship work I have to be happy all the time,” and make things agreeable for my partner. Well that works if your Super Woman and you have an endless supply of energy. However, if your like me, a mortal with ups and downs then acceptance is the key.

Depression is very common in women (National Institute of Mental Health states it effects 1 in 4 adults, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtm) and many of us struggle with other mood disorders such as bipolar, anxiety, post-traumatic stress etc. There is no shame in that, in fact the more your willing to see all the pieces that make you and love them for being parts of what makes you whole, the more peace you will feel. It begins with looking within and talking to a therapist to cope with those emotions and feelings. Think of the chemicals in your brain that fluctuates and control your moods like a body of water, an ocean, sometimes you have rough seas and sometimes there will be stillness Nothing ever remains the same. Therefore you will not feel like this forever, it’s just for a moment in time, so ride the wave.

Myth- Lesbians are famous for this one “I trust you totally, completely, and immediately.” How many times have you said that line? “I trust you, I don’t know why I just do” also known in our community as U-hauling. Here’s the thing, when you first meet a woman your attracted too, chemicals in your brain are released in such large amounts you could be considered as being “HIGH” so that whole I trust you in a moment is love intoxication. It will balance out in a few months but until then be aware of it. The truth is that trust is built over time, first you need a foundation before the structure can go up. Another facet of trust is if you came from a home where trust was inconsistent, you never knew what was going to happen or who you could rely on, you developed a skewed view of trust. Trust became something that wasn’t realistic, and you associated it with pain. So you did the next best thing and learned to take care of yourself. If you ever want a healthy relationship your going to have to learn to trust and let go of your old beliefs. Here’s the break down of what that trust means:

• Trust means your girlfriend/wife will not abuse you in any form: emotional (causing guilt, humiliation, pain), physical (hitting, biting, kicking, slapping, and choking), psychological (threatening suicidal and/or homicidal intentions), or sexual (rape and/or forced genital contact). Girls this means even one time is not okay, and needs to be discussed or seek help by trained counselors @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). This is not a safe or respectful relationship where you can show your feelings and develop trust.
• Trust means that you’ll be honest with your partner. No lying, manipulating or any forms of abuse!
• Trust means you both won’t deliberately hurt each other. For example, making each other jealous by using other women. That’s a no no and very unkind to all involved, remember “Do onto others what you want done to you.”
• Trust means you are free to grow and develop as a person without judgment or criticism.
• Trust is stability. That means your behaviors and actions towards each other are consistent, what you say today can be counted on because it will be so tomorrow.
• Trust means a shared and agreed commitment to each other, “If you say to me we won’t sleep with other women” then you don’t cheat! Same goes if the rules change and you want something different (like an open relationship), you inform your partner so that they can have the RIGHT to choose if that’s something they need or want.
• Trust means that confidence will be kept, “what happens between us stays between us!” That also goes back to respecting your lover and them trusting in you.

Without trust intimacy can not flourish and develop. Without trust we can not be are true selves, we have to hide behind too many masks. Without trust you can not develop love and passion, as there will always be a wall separating you from her. It can be soothed but you need to be willing to do some work and maybe get some help from the outside to find it. I’ll give you this much Authentic Trust makes for amazing love-making and intimacy beyond your wildest dreams, because your both Free. Might just be worth the inner work and time!

Myth- “We will do everything together,” sure if you want to go crazy. It’s nice when we enjoy each other but there needs to be time for yourself and friends too (and no my friends don’t need to be your friends!). You need to have boundaries with each other and be respectful of each others space. This will help support a loving relationship, one which allows for growth and individuality.

Last myth for the day, one I deal with all the time with my clients in recovery and otherwise. “If you can not anticipate and know what I want without me having to ask for it, then it has no value” “You need to know my thoughts, wishes, and desires.” I don’t know about you ladies but there is nothing in my little head that can help me read minds. That is an unrealistic expectation, and a very distorted one that many of us grew up with. We won’t say what we want for our birthday’s, or ask for sex, or share a thought because to us it seems like it means less if we have to ask for it. Well, the value is in receiving not playing a guessing game. If you want something be honest and ask for it, most of the time the our partners has no idea what you want and need if we haven’t shared it with them. You will keep getting disappointed and hurt, if you base everything on how much can be read off the top of your head. So if you catch yourself saying “she’s suppose to know that!” Cut it out!  Let her know before hand what she’s supposedly suppose to know when it comes to your needs and wants. Expectations are discussed and agreed upon by setting up Personal Relationship Rules. It can go something like this: When I’m sad I’ll let you know and I would appreciate it if you gave me some time when you can devote 100% to me so I may share it with you. If that’s reasonable to both of you then keep it, if it’s not then put it back on the table and renegotiate the rule.

The last three myths are so important that the whole next article will be devoted to them. They are Control, Loyalty, and Validation. It is important to give yourself time to absorb all this information. Again, all of this can be found in the book Struggle for Intimacy by Janet Woititz.

Write down some of your thoughts or discuss it with a friend or your girlfriend/wife. Explore how these myths have affected you and your relationship/s. Learn so you can grow.

~The Lesbian Guru 

Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru