Posts Tagged ‘ The Lesbian Guru ’

Presenting Ace Reign!

It’s so hard these days to meet genuine people that are not into things for the mere popularity or money making deals. I think often when we do meet individuals that are sincere and speak or in this case sing their passion and love, that we automatically think they want something or they are a frauds. This world has become so doubtful and abusive towards each other that talent, true conviction and passion are overridden by insecurities.

Last night I had a conversation with a new and upcoming artist Ace Reign, and I just fell in love with this woman’s words and passion. First of all, I am a sucker for women who are intelligent and able to communicate their ideas, but to also do it in a manner that reaches and teaches people is amazing.

My aim has always been to empower and connect with the lesbian community, so when I asked the brilliant Rapper her thoughts of being seen as a Dominant/Aggressive Gay woman in the entertainment industry she actually caught me off guard by gently correcting me.  

She brought about a very important point that labels are very constricting and that they often allow people to be discriminated upon or boxed in. She shared that she is herself and that she is proud of who she is, being a person of this world that loves what she creates and happens to also have relationships with women.

I agreed with her, stereotyping means making generalizations towards people and that creates an opening for prejudice “like butch girls don’t cry!” We are all guilty of it and do it aggressively within our own community. She stated back, “Wouldn’t it be great if people would just want to get to know you before they judge you or see someone in baggy jeans and not automatically think oh, that must be a guy and call you Sir.”

There are so many wonderful and extraordinary Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) artists and Ace is no exception, just listening to her music is inspiring and you cannot help smiling when she says things like “ I breath my music, lyrics are emotions, pain… It is how I tell my story or someone I have meet that inspired me” Her songs come from her journey through life and stories that others have shared with her and the passion she felt in those moments.
She is definitely not in any box with any label but a free soul whose journey is to inspire and connect with others through music.  She is a pioneer in her art, in Still Riding Ace expresses her experience with the heterosexual male rapping industry and fights another stereotype “girls can’t rap” or assume a woman cannot reach a level of artistry as men.  The lyrics in Still Ridin show victory and power over the negative views and beliefs, showing survival in the tough Hip Hop world. 

I am glad I got this chance to have a conversation with an artist and creator of beauty, this woman that represents the lesbian community but also of that of all artist, will soon in her own right be shining so bright that reaching her may be near impossible.

It is up to us as a community to support our LGBT talent, to help them shine and represent us in a positive light. It is our responsibility as a community to look out for one another so that the world sees our true talents, because we have so many!

Good luck my Friend, you are amazingly talented. Keep inspiring, writing, singing, and may the world embrace you passion!

~The Lesbian Guru

 Please subscribe for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
07/15
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LGBT Entertainment
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Have Limits Damn It!

Working in the substance abuse field I often come across an array of personality disorders, they can be characterized by long-term, rigid patterns of thinking and behaviors that create problems in life and relationships and inhibit one’s ability to function in the world.

The definition really does not give this kind of manifestation of traits in a person justice, having this syndrome places great stress on the person as well as their systems. If you have had the pleasure of having someone with a personality disorder in your life you know what I mean, they can be abusive then loving, then suicidal all in the span of 10 minutes. It’s confusing to the outsider, and worst of all being around them can breakdown and sicken a whole family. It is really a hard cross to bare but with a little work and commitment to a healthy mind it can be managed.

Being that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender’s (LGBT) have a high rate of mental illness, substance use or abuse, and limited support or resources means that you really need to be your own advocate in getting help. Until we have more availability it’s up to you to find a provider and work with them while building a loving support system.

I am here to help and this lesson is really valuable in maintaining healthy communication, one that I constantly have to remind myself of when working with Personality Disorders, children, teens, and just individuals with poor boundaries (they can not see how their behavior affects others!).

The secret is limits, these groups of people and my three year old are famous for pushing your buttons until you scream! Therefore you need to become a Master at Communicating Your Limits. Here is how you do it using the DEAR technique:

Always pick a good time to talk and share. This means when the person is stable and doing well. Most of us will shy away from doing it because we fear upsetting the person, but you still would not attempt it if they were mad so happy is a better time then never. Personally, in the past I have set times to sit down and talk, so we are both prepared.

Describe the issue without making judgment or exaggerating and be as objective as possible and as detailed as you can. Pretend you are reading out of a book and describing the situation, try not to pretend what you think the other person’s feelings or intentions were. Just describe your view of what happened.

Express how you feel clearly about a specific situation or opinion. Using “I” statements will allow you to take responsibility for your feelings and share them openly. For example, “I feel frightened to come to you sometimes and share how I feel because I do not know what you will do.”

Assert your limits, making it a preference on how you would like to be treated, and explain that it is the behavior that makes you uncomfortable. For example, one of my Personal Rules is that “if you want to resolve this we need to do it calmly and when the child is out of the house.”

People will try and make it a competition on who is right or wrong and debate your feelings. Stand strong with your feet firmly on the ground and restate if you have to “I get what you are saying and that you have these feelings and that you feel that I am being ridiculous but the fact still remains that your yelling, lying, etc. (whatever the behavior) to me is unacceptable, and I need/want it to stop.”

Reinforce the good in changing the behavior, if possible. For example “If we can communicate without yelling at each other then I can hear what you have to say.  I care about your thoughts and feelings and I will feel safe in sharing my own.” Do not use treats, this is manipulative and will backfire. Always act for yourself, not in order to control someone else.

There are a lot of people who struggle to understand that others have feelings and may get upset and hurt and forget that you still love them even though you are in disagreement, so you might have to remind them. One thing I have encountered in the past is “You must hate me, you don’t love me anymore.” You can respond back, “Of Course I do not hate you, I love you! In fact I care about you and this relationship so much that I want to work this out. I also care enough about myself to know that this is something I need to talk to you about.”

Even with the best intentions and communication skills you may still hit many walls and not get your message across, just remain consistent and believe that you are worth the resolution. People have very sensitive and fragile egos and will often want to become defensive, this is a normal attempt in self-preservation as they see you being unhappy and possibly abandoning them. Communicating Limits with The Lesbian Guru

Keep your intentions true and focus on what you can manage and control, YOU!

~The Lesbian Guru

 Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
07/13
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Lesbian Psychology
Lesbian Relationships
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Attn: Depressed Lesbian

We all get depressed and have moments where the wave of sadness seems to have hit us and decided to linger. Depression is one of those emotions that if you don’t tell it to leave and move on, it will start to take shape and become that friend that has no boundaries and has decided to move in!


You can’t always predict when you will get depressed, and when it comes unannounced it can be the hardest feeling to overcome. Many things can trigger depression, examples include feelings of loss and sadness. There are the obvious ones, like the death of a friend or family member, job problems, financial stress, mental illness, unhappy relationships, breaking up, etc… Depression can also be attributed to your hormones, having your premenstrual cycle, thyroid problems, poor diet, lack of exercise, poor sleep, stress, anger, resentment, jealousy, low-self esteem, using drugs and alcohol, etc… a lot of people, places and things can contribute to our depression. Watch Depression with The Lesbian Guru on YouTube

Lesbians and LGBTs as a whole may be more at risk for developing depression, due to living in a homophobic society, facing rejection from one’s family, not having equal legal recognition of relationships, being closeted in all areas of one’s life or simply in one, using substances abusively, and lacking equal health insurance benefits – all are risk factors for depression in LGBTs. 

It is very important you learn what triggers your depression and ways of coping, the more tools you are able to build the easier it will be to manage in a health way. Here are some tips to try and alleviate the feelings.

  1. Read! Get lost in a book and your imagination, when I was recovering from a painful break up my friend gave me this erotic lesbian book. I laughed when she gave it to me, as my sexual and sensual side is usually in full force but seemed to be on strike, she said it would keep my passion oxygenated until I found love again and by then I may have learned a few more tricks (It worked like magic!). 
  2. Change your routine. When I get bored that’s when I get anxious which soon leads to depression and me going on spending sprees with money I don’t have! So now I have learned to change things around and keep things interesting, for example last night I had dessert before dinner and I took a new way home coming back from work. It keeps your mind active and your brain on it’s toes!
  3. Make plans! Depression keeps you home bound and isolated, so make plans to see people and go out even if it’s by yourself. I love getting my music in my ears and walking by the river, it’s so peaceful.
  4. If you have OCD like me then you will completely understand this one! Spring Clean and organize, there is nothing more relaxing then seeing my house all nice and clean and having big garbage bags filled with goodwill stuff. I killed two birds with one stone, my home feels clean and beautiful and I have given back to others!
  5. Get some sleep and rest. Now I do not want you in bed all day and night, that’s depression at it’s worst, but get into a routine where you go to bed at the same time and wake up in the morning at the same time. More than 10 hours of sleep though is usually a little too much but everyone is different.
  6. Express who you are! I love to paint and write (of course!) and those two things help me release energy and express myself in a healthy way… but I have also been known to wear crazy outfits and go for a walk just because I love seeing the shocked faces of my conservative voyeurs! It brings out the naughty in me and I get a giggle out of it!
  7. Hang out in a group or build your own community. Being around others keeps your mind and soul intact and helps us forget our worries by having a support system.
  8. Share your feelings either in a journal or talking to someone, let go of what is troubling you. There is nothing better than a good bitch session. In fact I had one last night with a girlfriend of mine and I slept like a baby, to have her there and laugh with me made everything less larger than life (Thank you Alison)!
  9. Do not catastrophes. Making the world your enemy does not make anything better and just because you feel like this today does not mean you will feel like this tomorrow!  
  10. When we get depressed we begin digging a hole so stay focused on what makes you feel good and making goals towards that.  It starts with asking for help and helping yourself! 
     

Lastly, if it does not get better after two weeks or gets worse go talk to a professional. Depression and Anxiety are very treatable and often with the right therapy you will be back to feeling more stable! The Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists (www.aglp.org) and the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (www.glma.org) can help with referrals. Your insurance company can also be a referral source; many managed care plans actually require that they be contacted by you if you are in need of a mental health referral before you schedule an appointment with a clinician.

If ever you begin feeling suicidal or have thoughts or hurting yourself or someone else please call 911 immediately or go to the closest ER.

My Suicide Note on YouTube

~The Lesbian Guru

 Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
07/10
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Lesbian Psychology
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A Borderline Lesbian Love!

Are you in a relationship with a woman and find yourself asking questions (often) like “Why did she hurt me?”,”How did I get involved with her?” and “Why does she act that way? Do you feel like your relationship is out of control and that every move you make has the butterfly effect, provoking a hurricane minutes later?

About 6 million people in America have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), most of them are women. If you are in a relationship with a woman with BPD, their behavior is affecting you. Women with BPD are often described as emotionally or verbally abusive, manipulative, deceitful, invalidating, demanding, lacking in empathy, moody, self-harming (use drugs/alcohol, and/or sexually impulsive), illogical, unfair, self-absorbed, and abusive towards children. Now this is important, you do not have to have all of these to have this disorder. There needs to be enough of an influence of these traits to cause chaos in your life and relationships.

A diagnosis can be given by a trained mental health professional if you decided to know if have this disorder or if you are with a partner that may be affected by these character traits. Like most disorders it is manageable, just like diabetes, however it requires treatment and becoming aware of symptoms and coping skills.

Most Borderlines are a powerful force and provoke fear in a relationship. Woman who love a borderline feel “brainwashed” by their partner’s accusations and criticisms. They will make you feel helpless, isolated, get you to doubt what you know and feel, wear you down, and keep you on your toes (in a scary way!). If you are feeling like this and you want to regain control of your life and make better decisions you should go and talk to someone experienced with the disorder.

In our community of women we are bound to bump into a lady affected by BPD (it affects more women then men remember!). We can not always help who we fall in love with, but we can have the knowledge and power to protect ourselves and the wisdom to walk away. Some loves are not worth the pain, unfortunately, sometimes being healthy means knowing what is good for you and feeling the pain of letting go. If you choose to stay in such a relationship, than knowing what triggers certain emotions in you and your partner can help you to better manage the interaction in your relationship.

Borderline personalities have predictable behavior patterns (it’s all about the pattern!), which stem out of nine traits found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), as well as false beliefs. Understanding how your partner’s emotions and behaviors affect you, how you react and how it in turn effects your partner will give light into the cycle of your relationship. Some patterns to look for:
 

  • Extreme Projecting- they attribute their own lack of self-worth unto someone else. Saying things like “I’m not controlling, you are!” “Stop screaming at me” and “You always treat me like shit.”  
  • Splitting- Everything is black and white or good and bad. If you’re not with them then you are against them, and that can mean war!
  • Everything is your fault. It is a pouring of continual blame and criticism. If you are saying “I cannot do anything right!” you have been sucked in.
  • My needs are more important. Everything is about them and if you do what they need then everything will be good for you. They will go above and beyond for their own needs to be met.
  • I win, you lose, or no one wins! Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
  • Keep your distance! No, I mean get a little closer (this one will drive you crazy!) I want you close but feel worthless and afraid if you find out I need you (no this is not freaking charming). The love you/ I hate you game will wear you down like sandpaper on rope.
  • Verbal Abuse: domination, assaults, abusive expectations, unpredictable responses, denial, and CHAOS. “I’m telling you this to make you a better person!”
  • Emotional Blackmail- they are masters at manipulation, that’s why boundaries are going to be important in developing a healthy cycle.

This is just the surface of the information available to you. There are a lot of resources and information out there. Unfortunately, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) people are at greater risk of mental health disorders and suicidal behavior, this could be due partly from prejudice, social stress, social shame about sexuality, and lack of support. This is why as a community we need to reinforce support, resource, and communication amongst ourselves. Some resources available are: Oz online community for LGBT family members with a Borderline Loved One  and the book series Stop Walking on Eggshells.

In addition, this is not about judging a woman affected by BPD but it is about making healthier choices (hopefully in the pursuit of happiness). The more knowledge you have of your environment the better decisions can be made for yourself and your family. We all have rights, personal rights, make sure you take a moment to recognize them and make decisions not to avoid pain in the short-term but to find health, love and happiness in the long-term.

~The Lesbian Guru


Please Subscribe above for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
07/08
POSTED BY
CATEGORY
Lesbian Relationships
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How to make Lesbian Friendships

Ever feel at a loss? Are you completely consumed by life demands? At times it feels like we are on a stage and everyone is watching us fail! We have a sense of lose, as if it is within reach but like a toy that’s been taken by the ocean’s current it has slipped away.

 

Every relationship has left a trace, maybe even jaded our view of life and love to a point where even if perfection was to walk in it would seem impossible to see her! Or maybe even want her. Why want what you can’t have or ever keep.

You go out and every woman looks the same, every woman sounds the same, so familiar on the surface nothing has changed.  We have the same discussion with different faces and hear the same empty promises and speech of lost loves and new beginnings. 

We have become committed to finding a partner so badly that for most of us friendships have been put aside, until that someone comes along. Others of us have been in relationships where being with one another was sufficient and slowly isolated you from the world. Friendship, the unconditional love we have for what once was a stranger is the equivalent to oxygen in a healthy person.

Lesbians have difficulty maintaining friendships with other lesbians. In fact, I always get a distrustful look when I tell women that all I want is a lesbian friendship from them or that I have not slept with any of my friends. Maybe I am plagued with an ideal that a love of a friend shouldn’t be cluttered by sexual advances or memories that often skew intentions and bonds. Not to say I have ex’s whom aren’t my friends but it’s different to a friend that I have shared secrets, dreams and fears without any vulnerability of sex interfering in the connection.

Then again I am an idealist and as such I think big without focusing on detail, so it may all be crap, so here are some ways to build friendships simply because it is good for you to have that kind of love! 

  • Start or join a Club, it does not matter what kind just as long as you’re passionate and have an interest. It could be a book club, chess, or some kind of activity. I used to love going to my knitting group, I can’t knit to save my life and never actually made anything but I loved listening and spending time with those ladies.
  • Volunteer, you will be doing something for another without a reward and building connections with people you may have never encountered. I suggest you begin with our community; we are in need of volunteers at local LGBT centers.
  • Online, it can be safe if used widely and you will make friends globally!
  • Go to a meeting, if you’re into any kind of recovery get to a meeting, There is alcoholics (AA), narcotics (NA), codependents (CODA) anonymous meetings as well as multiple support groups for a variety of issues, behaviors and problems.
  • Go back to school or take a night class, it will build your self esteem to complete or become more competent in a different area as well as help you meet people with similar interests.
  • Get to know your neighbors, unless they are crazy or have gay bashing material visible then stay away!
  • Sign up with your alumni, you’ll get news from peers and reconnect and be able to share war stories.
  • Talk to a stranger, I do this all the time and it can be fun, you never know where the conversation is going to lead you. It is also a very good way to practice your communication skills!

Friendships are built on who we are, but mostly they are amazing when life feels lonely and repetitive. You can share laughter and tears with someone that loves you. You can also just do what my girlfriends and I enjoy doing, communicating on a level where we are able to be with gay women that understand the lifestyle. Lesbians understand the complexities of women and can have a safe place to share and grow from your LGBT support system!

~The Lesbian Guru 


Please Subscribe  for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://http/Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

2010
07/06
POSTED BY
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Lesbian Psychology
Lesbian Relationships
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