How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Growing up I was only warned of two types of abuse. As grateful as I am that my parents took the time to describe these forms of abuse to me, and then proceed to in grain them in my youthful mind; there were many things they left out. Unfortunately, the forms of abuse that are often identified are physical or sexual abuse. And although, there are both forms of abuse, we go on further to stereotype them by stating that physical and sexual abuse happens with men against women. It is this limited view and generalization that leads people to feel alone and unnoticed, and why so many lesbians in abusive relationships remain hidden behind society’s biases and ignorance.

In therapy, I have often had to identify a form of abuse that is difficult to verbalize- Emotional Abuse. One of the most common abuses found between women, especially in lesbian relationhips. For most of us, this type of abuse remains hidden by words and ignored by others. I have had to explain to my clients “it’s the type of pain someone causes that leaves no physical marks and is easily forgiven as there is no evidence of abuse.”

It is easy to forgive emotional abuse, because we can simply explain it away through personality differences, “that’s just how she is or talks… she means nothing by it… she’s never hit me or anything.” However, the pain is memorable, destructive, and should not be explained away- in fact, its power pulls the victim to self-punish and feel guilty for feeling sad, or hurt, or abused, because there are no physical traces left behind.

One of my dear friend’s became very upset with me when I told her she was being emotionally abused. She defensively fought back that her girlfriend was more experienced with a dominant personality. She continued to defend her behavior by stating that she never hit or yelled at her. However, when I mentioned that CONTROL has many ugly shapes and forms; one of which is manipulating another person’s thoughts and behavior to overpower them- it was evident that emotional abuse was happening. It was a tearful night.

Emotional abuse can be seen verbally; for example, a partner verbally degrading her girlfriend in public or private “you are stupid” and making her jealous or insecure “you will never find someone like me. Women want me, but I chose you.” However, very often it is through economic and financial resources that the abuser controls the victim by rigidly controlling finances; withholding money; making you account for your spending; withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); preventing you from working, sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly, stalking you at work) and stealing from you or taking your money.

If you believe that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can help yourself to get through it by connecting with others. An abuser maintains power by isolating the other person from a loving and protective network. You need to seek others who can give you a more balance view point, and motivate you towards positive change.  Also seek outside help. If you are concerned for your safety, do not hesitate to seek outside help if needed. Once in a safe place, you should connect with supportive services for abused individuals. This can be done through individual therapy (go to your local mental health agency and ask for a referral), group support systems (CODA and other support groups), and private practice.

I think the hardest aspect of abuse is grasping the “why me” effect. We can never answer the question as to why would a person we have chosen to love, has chosen to repay that commitment with fear and control. The question cannot be answered because it is not ours to answer. However, we do have a choice as to how people treat us, and for how long. Honestly, abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance. The greatest lesson in life is learning when to walk away without any answers or apologies, just hard truths.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru orhttp://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

We would like to think we are stronger than we are and more emotionally stable then the next person, however that would be hard to prove.  Even more so it would be difficult to believe.  We all carry baggage and issues in our past that cause us to occasionally feel unsteady and shaken.

There are very few of us that can honestly say we are as stable and strong as we seem, for the rest of us it is a daily battle of finding that equilibrium. When people come into therapy it is for one reason, there is something in their lives that has became unmanageable. There is something that has been putting pressure underneath their skin like a splinter that has embedded it self and is now an infection.

What is that splinter whose mucous pus is causing so much pain in our lives? PEOPLE! It is usually a person or group of people. It is amazing how much power we give to others over us. It never ceases to amaze me how we allow others to create fears and anxiety to such levels that we are unable to function or become dysfunctional.

Dysfunctional is the clinical term for when the engine of our Begin is not running smoothly, and a little oil and TLC is needed. When we have allowed the action and behavior of ourselves and another to cause friction in different areas of our life, such as school, work, friendships, family, spiritually, and health. We start throwing rocks into our engine, when we have either built barriers or have poor boundaries with others.

We all have a personal boundary, it is an imaginary line that surrounds you and protects you from situations and peoples you feel threatened by. When the threat is real this boundary is indispensable to our survival, but sometimes the threats are not what they appear. Our past can cause us to imagine threats that are not there, when we have learnt mistrust and that everyone is an enemy.

When we have difficulty trusting we see treats that aren’t always there. Our boundaries soon became barriers or walls that are most likely causing us harm rather then providing protection. As kids we aren’t always taught healthy boundaries and we are forced to allow people closer then we feel comfortable.  We may have felt that those we have allowed close took over our inner thoughts and feeling, abusing the lines that protect us, our boundaries.

As children we learn in situations like these, where are personal boundaries were not respected, to build walls instead.  A learnt situation could be something like your parents wanting to know if your gay because of behaviors they have noticed, or being forced to date a guy so show you straightness, but it could also be something as destructive as sexual or physical abuse. In any of theses cases we will probably build walls as a coping mechanisms.

Unfortunately, as we grow older tools such as building excellent walls to survive the powerlessness of childhood, became weapons in adulthood.  If we cannot let our lover in and trust her, she well never feel like she is in a committed relationship and there will be no intimacy.  I have noticed in my own past and hearing stories from my clients that when we have walls we are emotionally unavailable. For most of us it’s been a life long experience that we have completely became unaware of this tapping out process. You most likely heard your partner call you “distant” or felt the neediness of you partner that seems to never be fulfilled.

When we are emotionally unavailable we cannot commit and we also happen to attract the emotionally needy. Human dynamics is an extraordinary thing where the magnets of our soul attract people who will continue to push the unmanageable monster within us as we will for them.

Here are some key steps in developing healthy boundaries:

1. Learn when others are not respecting your boundaries, for example when people are: over-enmeshment, disassociated, there is excessive detachment, victimized or martyrdom, aloofness or shyness, cold and distant, always in your face/smothering, and don’t respect your privacy.

2. Why are you letting others do these thing to you, most likely you have thoughts or ideas that you deserve it or that you are to blame in some way. At this stage seeing a therapist would be recommended to help you work through these maladaptive thoughts and damaging self-belief system.

3. Swap the old for the new! Get some healthier ideas and thought about yourself if something is not working for you let it go and try something new. For example, go from “maybe I deserve this abuse” to” I want people to respect me. I want a partner who supports me.”

4. Identify behaviors that will help to stay healthy, for example learn how to say “NO” and “thank you but no thank you.”

5. Be consistent once you decided to change. You have identified how do it, now do it in all areas of your life. Remember being healthy is a skill so the more you do it the more competent you become at it! So get practicing!

You deserve the life you want and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let anyone treat you any less.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

I have been sick since Thanksgiving, and it’s bad enough when you’re sick, but feeling like shit and coughing for almost a month will make anyone crazy. Run down, depressed and sad due to current life choices, which is how I always get when I’m feeling down, well I found myself saying a lot “It’s not fair!”

That statement makes my hair raise when any other person says it and I have worked hard to train myself not to fall into that hole, but when your being hit on all sides the “it’s not fairs” take over and we fall in the bottomless pit of being a victim of life’s circumstances.

So still sick, but on my way to recovery and really over everything I am taking a stand, and working on getting over the disease of falling into the victim box.  

I was telling a friend just this week, life is hard and I have every excuse in the world to be an asshole and take whatever I want from others, but I don’t. I could easily fuck who I want and kick them to the curve, lie, cheat, and steal, but I don’t. I could manipulate, abuse, and scare you into staying with me and being in my life, but I don’t. 

When life has hit us hard in all sorts of ways whether you have grown up poor, abused, abandoned, or hurt you have all the excuses in the world to be selfish, hurtful, angry, greedy, and self-centered. You can stay a victim and have the eyes and will to make all those that cross your path a predator- someone worth punishing for all your past pains.

You can use that label to never learn to trust and stay clear of love, pushing and pulling people till they feel so crazy they are running for the exit or have become hopeless to your manner and be complacent with the common habit that is you.

 Or… you could do something different? 

1. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, even better stop comparing those you love with those who have hurt you. I can’t stand it when people start telling me all the things they don’t want. If you don’t fucking want it why the fuck are you thinking about it. WHAT DO YOU WANT! Not anyone else!
2. When we are kids we are trained with certain beliefs “you’re stupid” or “you work hard enough and everything will go right,” “bad things happen to bad people,” but those are ideas that can be changed especially if they make you feel like shit.  You are an adult now, so let go of beliefs, ideas, and expectation that are not working for you. Create the life you want, create beliefs that are realistic and not what you think should happen or what you’re entitled to.
3. Life does not always go as planned, but if life was a blueprint meant to be followed by the line there would be no room to grow or learn.  You can plan all you want but you will still be faced with separation, grief, stress, money issues, family problems, and loss. Theses unplanned events can cause us pain and are often very unfair. Life is about learning, and when upsets happens those are the times we have to take care of ourselves, nurture our relationships, and reevaluate our direction. Feel the pain and then move on, staying put is a sink hole.
4. Let go of resentments. They are an absolute waste of fucking time, unless you like feeling like crap and have all the time in the world. Holding on to disappointment will only set you back and keep you from growing as an individual. Let go of that ugly thought that’s on repeat “it’s not fair. It should have worked out!” It did not my Love so move on.
5. Ask yourself, who told you anything was fair or how the universe should run its course. Take a step back and remember your place in this world. It is not just you, there are others and you share space with all. Be respectful of the fact that you are part of a cosmic community and balance in our world and that means that good and shitty things happen.
6. Stop wanting to CONTROL everything. You can’t and actually really you’re not going to, however disillusioned you are in thinking you have control. There is no such thing as ultimate control, so do your best at building balance between taking and giving of control. One of the biggest lessons westerners have to learn is relinquishing control. When you listen and accommodate for others you are relinquishing control but are getting respect and love back.
7. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t push people away with the “life is not fair” so I am going to do what I want, how I want, when I want. Don’t play with others that don’t want to share and love like you? Find balance and healthy love.
8. Look at your life and ask yourself if you were really were responsible for every bad thing that happened. Be truthful to yourself as those of us that seek utter control also punish ourselves when bad things happen because they were in “control” and made bad choices. Well that’s a lie, because you can’t control the world just you, so forgive yourself for what you think you may have done and let it go.
9. Talk to a therapist. Learn to ask for help. Get a new perspective.

Life is not fair but it is beautiful and wondrous, when you change the lenses you have been looking at it from.

Be powerful by always wanting to learn who you are, questioning your motives and intentions, and move forward always.

Happy Holiday my Darlings! Have a safe and beautiful Christmas.

~The Lesbian Guru 

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru