How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

A few months ago I received an email from a woman who was upset, over a conversation that happened with a few of her friends.  One of her acquaintance’s thought that a woman could not call herself a lesbian if she had not being sexually active with another woman.  True, that the primary use for the word lesbian is to describe a woman sexually attracted to another woman; however, there is no indication in that same definition that you must have been sexually active with another woman to be identified as a lesbian.

I would hope that being a lesbian is more than just enjoying and taking pleasure from being sexual with a woman. The majority, often identify us in the narrowest sense of the word. However, lesbianism is not only a sexual orientation, but also a complex system supported by psychological responses, cultural values, societal expectations, and a woman’s own formulation of identity.  It is this narrow and limited understanding that prevents lesbians from getting respect and consideration from the societies we belong too.

When I first come out, I was completely taken by the sexual experience and intimacy of being with another woman. I had never had sex with a woman, but had relentlessly imagined it in my mind (where I am pretty sure I wore some parts of my brain out).  It was only after a few years, and my first real heartbreak that I began to learn the lesbian culture.  I was exposed to music and literature, specifically written and sang in a way that meant something to me and my identity. I did not have to remove the “hims” and “his’” to make it familiar.  I also enjoyed lesbian cinema, where I could visibly dissect the different aspects of a lesbian relationship- they were sadly my only role models.

It was also around that time I made friends in the lesbian community, women who I shared stories with.  I enjoy all of my friendships, but my lesbian friends have a special hold on me (and not because I slept with them, because I do not sleep with my friends); because they understand the passion and craziness of loving a woman.  I discovered the familiar heartaches we experience, and that there is an intricate depth among lesbian women.  Unfortunately, I was also exposed to how vulnerable and alone we are. The little support there is in our society to protect us, for example, for years I was afraid of getting divorce and having my child taken away from me.

Being a lesbian became more than just who I slept with, because even as a single celibate woman I was still a lesbian.  My new identity challenged me to become stronger when faced with hurdles (discrimination and homophobia), but also pushed me to embrace the beautiful and unique differences.  I learned the meaning of community and the reason that standing together is more powerful than standing alone.  I have had the privilege  of being part of a historic time in our community, and fighting for civil rights. None of which have to do with sex, but more so what I represent.

We have enough labels (e.g. baby dyke, butch, femme),  let us not discriminate any further, or with judgement force each other into social/sexual boxes. We all have our own journey in life, and for some that means living openly gay; whereas for others the choice is to live a celibate or heterosexual life- knowingly that their spirit will always be Lesbian.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

As LGBT individuals we already experiencing the shame and guilt of abuse but we may feel also now the pressure to hid our true identity so that we can use services such as shelter, support groups or crisis lines. The belief is if I pretend to be heterosexual I will get more acceptance and care for my situation. Or there is the pressure to “come out” to get help and risk that information not being kept confidential and losing your home, job, custody of children etc. With our LGBT status made public, as nothing in treatment is absolutely confidential especially when law enforcement is concerned, negative life changing events may happen due to the lack of local and/or state laws. We have limited protection compared to our abused heterosexual counterparts. Disheartening is that even with me sharing this information with you, they will be many that will not take it further and seek help!

Often LGBT victims are not joined financially to their partner, so ending the relationship is met with little resistance in the money sector. What if though there is conjoined financial responsibilities, such as paying mortgage, there are no legal structures in place that assure that assets are divided equally. Heterosexual have no idea how much laws protect them and how we are seating ducks risking everything for who we are.

Conventional resources for domestic violence often lack training, expertise and sensitivity in understanding LGBT relationship and abuse. We have to deal with others bias, stereotypes, and homophobia. Society also uses the information of finding out that gays hit each other as another reason why homosexuality is immoral and dysfunctional, which makes finding genuine help difficult as well as making us feel even further isolated and alone in our pain.

Even more painful to me is that my own community is unsupportive of one of us being abused and hurt. As small as our community is, often abuse will travel fast within our circles and sides may be taken as well as disgust of the abuse from within our social networks. This makes the abused even more exposed and vulnerable.

We are trying to fight so hard for society to accept us, many want to maintain or create an image that there exists no problems or disturbing behavior in our community. There is a fear in us if we give this world any more reasons to set us aside we will never reach freedom, so we hide our parts of the dysfunction found in our community instead of building bridge to get healthier and fight a greater more supported fight! Which is again what drives me everyday with the need to help my community be healthier, happier, and supported?

If we don’t acknowledge that gays have serious problems such as drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, abuse like any other community, resources will remain limited and we will continue to suffer!

I have been met with support as well as resistance in my new journey on building a link and bring together as many LGBTs as possible but if we don’t know each other, we will continue to feel isolated. I don’t want to feel that way, alone, why would I want anyone else especially one of my own? I am no better then anyone else and I don’t deserve anymore or any less then anyone else and neither do you!

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

“Trust me.
Trust me. I would never hurt you.
Trust me. I will never leave you.
Trust me. I will not cheat on you.
Trust me. I will never abuse you, harm you, and not care for you.
Trust me. I will never lie to you, because it’s different with you.
Trust me.
Trust me because everything I just told you is what I fear in myself.
Trust me to not know any different but to hurt you so you feel my pain
Trust me to not know any different but to leave you when I am scared
Trust me to cheat on you when I am done using you
Trust me to hit, scream, manipulate, yell, ignore, and be completely indifferent to you
Because everything I ever told you was a lie and the only difference was that you believed me.
Thank you for trusting me.”

Trust, a word thrown around more then “I love you” without meaning  or sincerity.   I get so sick of hearing it that I have built an immediate “no expectation” rule as soon as its spoken.  The truth is many have not a clue what it means to trust another human being. Most of us know its power, that as soon as it is uttered out of your lips, like a fish line in water the hook has been placed.

Trust, when you break down the word to its purest meaning it’s the confidence in another to be honest with you, faithful to their word, keep promises, confide in you, and not abandon you.

Trust, it requires that you have an understanding or have a realistic perspective about others and their expectation of failure.

Like a cypress tree it takes time to grow, needing an environment of consistency in what is being said and actions taken, it’s love, forgiveness and acceptance.  Where power and control are surrendered as part of a destructive force in a relationship, and expectations are lowered.

When women come into our lives they are broken, that is one truth you can hold in your trust.  That we begin breaking as soon as we leave the womb.  Every piece of our history and past has left marks and wounds that complicate our knowing of self and the way we deal with our relationships.

If she tells you she’s hurt every other women she’s been in a relationship with, she is telling you the truth, and she is also warning you.  If she tells you that in her past relationships there was difficulty in communication, abuse, anger, abandonment ect… she’s warning you. She’s telling you “I have been broken, this is my pattern, and this is who I am.”

Previous pain hurts, fears, and losses can interfere in a relationship and determine the success of a relationship. 

We are fragile. You can tell me you are strong, that you overcome great battles but not without scares and fears.

Therefore we need to readjust our reality of what others are capable of and when you choose to trust.  Trust grows with the relationship. As you share with each other you begin to build an understanding of the woman you have begun to care for.  You give yourself time to see if the person is authentic and determine their character, needs, attitudes, motivations, goals, and of course, their fears.

Trust grows from unconditional love. When she expresses kindness and you feel her acceptance, you feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest about who you are and how you feel. Trust is when you are communicating openly, sharing feelings, failures, and ideas.

So ask yourself, how does she communicate to you? Do you feel love, kindness, is it open or are you scared and feel powerless. I always ask would they talk to their family or friends this way.  If I know that this inpatient, angry or unstable communication is mine alone to endure I take a step back after I have communicated how I feel about the relationship and re-evaluate if it is a situation I want to CHOOSE to stay in.

I cannot be in a fear-based relationship as it creates distrust, dishonesty, mixed messages, pain, and breaks down intimacy.

People can change but only if they want to. People can change if they are willing to let go of the fears and pains that have been setting them back, when they can let go of control and forgive themselves for failures. People can change when they let go of the notion of perfection, and that because there is no perfection, you will disappoint your partner.

When we can accept are imperfections and see how another person loves us with the knowledge of all that makes us imperfect you will never feel a greater love.  The freedom to share, be true to yourself without fear, make mistakes with the opportunity to learn forgiveness and growth. WOW. Real love. Real trust.

A wondrous adventure with another person, who was once a stranger that chose you, to be with you, to grow with you. Now that is something to chase and run too rather then looking in your rearview mirror at all the could haves, should haves, and would haves.

Tell me, what’s in front of you? Is there something you could do differently today? Are you treating each other with kindness? Is there something you can let go so you can begin forgiveness and growth towards a new direction? Tell me, are you doing what you need too to be trustful?

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru