How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.

By Lawrence Durrell

When I was growing up my mother always told me, “Do not be jealous of others. Do not wish for what others have. Do not fight to possess and control someone, because in the end you will be alone as nothing belongings to us but is merely an experience.”  She was a wise Buddhist that attempted to sooth a young adolescents’ tantrums of wants that weren’t fulfilled.

It is true today, that I rarely feel jealous or envy, which I account for my upbringing and the love I was given as a child. Therefore, in the spirit of my mom I would like to pass on a footnote of knowledge hopefully, lightening up the weight of those emotions that have a hunger for our soul: jealous, anger and envy.

I have often heard in therapy and in my own life people projecting this emotion as a trigger of someone else’s behavior, “She makes me Jealous. It’s her fault she makes me this way.” Basically, when it comes to jealous we very quickly pass the buck onto our partners as the creator of this unwelcome feeling. Unfortunately, they are often not to blame as no person is able to create feelings and emotions within us. Only I have the power to create and control what is within me.

Now I know, some of you are thinking “cut the crap with this Zen shit it’s definitely not me, it really is her.” Well, sure they  are cases where partners work very hard to make you jealous, but I would bet money that they are very jealous people themselves and that you are both in heated water suffering from the same illness just different symptoms. The illness is one you probably know as Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity.

When we have negative beliefs about ourselves we are off balance, and feel very much powerless to the world. We will even try regaining this power by bargaining with our partners by saying things like: “If you wouldn’t … then I wouldn’t react this way.” However this has very little success in the real world often neither you achieve your goal because this is not a balance within yourself and simply a quick exchange of false power.

So, in order to eliminate jealous we must only look within ourselves and start the change there, addressing our beliefs that create the emotions. Your relationship will change once you eliminate jealous, and even anger and envy will subside.

Here is how to begin the process:

• Build your inner power, so that you see that you have control over your emotions and don’t become a bulldozer that is reactive.
• Look at the whole picture. What are you jealous of? What is the underlying emotion. Focus: is it perhaps fear, abandonment, unworthiness that your experiencing? Delay you reaction by understanding where it is coming from?
• What are you inner core beliefs about yourself and the world? Identify you triggers? Example: I get jealous of my girlfriend, because I fear abandonment and that she may leave me for someone better.
• Just because you feel and believe something does not make it a fact. Learn to separate and question yourself.
• Be the creator of your inner world. You have the ability to create the images you project into your mind and the emotions you choose to experience.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

Nothing causes me more anguish and terror then having the lesbian ex-girlfriend discussion. It would be wonderful if we could just enter relationships where there is no past, like some sci-fi movie where your memory is erased and there is no baggage that is brought forward.

There is something especially disturbing about lesbians and their past relationships, we tend to have difficulty letting go or moving forward. Often, we repeat past mistakes and question what we have and whether it is better than the last experience. Filled with doubt and distrust we compare, self-sabotage, and become ever more jaded.

There are two conundrums when dealing with ex girlfriends, firstly your dealing with all of your past whether your ex-girlfriends are still in your life or the pain they have left behind. Secondly her past and present women, I don’t know about anyone else, but I often feel like I am being punished for her past ghosts.

We all want to be able to keep what is ours regardless of the risk and ask of our new loves to give up all their past “ALL OF IT.” I am just as guilty, I have to say it is not easy for anyone to date me as I have had really amazing beautiful women in my life and although it did not workout romantically many remain dear friends that I love and cherish. I know many have suffered knowing this even if I worked the battlefield of balancing what I needed and how to be accommodating without losing myself.

Recently I came to realization, one that I have known for a long time but only now accepted- you cannot please everyone. You will not make everyone happy, it is an impossible task. It is not where happiness lies, balance is found within oneself of what we need and want. In my past I was so frightened of hurting others that I kept my relationship secret and the women that loved me let me. I know this most likely made them feel unwanted and less than, but I thought that the love I felt and showed would be enough and I could still keep everyone else happy- but no one wants to be a secret!

As I enter a new relationship I am finding myself questioning my ways and closing doors I have left open for far too long.  I look at her and I want her to feel everything I see in her and also know that she is not my little secret that I am proud and in wonder of her. I cannot make everyone happy and it’s honestly exhausting and if ex-girlfriends’ and friends cannot be happy for the steps we take forward are they really individuals we need in a support circle.

I have also decided that I cannot be punished and worried about her ghosts. I know I am not those women, that I am me and that everyday I work on who I am and my intentions in this world. A commitment-phob by nature I would use this as an excuse to run, the ex history. I would tell them that I just could not get over their past, nor did I want to be confronted by it, which also gave me permission not to make myself fully vulnerable and do whatever I wanted.

When you love someone, there is a no guarantee. All you have is what comes in the package and if everything is to workout there needs to be an acceptance of all that has come before you, because after all that is part of whom she is.

In the end there is no diplomatic way of taking care of ex-girlfriends and unfortunately it will require letting go a selfish needs and looking at changing core beliefs. I am no stranger to this process and still in the early learning phases. When we choose to stay friends we ex-girlfriends’ we leave very little room for anyone new coming in, and perhaps unconsciously not sure how we feel about are current partner. As painful as it is space is needed to heal wounds and make room for new beginnings. How can we look forward if our vision is stuck on the rearview mirror? We will keep crashing and burning in our past.

I do believe that there are some ex-girlfriend relationships that can be healthy, but that comes with time and space in our togetherness. There are also relationships that when they come to an end that’s where they should stay and be put to rest, especially if they were abusive or not healthy to begin with.

 Here are so tips to deal with the EX factor: 

1. Don’t compare your new love with the past ones. It really is not fair and doesn’t allow for a good start. Everyone is different and really if you want to know why you attract certain individuals look at yourself and your parents. You won’t find the answer in your partner, but in your own past and understanding of relationships and modeling.
2. Don’t find yourself in compromising situations. If there are ex’s that you know are dangerous for you stay away. We all have that person that when we are close all the walls come down and we begin to make excuse to get closer and forget the most basic of relationship breakers. Know your weakness and then adjust for them and keeping your new relationship intact.
3. Friends are individuals we can call on for support, without inappropriate issues arising. We need to be able to confide in friends, and ex girlfriends are often not able to be friends as the agendas are very different then that of a friend. So basically “Don’t shit where you eat.”
4. You cannot fully invest and be present if your energy is going into past relationships and attempting a friendship with them.
5. Talk to your ex, be frank that you’re in a new relationship and need space. Stop pussy footing around waiting for the right time and show respect not only for your needs, but all involved even if it means a little pain. Pain is not a bad thing; it’s just a signal of change and adjustment. You can say “You’re an amazing person, but I have entered a new relationship and am very happy. I want to give it a fair chance so I am going to say good-bye, but I wish you all the best.” Keep it short, to the point, and sweet.
6. De-friend them on Facebook. Take away temptation and so you’re not all in their business and they are not in yours. It sucks but its part of letting go. Don’t worry you’ll both make new friends soon enough.
7. Remove their number from your phone. This is one of the first things I do, because I am impulsive and I always want a happy ending, but that’s unrealistic so like a good addiction specialist that I am, I remove all triggers for relationship relapse!
8. Grief the loss. You lost someone you loved and a friend. It’s okay to grieve and be sad. A part of you has left with them and now you have to say good-bye.
9. Stop mentioning the ex. Its part of history and you are living in the present.
10. Focus on yourself and what you have learnt. If we go through all this we might as well learn something from it and be better for it-not more jaded, right?

New relationships are hard; they require a lot of work at first after all your two strangers drawn together and for all the reasons in the universe. Nothing is forever gone and if you want a friendship later on with an ex, leave that in a box to deal with later, but for a while in the beginning focus on your new love and the power that brought you together.

 ~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

First of all, before we begin let’s get something straight about my favorite pass time. This article is going to be graphic and straight to the point, so if you have any problems with learning the vagina in the most intimate of ways… stop… reading… now.

Every gay woman knows, the vagina is a complicate instrument that is attached to our brains and unlike our male counterparts, who merely have to graze it against a tree and they get a hard on.  Well for us ladies it takes a little bit of warming up; it’s all about teasing, and taking it slowly. All vaginas differ in shape, taste, smell, and feeling.  Every woman needs to be learnt and understood as an individual; being aware that the same trick may not work on all women.

When doing cunnilingus, you don’t only use your mouth and tongue, but your ears to listen to her and your hands to feel her.  Stay in tune with your lover, don’t just focus on making her cum it should be fun and you should enjoy being there watching her while you play with her body and excite her. It’s not a race and you don’t get a price for how fast you make her climax, but rest assured you will get one for how hard. 

You want to start by kissing her entire body and slowly moving south, maybe even gently breathing on top of her vagina to feel your hot breath but never touch her. Don’t go straight for her love button aka “clitoris,” it can be painful and without a proper welcoming party she might not be interested to play. 

It’s good to spend time around her thighs licking and kissing her sensitive skin, just gently brushing your lips (mouth) against hers (vagina).  You want to keep her surprised and be adventurous, touch her with your fingers never penetrating just rubbing softly then quickly. You should always keep your eye on how she’s reacting, and listening to every moan and word she says.

Then when you see the colors of her body change to darker reds and she is throbbing in excitement you can start playing with her clitoris. You can use your lips to suck on her clitoris, and your tongue to penetrate her, reaching in and licking inside.  Always listening to what she likes and keep going.

Remember a climax is a build up so you don’t want to go hot and cold on her; otherwise, she will lose and move back down to base camp (she will not be happy about this!) so keep going watching her and making sure your on target. Here is a clue, if she‘s telling you that she likes it then that means don’t stop!

Also, while you’re down there don’t forget there are other parts to her body that need attention. Now is a really good time for breast play or if you’re a little more in adventurous mood there is always anal (stick your pinky in her anus while you go down on her.) There also your fingers that can go inside her and then you can feel her contraction and how close she is to cuming. There is your nose that you can rub up against her vagina, what some might call “a down under Eskimo kiss.”

Whatever you decide to do it’s meant to be fun not a chore, so talk to each other before. Be honest about what you like and want. Remember, no one is a mind reader and it’s a lot more enjoyable when both of you are confident because you both have given each other permission to discover your bodies.

So here’s recap:

1. Tease, tease, tease. Play with her body before you go for the direct stimulation.
2. Lick, kiss and nibble her stomach, thighs, and outer labia.
3. Use your entire face to play with her vagina, your nose, lips, teeth, chin, tongue and you can even use longer hair to tickle her gently.
4. Circle around her clitoris and vagina using different pressures and speeds.
5. Penetrate her vagina with your tongue.
6. Breathe and blow warm air above her vagina but never directly inside especially if she is pregnant (a cause of air embolism).
7. Flick you tongue quickly over her clitoris.
8. Make your tongue big and flat and rub it all over her vagina.
9. Nibble and bite, but only if she’s given you an okay otherwise you might get a smack on the head.
10. Touch her while you go down on her, use breast play or penetrate her with your finger either vaginally or anally, matching the rhythm of your tongue.
11.  Always listen to your partner. Watch her, and how she moves.
12. Have fun and don’t forget the only way you know if you’re doing it right is to ask (but not a hundred time just enough that she is screaming yes!)

Oral sex for woman is closely link to body image and self-confidence so talk to each other, share your likes, desires and fears. Always use protection like dental dams and be cautious when your partner is menstruating.  Please read the article on “Lesbian Safe Sex” or watch the YouTube Video Lesbian Sex… Safer! 

For more information check out theses books:

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman

Urge by Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey

The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks by Jen Sincero (surprisingly fascinating!)

Now my Darling, go be little vagina explorers and have fun… safe fun!

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru