How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Recently I was enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book “Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.”  It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are far more likely than any gay or heterosexual relationship to go for years without sex. I did not stay happy nor for that matter very relaxed. I was unaware that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a while with their partner they could mean years!

This is such a sad fact. Now I will be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just could not imagine being with someone I love and not feeling their naked skin pressed up against mine, smelling her as we feel each others warmth.

Now of course there are some exceptions, were sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic is not including individuals struggling with physical or emotional issues, its two healthy individuals who have stop having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that encourages passion and attraction stabilize, it’s common to find differences in desire level and needs, high-desire vs. low-desire individuals.

I have been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what wrong with wanting sex five times a week… minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me out or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I am also a firm believer in compromise and other forms of intimacy.

A healthy relationship starts with good communication, and giving attention to all departments of a relationship, equally.  If you think sex is not important you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier.  Some of us long for a companionship that does not rely on sexual intimacy. At the end, I do not think there is a wrong or right way to be with someone, if there is open safe communication, trust,  and both partners are pursuing a happy healthy relationship.

However, if you and your partner find yourselves on polar opposites of the desire scale, here are some helpful hints:

1. Communicate clearly who you are and what you want (e.g. how much sex you want or how often.)
2. Be aware of each others feelings and talk openly about how you feel. Usually and naturally a partner who is high-desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy whereas a low-desire individual could feel resentful of the demands being made, inadequate, and guilty for holding back sex.
3. Do not lose yourself. While you are negotiating with you partner about the needs and wants, hold on to whom you are and your integrity.
4. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings, and learn to stay calm and sooth yourself.
5. Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a lifelong process, and allows the development of whom we are and our relation to others.
6. Learning and communicating effectively who you are and your needs could be the key in rekindling desire and passion.
7. No one in a relationship gets their way all the time.
8. Sexual desire does not have to be something you wait for to build in order to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
9. Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (e.g. masturbating); have getaways, bath and shower together, have sex in different places, break the routine, give each other massages, remind each other how special you are, have date nights, spend some time apart (so you can miss each other), have make-out sessions, be romantic (buy flowers), write poems or letters to one another, meet somewhere and pretend like you are strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies, and take risks together.
10. Be an active participant in your relationship, mind that you do not become just part of the scenery.

Relationship evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner you will have to reevaluate ever so often those decisions and change what is not working. The art of love is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of yourselves and others.

There was a time I would have said that this is all too much work, and really I am all about the passion stage, having as much sex as I can handle, and that I am better off on my own. However, I am slowly learning that intimacy comes in many shapes and that with negotiation, endurance and hardship that the passion can be even more exciting after having crossed life’s obstacles with someone I love- and it’s only the beginning.

~The Lesbian Guru

Recommended reading:

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships by Merilee Clunis and Dorsey Green

Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples by Glenda Corwin

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us by Felice Newman

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

Therapist: “What brings you in today?”

Love Sick Lesbian (LSL): “I can’t take it anymore…I love her so much but she plays with my heart…”

Therapist: “Tell me more about this Love.”

LSL: “It has been going on for years and I don’t know how to get over it… I don’t know if this is love or an obsession… or am I just crazy?”

Therapist : “Maybe it’s all of the above… mixed in with a little Infatuation.”

LSL: “Help me. Can you please help me get over her?”

Funny? It is not meant to be. Everyday I get at least one email from a woman sharing this exact thought process. She is telling me in great detail about a woman sometimes even more than one she cannot let go of and has been holding on for months if not years. It’s unimaginable the time and energy we put into our “unforgettable” loves. UNIMAGINABLE, not only in feelings and emotions but sometimes sacrificing other relationships with others and financial goals.

You could possibly define it as going crazy on some narcotic, and you would not be too far from the truth. Yet, just like a drug we will allow it to consume us until we have reached the very limits of space… until without a doubt we can truly believe there is no hope with that woman. Sometimes that road is endless as glimmers of hope are always within reach, so how do we get over this infatuating toxic relationship?

Infatuation is very different to love and presents itself as feelings that could not possibly be confused with a committed and loving love. When we are infatuated we a filled with feelings ofuncertainty and panic, lust is at full throttle, and excitement overwhelms us, we are impatient and easily ignited into jealousy.

When we are infatuated we are almost in a sense overdosed with love and are having a sever reaction. None of us can say we are happy while in that zone as we are filled with feelings of doubt and mistrust for our “toxic love.” We can become so consumed that misery takes over and interferes in other areas of life: work, family, and friends. Often we are overpowered by sexual urges and needs that scream to be fulfilled.

Why do we go crazy? Because when you meet a woman you are attracted too you have a surge of energy that occurs in your brain stimulating the parts that are responsible for feelings of euphoria and forming attachment. However, as nice as this may sound, just like an addict we become tolerant of this energy and start chasing the new high! Some of us jump from one relationship to another. Others create drama (Lesbian Drama Mamas) and self-sabotage to build new highs (Psychodykos), or move on hurt and less trusting than before (Les Runners), only to fall in a similar hole later. See any words you can identify with?

How can we avoid this vicious circle of toxic love? Simple, you have to ride the river towards romantic love. In other words, you have to change the way you express it. We are so eager we get caught up in a moment that last months or years. We forget about experiencing the feeling and allowing them to move through us. Instead we hold on and end up suffocating on our feelings and become disillusioned with romance and relationships.

Love Sick Diet

1. Take time to know someone and trust them.
2. Enjoy the moment for what it is “A Moment in Time vs I Want this FOREVER.”
3. Always have a supportive environment and use them when in doubt or hurting.
4. Look at yourself. Examine your template of love.
5. Talk to a counselor about co-dependency issues and difficulty with letting go.
6. Most importantly know your worth and believe that it is worth sharing with the right person at the right time and that your “Infatuation” may just not be it (and that’s perfectly okay.)
    

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

 
Walking down the hallway back to the Vice Principal’s office, again, for another detention I wonder will life ever be any different. Sitting staring at his lips wondering what he and his wife will do on the weekend (wanting to be anywhere else but here), he is delighted to give me another lecture on how thin I am and whether I will eat a candy bar with him. He fears that I have an eating disorder and is trying to trick me into getting fat.

Sitting in my office fifteen years later I feel relief those days are behind me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to high school or be a teenager.  As far as Mr. Jones, well, he was right I had a sever eating disorder and I was not about to give in to anyone and eat that candy bar. After all it was the only thing I felt I had control over.

Most days I felt that I lived outside my body and was so very much alone, and it seemed that my father was the only person that could see through me.  He would say, “You are different Alex and this world doesn’t like those that are unlike them. Try not to be so different because I don’t want you to suffer for it. I want you to have a good life.”

I would lay in bed crying most nights hating the body I was in and the thoughts that raced through my head. I could not figure out what was different about me, except that every piece of me felt alien. I guess that is what being a teenager is all about.

It was around that time I knew I like girls but was too immature and honestly too tired from malnutrition to care.  However, it didn’t stop the fantasizing that went on in my head. I remember listen to my Boyz 2 Men album (I know, I am old as dirt!), imagining slow dancing with a woman and kissing her.  It was that feeling that put me at ease, the only images that would relax me. I can’t believe that now at thirty I am actually living my fantasy that my dream came true and I have my very own perfect love waiting for me at home.

It was not an easy journey. Coming out has been a difficult struggle and continues to be today, especially living in a southern state in the US.    In today’s society our LGBT youth have so much to overcome.  Risks include gender conformity, lack of support, school dropout, family problems, victimization, homelessness, substance use, eating disorders, religious intolerance, negative sexual experiences, and suicide attempts (two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts).

As recent news over the last couple of years has highlighted, LGBT youth are often bullied at school and unable to receive adequate education. They are shamed and targeted for abuse.  They are more likely to skip school out of fear, threats and vandalism directed towards them. Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students. Four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.

So here are some things to consider and help you became self-empowered?

• Know that being Gay or Lesbian is not a pathological condition (i.e. it is not a mental disease or disability)
• The origin of sexual orientation is not completely known.
• Gay and Lesbian individuals lead fulfilling and satisfying lives.
• They are many ways you can choose to live an LGBTQ life.
• Unless you have seek counseling to “change” your sexual orientation, a therapist should never coerce you into doing so (it’s unethical and you should report them to the board of licensing.)

If you are a teen and living in a home where there is homophobia, here are some more steps you should take and ask yourself:

• Is it safe to come out to your parents? SAFETY first, even as tempting as it may be if you think it may place you in danger hold off.
• Will coming out jeopardize your home situation?
• Are you safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you come out to your parents?
• Do you have other available resources, such as money and emotional help if coming out changes your home situation?
• Try and educate your parents on LGBT matters, often discrimination is triggered but ignorance and not understanding the unknown.
• Get support and find people you can talk too that are safe.  Being gay can be a lonely journey, but with the right company can make you stronger and wiser.

The ultimate goal of growing up and developing is finding humanity and breaking down the difference that separate us and isolate others to create a unity and a sense of oneness.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

If you ever feel alone or unsure please reach out for help and here are some agencies that could help you:

• Advocates for Youth, http://www.advocatesforyouth.org
• City at Peace, Inc., http://www.cityatpeacedc.org
• COLAGE: Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, http://www.colage.org
• Gay-Straight Alliance Network, http://www.gsanetwork.org
• Hetrick-Martin Institute for Lesbian and Gay Youth, http://www.hmi.org
• Matthew Shepard Foundation, http://www.MatthewShepard.org
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition (NYAC), http://www.nyacyouth.org
• Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League (SMYAL), http://www.smyal.org
• Student Pride USA, http://www.studentprideUSA.org
• The Point Foundation: The National LGBT Scholarship Fund, http://www.the point foundation.org

Other Resources

• National Association of School Psychologists
  Phone Number: (301) 657-0270
• American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
  Phone Number: (202) 966-7300
  Email Address: clinical@aacap.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics
  Phone Number: (847) 434-4000
• American Psychological Association
  Telephone Number: (202) 336-5500
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 374-2721
  TDD/TTY Number: (202) 336-6123
• American School Counselor Association
  Phone Number: (703) 683-ASCA
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 306-4722
• Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists
  Phone Number: (215) 222-2800
• The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network
  Phone Number: (212) 727-0135
  Email Address: glsen@glsen.org
• Human Rights Campaign
  Phone Number: (202) 628-4160
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 777-4723
  TTY: (202) 216-1572
  Email Address: hrc@hrc.org
• Human Rights Watch
  Phone Number: (212) 290-4700
  Email Address: hrwnyc@hrw.org
• National Education Association
  Phone Number: (202) 833-4000
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition
  Phone Number: (202) 319-7596
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 541-6922
  TTY: (202) 319-9513
  Email Address: nyac@nyacyouth.org
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
  Phone Number: (202) 467-8180
  Email Address: info@pflag.org

Here are some books that are great for LGBTQ youth (check out the Lesbian Literature Page on this site for more book ideas):

• Bait by Alex Sanchez, Simon & Schuster
• My Invented Life by Lauren Bjorkman, Henry Holt
• Down to the Bone by Mayra Lazara Dole, HarperTeen
• Hit the Road, Manny: A Manny Files Novel by Christian Burch, Simon and Schuster (sequel to The Manny Files)
• How They Met & Other Stories by David Levithan, Knopf
  18 stories, all about love, and about all kinds of love.
• Love & Lies: Marisol’s Story by Ellen Wittlinger, Simon and Schuster
• Mousetraps, Pat Schmetz, Carolrhoda Books
• Out of the Pocket by Bill Konigsberg
• What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson, Random House
• Nothing Pink by Mark Hardy, (Front Street Books).