A few months ago I received an email from a woman who was upset, over a conversation that happened with a few of her friends. One of her acquaintance’s thought that a woman could not call herself a lesbian if she had not being sexually active with another woman. True, that the primary use for the word lesbian is to describe a woman sexually attracted to another woman; however, there is no indication in that same definition that you must have been sexually active with another woman to be identified as a lesbian.
I would hope that being a lesbian is more than just enjoying and taking pleasure from being sexual with a woman. The majority, often identify us in the narrowest sense of the word. However, lesbianism is not only a sexual orientation, but also a complex system supported by psychological responses, cultural values, societal expectations, and a woman’s own formulation of identity. It is this narrow and limited understanding that prevents lesbians from getting respect and consideration from the societies we belong too.
When I first come out, I was completely taken by the sexual experience and intimacy of being with another woman. I had never had sex with a woman, but had relentlessly imagined it in my mind (where I am pretty sure I wore some parts of my brain out). It was only after a few years, and my first real heartbreak that I began to learn the lesbian culture. I was exposed to music and literature, specifically written and sang in a way that meant something to me and my identity. I did not have to remove the “hims” and “his’” to make it familiar. I also enjoyed lesbian cinema, where I could visibly dissect the different aspects of a lesbian relationship- they were sadly my only role models.
It was also around that time I made friends in the lesbian community, women who I shared stories with. I enjoy all of my friendships, but my lesbian friends have a special hold on me (and not because I slept with them, because I do not sleep with my friends); because they understand the passion and craziness of loving a woman. I discovered the familiar heartaches we experience, and that there is an intricate depth among lesbian women. Unfortunately, I was also exposed to how vulnerable and alone we are. The little support there is in our society to protect us, for example, for years I was afraid of getting divorce and having my child taken away from me.
Being a lesbian became more than just who I slept with, because even as a single celibate woman I was still a lesbian. My new identity challenged me to become stronger when faced with hurdles (discrimination and homophobia), but also pushed me to embrace the beautiful and unique differences. I learned the meaning of community and the reason that standing together is more powerful than standing alone. I have had the privilege of being part of a historic time in our community, and fighting for civil rights. None of which have to do with sex, but more so what I represent.
We have enough labels (e.g. baby dyke, butch, femme), let us not discriminate any further, or with judgement force each other into social/sexual boxes. We all have our own journey in life, and for some that means living openly gay; whereas for others the choice is to live a celibate or heterosexual life- knowingly that their spirit will always be Lesbian.
Walking down the hallway back to the Vice Principal’s office, again, for another detention I wonder will life ever be any different. Sitting staring at his lips wondering what he and his wife will do on the weekend (wanting to be anywhere else but here), he is delighted to give me another lecture on how thin I am and whether I will eat a candy bar with him. He fears that I have an eating disorder and is trying to trick me into getting fat.
Sitting in my office fifteen years later I feel relief those days are behind me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to high school or be a teenager. As far as Mr. Jones, well, he was right I had a sever eating disorder and I was not about to give in to anyone and eat that candy bar. After all it was the only thing I felt I had control over.
Most days I felt that I lived outside my body and was so very much alone, and it seemed that my father was the only person that could see through me. He would say, “You are different Alex and this world doesn’t like those that are unlike them. Try not to be so different because I don’t want you to suffer for it. I want you to have a good life.”
I would lay in bed crying most nights hating the body I was in and the thoughts that raced through my head. I could not figure out what was different about me, except that every piece of me felt alien. I guess that is what being a teenager is all about.
It was around that time I knew I like girls but was too immature and honestly too tired from malnutrition to care. However, it didn’t stop the fantasizing that went on in my head. I remember listen to my Boyz 2 Men album (I know, I am old as dirt!), imagining slow dancing with a woman and kissing her. It was that feeling that put me at ease, the only images that would relax me. I can’t believe that now at thirty I am actually living my fantasy that my dream came true and I have my very own perfect love waiting for me at home.
It was not an easy journey. Coming out has been a difficult struggle and continues to be today, especially living in a southern state in the US. In today’s society our LGBT youth have so much to overcome. Risks include gender conformity, lack of support, school dropout, family problems, victimization, homelessness, substance use, eating disorders, religious intolerance, negative sexual experiences, and suicide attempts (two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts).
As recent news over the last couple of years has highlighted, LGBT youth are often bullied at school and unable to receive adequate education. They are shamed and targeted for abuse. They are more likely to skip school out of fear, threats and vandalism directed towards them. Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students. Four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.
So here are some things to consider and help you became self-empowered?
Know that being Gay or Lesbian is not a pathological condition (i.e. it is not a mental disease or disability)
The origin of sexual orientation is not completely known.
Gay and Lesbian individuals lead fulfilling and satisfying lives.
They are many ways you can choose to live an LGBTQ life.
Unless you have seek counseling to “change” your sexual orientation, a therapist should never coerce you into doing so (it’s unethical and you should report them to the board of licensing.)
If you are a teen and living in a home where there is homophobia, here are some more steps you should take and ask yourself:
Is it safe to come out to your parents? SAFETY first, even as tempting as it may be if you think it may place you in danger hold off.
Will coming out jeopardize your home situation?
Are you safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you come out to your parents?
Do you have other available resources, such as money and emotional help if coming out changes your home situation?
Try and educate your parents on LGBT matters, often discrimination is triggered but ignorance and not understanding the unknown.
Get support and find people you can talk too that are safe. Being gay can be a lonely journey, but with the right company can make you stronger and wiser.
The ultimate goal of growing up and developing is finding humanity and breaking down the difference that separate us and isolate others to create a unity and a sense of oneness.
I remember waking many a nights to my nanny’s (in South Africa it was custom to have a live in maid) screams, her room opposite mine was separated by a small yard. I witness in the darkness her husband beating her with sticks as thick as a baseball bat. She would be crying, bleeding and bruised, while police officers escort him out. My mother and father gently holding her, cleaning her face and would take her back to her bed where a week later he would be sleeping next to her again. The cycle continuously going, yes I was taught young what a good beating looked like, it was stained in my minds eye like her blood on our cement ground.
Abuse is a pattern of behavior that uses coercion, dominance or isolates the other partner. It is a form of power that is enforced by one person over the other to gain control within the relationship. There are many kinds of abuse, unfortunately the most often common ones used go unnoticed as they do not leave physical evidence behind.
Theses are:
Physical Abuse – hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
Isolation: Restricting Freedom – controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
Psychological & Emotional Abuse – constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them
Stalking / Harassing Behavior – following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
Threats & Intimidation – threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
Economic Abuse – controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
Sexual Abuse/Harassment – forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance
Property Destruction – destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows, throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions.
There are also unfortunately many myths about Lesbian Relationships, such as “Women are not abusive – only men are,” “Lesbians are always equal in relationships. It is not abuse, it is a relationship struggle,” “Abusive lesbians are more “butch,” larger, apolitical or have social lives that revolve around the bar culture,” “Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse,” “Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men and are therefore not as responsible for what they do,” and “It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner.”
Myths are a terrible thing as they isolate individuals and keep us from reality, in abuse specifically that no one is immune from the cycle of abuse, just because we are women that does not mean there is equality. Abuse does not have boundaries and can occur despite of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation, lifestyle, or physical attributes. We attempt to always justify the actions of those we love, but in the end there is no excuse for abuse, no matter what the triggers were. Once a partner takes responsibility for the abuse the cycle will change, however that is not always a possibility and the most isolating fact is that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy.
In addition, it is unfortunate, but there are also many differences that separate us from abuse in the straight world that isolates us further and increases our danger. For example, there is very limited amount of services that exist specifically for abused and abusive lesbians. Lesbians often have little knowledge of the abuse cycle or even how to report incidences of violence to a therapist, police officer or medical personnel or we are met with insensitive staff at shelter or help lines.
Our culture and society still very much homophobic denies that lesbians exist or are even capable of having relationships, let alone acknowledging abusive ones. Society’s attitude toward homosexuality is such that often it ranges from “that’s not my problem” to “those people are not stable or unhealthy.” We may also be fearful of breaking up with our partner as it confirms our sexual orientation; and that others may not believe the abuse or we could lose friends and support within the lesbian community.
If you are being abuse, there are things that you can do:
Acknowledge that you are not responsible for others action, therefore you can not be responsible for the abuse.
Violence will not stop by itself. I am sorry to say this but, the violent phases will become more frequent and more sever. You do not have the power to change people, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are it has nothing to do with you.
Speak! Tell someone please. Someone you trust and that will believe you.
Get help. Go Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive.
You are the only one that has power over you. You can choose and decide what you want from a relationship. You can decide if it is a relationship you want to stay in or leave but, please develop a safety plan first. This should include: a safe place to stay; emergency phone numbers; some money; your own bank account; post office box; and bag of essentials.
We often hear stories of people in bad situation, and we assume that it will never happen to us or someone we love but life has a way of pushing us out of our pink clouds and see the reality of life and the lessons that need to be learnt. I have counseled may victim of domestic violence as well as those who have been the abusers, and from my heart there is only one emotion that I have seen that keeps individuals in dangerous and unfufilling cycles- Shame.
Shame, fear, pride, and anger are the main emotions and feelings we see in abuse. recognize them in yourself so you can move forward and see the clearing of where you need to go.
If you feel your life is in the cycle of domestic violence only you can make the call and get help. This may not be what you expected or the life you planned to live. Call the National Domestic Violence Hot line 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help and information. You might also consider visiting this website The Safety Zone where you can have help and learn how to insure your abuser is not aware of your internet activities and search for help.
Chesley, Laurie C et al. (1994). Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: A Handbook of Information and Resources. Republished as a chapter in “Lesbian Health Guide,” edited by Regan McClure and Annie Vespry. Toronto: Queer Press.
Pharr, S. (1988). Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism. Little Rock: Chardon Press.
Lobel, K. (1986). Naming the Violence. Seattle: Seal Press.
Everyday I get an email from a reader struggling with coming out or even questioning their sexuality. Confused and lost searching for answers. It upsets me to know how many of us feel alone and with more barriers and walls in front of us in discovering who we are then is needed.
Coming out is stressful issue in an LGBT’s life and that can cause us to make poor decisions. Finding your sexual identity is crucial in being a healthy person, understanding the process even more so. Dealing with that stress may be to go through the transformational process and find ways to stay healthy. I am going to briefly describe the stage of finding ones identity, so as to provide a guide. Now you may not experience these in order and do not compare the stage as one is no better than the other. Just because you find yourself in stage 3 and not 5 does not mean you are any less mature or “underdeveloped.”
1. Identity Confusion: In this stage you may experience denial or confusion regarding your feelings of attraction and sense of self. Using alcohol, drugs and other substances (AODs) to manage the fears of being homosexual may occur at this stage. Also individuals in crisis in this stage may use AODs to numb their sexual feeling for the same sex.
2. Identity Comparison: In emotional pain and still confused, contemplation occurs at this stage for the same sex attraction. You may feel vulnerable and exposed and use AODs to help with the anxiety.
3. Identity Tolerance: There is some settling on the idea that one is gay in this stage “I could be a lesbian?” Questioning and slowly knowing this could lead to feelings of isolation. This is a stage where you may seek out other LGBTs and want to explore the LGBT culture and community. If growth continues in this stage ones self-image may change to “I am a lesbian.” For some of us we may first identify as bisexual before admitting we are gay, simply as it is more socially acceptable, and that is okay.
4. Identity Acceptance: Creating experiences and connecting further with LGBTs to normalize the new self. However this can lead to more AOD use and even abuse in order to socialize and meet potential partners as there is a fragile sense of self and our LGBT status is still shaping and vulnerable. Also this may be a time where disclosure is made to another of one’s homosexuality, which could lead to anger and abandonment therefore more AOD use!
5. Identity Pride: During this stage there is an acceptance of how we feel about our sexuality and the rejection of society. Anger may be felt here towards the straight world and you may reject the dominant heterosexual world. Many will become active in the LGBT community and form alliances with others who share their view and fight for equality.
6. Identity Synthesis: There is an integration here of the homo and hetero world. Anger and the rejection of society lessen and we become less fueled by anger. Our homosexuality has become incorporated with other parts of who we are. If you have been drinking and drugging heavily through the coming out process it may be difficult to get to this point, and many problems may have developed by now in our life due to the choice of coping with AODs.
The less positive your self-identity, the harder it will be to build self-esteem and intimacy with others. Finding the right fit with your sexuality will allow room for growth and self-worth. When you have negative sense of self which could be an identity disorder you are more likely to seek out relationships with partners that reinforce your sense of worthlessness.
All the identity confusion, drinking, drugging and any other forms of abuse could lead to three kinds of isolation. The first one being cognitive isolation, where there is a lack of information about the LGBT community, how same-sex couples function, how long they stay together, how they determine gender roles, and how they solve relationship issues.
The second is social isolation. Here there is a lack of contact with positive role models which in turn reinforces negative beliefs that our society places on LGBTs. Unfortunately there are not many LGBT role models to grow from as many of us with extreme potential and knowledge live closeted or are indifferent on giving back to the community at large.
Emotional isolation is the last one, poor social support and few resources lead to unhealthy behavior and poor self-esteem which creates a dysfunctional, stressful living conditions and a lonely community. That is why it is so important and pressing that we encourage coming out, building stronger connections to each other, and building a healthier community with abundant resources and role models to help our future and our future families.
Coming out should be a celebration of your true identity being unveiled and released into the world, and it’s difficult without the right individuals leading the way and supporting the process. I wish there were a more beautiful and transformational term to refer to the process of developing and sharing your sexual orientation. I believe if it were a more affirmative term it would create a more positive and hopeful experience. Words have a powerful and energetic effect on people when said, thought, and expressed.
I rarely leave my comfort zone but unfortunately with my graduate degree and work schedule, I am pushed often to make contact with the world. Truth be told, social gathering and networking are the most anxiety provoking experiences I have to endure and I hate making conversation.
Usually it has nothing to do with the people or the fact that I am a gay woman, it is due in most part to the fact that I feel either invisible or like a fraud.
Straight women will have difficulty understanding this concept and there are a lot of gay women that won’t ever feel this but when some of us venture out we look indistinguishable to our own and it can be very lonely.
This week I have been away in Santa Barbara for my PhD Orientation. I was thinking, this will be an amazing opportunity to meet my academic peers and also to meet fellow LGBT following the same career course. I also made the assumption that because I was in California there would be a wealth of my community running around.
That was not the case, and in fact there were some truths I learned that hurt and that felt unfair. First I was reminded that just because I am gay, most often gay women will stay away. I am still trying to figure that out, because it could be my own lack of interpersonal skills that drives them away but I have often found that gay women have straight friends and/or girlfriends whom at some point were ex-girlfriends or friends with benefits where funds have dried out.
This truth for me is really upsetting and also annoys me because I feel pushed aside by my own community due to my sexuality, not to mention the assumption that I would ever want to have sex with you just because your gay. I have basically been discriminated against by the lesbian nation before they have even come to know my nature and decided that I must be a sex hungry girlfriend stealing woman.
I have become so jaded and disappointed that friendships are not formed due those assumptions, and that they are formulated by insecurities and past hurts. Then again I might be just that annoying and boring that they are just turned off by the mere sight of me. I really do not know what else I could attribute to my lack of lesbian friends.
The second truth I learned is that I really do not look gay and that people will never get over that fact and that there will always be shocked faces when I say it. It is so freaking frustrating to have to state that part, of which you are, (and most butch and androgynous women will not have to endure this invisibility cloak) but for me it is a daily battle.
I was even told this week “I would have never guessed,” and although it was said in a polite and playful manner it was still a reminder that there is a part of me that I love and want to share with the world that is hidden.
Now you might think, Alex what’s the big deal and who cares, just be happy with who you are! The truth is that I am very happy with whom I am but I am often unable to fully demonstrate it. Seeming straight often puts you in the predicament of not being taken seriously as a Gay woman because overt discrimination is something we may not face. We get hit on by men who may assume that we are playing hard to get or think that saying we are a lesbian is a turn on, and worst of all it is really freaking hard to get a date with a woman!
Even this week I went to three gay bars and in all three I got hit on by men and not a single woman… in a freaking GAY CLUB! My childhood best friend was laughing so hard I thought she was going to wet herself. Even she agrees that looking straight in a gay world is a disadvantage or that maybe I need a make over.
I just wish for one day I did not feel like I have to come out and say “Hello, I am Lesbian, that wants to be seen for who I am.” I don’t feel like a butch and do not want to have to change my shell to fit a mold, but sometimes, most times, I just want to be seen in my community and not walked past. Maybe it is this craving that drives me to connect with the LGBTQ world and advocate for our needs as often I feel mine are unmet. Okay I know I am being a big cry baby, but I do really want to know how do you feel?
I am an Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com and RainbowPages.ca. I am also fighting my way on the airwaves representing Lesbians on Rainbow Radio. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find each other, learn from one another, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.
I was exposed to music and literature, specifically written and sang in a way that meant something to me and my identity. I did not have to remove the “hims” and “his’” to make it familiar. I also enjoyed lesbian cinema, where I could visibly dissect the different aspects of a lesbian relationship- they were sadly my only role models.
