How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

I asked my five-year old muse the other day, “what should mama write about?” Her response was romantic and simple, “About love and Christmas.” I blame Disney for her fantastic belief in love; which will surely come back to bite me later in life, when she is older, and developed a better perspective of the complexity of love and people (until than I let her dream and embellish).

I know I am a cynic, and honestly I have never really cared about the holidays. In fact, for over a decade this time of year has often upset me. People seem to become instantly caring, and grateful just as they are cleaning up their fake Christmas trees and decorating them.  My belief is that the time of giving and gratitude should be practiced daily, all 365 days of the year. I suppose that is a greater task than just focusing on the thirty something days.

My girlfriend, who becomes a crazy fun loving Mrs. Clause the second Thanksgiving passes, blames my darkness for the festive season on being an orphan.  She is utterly correct, although I would never admit it to her face. I have too much pride at stake.

True, the holidays are horrible for those without family or who have recently encountered a loss of some kind. The holidays can become a constant reminder of happier times, and we are easily triggered into a depression by past losses, unresolved grief, ruminating over the past, contrasting between the images of holiday cheer and the reality of our lives, and a sense of increased loneliness and isolation.

In addition, it is also the most stressful time of the year.  For example, I become overwhelmed by the months being shorter due to public holidays, but the amount of work and due dates staying the same. We also have more thing to do, people to see, money to spend (which someone of us don’t have), more traffic, more crowds, and longer waiting lines.  All the extra demands on our time, financial resources, attention, and energy that is required in the festive season can bring us quickly crashing down.

It’s been my signature move in the past to hibernate, and hide from the world for the next month.  I would lie to everyone I know, telling them I already have plans, and stay indoors where it is safe and sound from the chaos, and monstrous world known as “Christmas Time”.

Unfortunately, my charade has been brutally ended by my loving partner who celebrates this time with full force, and has already designed the front yard to look like the North Pole landed in our neighborhood!

So I had to come up with a plan to keep my sanity, and here it is… my gift to you for Christmas:

1. And this is not a joke. Say the Serenity prayer. Use it like a mantra to get through the roughest of patches “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. It does not matter what you believe in, if you believe in anything outside yourself even in a door knob having a higher power, these three verses will resonate peace in you.
2. Organize your time. Making time for much needed rest. Learn and practice the sentence, “thank you, but I will not be able to do that.”
3. Don’t confront family and friends during this time of year on past resentment and upsets. It will feel similar to learning Chinese while in the middle of an argument. In addition, do not let anyone confront you either. Declare amnesty during this time or learn forgiveness, after all, it is the time of giving even if it is moments of peace.
4. Do not ruminate and compare the past to the present. It is futile and absolutely useless. Remembering the past fondly is very different to never forgetting or reliving it every day. The past is gone, and it is never what we truly remember it to be. It is far easier to fantasize about what we wanted in the past, than to stay focus on making our present the reality we desire. Do the work; get the reward- Stay Present!
5. Give back to your community. Volunteer if possible.
6. Save money by making gifts and doing small services for those you love.  Also stay on budget, every year. I budged my Christmas gifts; it saves me time and money. With my child, especially, it’s about spending more time with her than buying her gifts.
7. Eat right and exercise. We go for walks and window shop. It’s fun and we get some fresh air.
8. Sleep. Don’t party too hard that you burn yourself out. The New Year is coming; you want the past burdens of last year to be behind you, and be well rested for the future.
9. No big changes during this time. Wait just a few more weeks till the chaos has calmed down and your back to your routine to change something. This is a highly emotional time of year that can make us act implusive.
10. Enjoy the time off and laughter. Sometimes the holidays are a great time to self-punish and get into the victim thinking mode. Please stop right there. Everyday is a moment to become anew, to shed our old skin of the past and be free from our resentments and bitterness. You can either choose to punish yourself into misery, and get a little sympathy from others; or you can live and enjoy the world around you NOW.

Good luck my fellow people! I am off to make my two girls at home Christmas dreams come true, filled with love, happiness and Christmas cookies.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru orhttp://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

Gender. Identity. What does it all mean?

They tell me that gender identity is the new hot topic.  I wondered what exactly that meant. I mean after all hasn’t gender always been an issue, wherever it has been the conflict of being a woman, or a man, and now both. Perhaps in the past, gender issues that affect us today were discussed with far more secrecy and ignorance.  Whereas now with the help of technology and science the gender gaps have become smaller making individuals’ happier in their bodies. Or is it even more confused?

L. Weingarten’s ‘Questions’

I know that the LGBT community especially our transgender family are still met with considerable discrimination and hatred, however we do live in a time unlike any other where freedom to be ourselves is growing and awareness of differences is discussed openly. However, with knowledge and freedom comes also a sense of confusion, even more classification is required, and perhaps even more loneliness, “now I have all this knowledge what do I do with it?”

Which brings me to an email I received, a sincere letter that demonstrated the double edge sword that is todays gender identify issue, “I know I can be who I want to be, but how do I know what I am?” For some, it is as easy as making a cup of tea, they wake up and regardless of the body parts they know from within the person they are. Whole heartily they will claim their gender identity and live fully, and of course with bravery.

For others, well the lines are grey and distinctions are lost with feelings of having to choose. Why? Why choose any one identity in particular. What if for some of us our true identity is male and female, in equal amounts? What if you are truly both?

Many will fight to say that sex organs do not make the gender. I am one of those people, I don’t believe having a vagina or a penis is the only aspect of gender. Yes, they help to make a general distinction but I feel we are a little more interesting and complicated than that. One piece does not make the whole! For example, when women have their breasts removed or uterus due to medical reasons does that make them any less of a women?

The Native American’s have a beautiful expression for people like us, “two spirited” because in essence with hold both identities, and will feel one side more that another or be perfectly evenly distributed. However, for those who have no concerns as to their place on the gender identity continuum, I know their are many who it’s a daily battle filled with insecurity and loneliness. Here is some information to hopefully to ease your journey to self-peace.

We can experience identity confusion at any age and it can be affected by our environment.  If you are feeling disgusted by your genitals, isolate, are depressed, anxious, wish to get rid of your genitals, your confused about your self-concept, and are feeling suicidal you need to seek treatment in the form of individual therapy.  There are options today that will allow you the space to grow in the direction you see for yourself and people who will help you.

Sex reassignment through surgery and hormonal therapy is an option, but identity problems may continue after these treatment if one is not whole within.  The main reason is if we are not content with ourselves/soul, we will never feel complete with our body, our shell.

Remember:

• The things that bring you happiness, and that all of us are unique in what brings us happiness and peace. Be at awe with who you are, your individuality and do not compare yourself to others.
• Surround yourself with people that support you and make you happy.
• Don’t wallow in the differences but explore the uniqueness, claim it as your own!
• Take off those lenses that make you see the world in black and white, and become a lover of the color that makes your world.
• Be kind to yourself and spend time exploring your wants and needs, not what is expected and socially “normal.”
• Stay healthy. Take care of your body by eating right, seeing your doctor, and getting help for your mind regularly.
• Most importantly, you deserve to be happy and your body can’t create that nor can anyone else. It is in your mind and the beliefs you have of yourself is which happiness is created.

We are only on earth for a short journey, don’t get stuck in the creases of ignorance. Be the Creator of your own path to who you are.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

 
Walking down the hallway back to the Vice Principal’s office, again, for another detention I wonder will life ever be any different. Sitting staring at his lips wondering what he and his wife will do on the weekend (wanting to be anywhere else but here), he is delighted to give me another lecture on how thin I am and whether I will eat a candy bar with him. He fears that I have an eating disorder and is trying to trick me into getting fat.

Sitting in my office fifteen years later I feel relief those days are behind me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to high school or be a teenager.  As far as Mr. Jones, well, he was right I had a sever eating disorder and I was not about to give in to anyone and eat that candy bar. After all it was the only thing I felt I had control over.

Most days I felt that I lived outside my body and was so very much alone, and it seemed that my father was the only person that could see through me.  He would say, “You are different Alex and this world doesn’t like those that are unlike them. Try not to be so different because I don’t want you to suffer for it. I want you to have a good life.”

I would lay in bed crying most nights hating the body I was in and the thoughts that raced through my head. I could not figure out what was different about me, except that every piece of me felt alien. I guess that is what being a teenager is all about.

It was around that time I knew I like girls but was too immature and honestly too tired from malnutrition to care.  However, it didn’t stop the fantasizing that went on in my head. I remember listen to my Boyz 2 Men album (I know, I am old as dirt!), imagining slow dancing with a woman and kissing her.  It was that feeling that put me at ease, the only images that would relax me. I can’t believe that now at thirty I am actually living my fantasy that my dream came true and I have my very own perfect love waiting for me at home.

It was not an easy journey. Coming out has been a difficult struggle and continues to be today, especially living in a southern state in the US.    In today’s society our LGBT youth have so much to overcome.  Risks include gender conformity, lack of support, school dropout, family problems, victimization, homelessness, substance use, eating disorders, religious intolerance, negative sexual experiences, and suicide attempts (two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts).

As recent news over the last couple of years has highlighted, LGBT youth are often bullied at school and unable to receive adequate education. They are shamed and targeted for abuse.  They are more likely to skip school out of fear, threats and vandalism directed towards them. Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students. Four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.

So here are some things to consider and help you became self-empowered?

• Know that being Gay or Lesbian is not a pathological condition (i.e. it is not a mental disease or disability)
• The origin of sexual orientation is not completely known.
• Gay and Lesbian individuals lead fulfilling and satisfying lives.
• They are many ways you can choose to live an LGBTQ life.
• Unless you have seek counseling to “change” your sexual orientation, a therapist should never coerce you into doing so (it’s unethical and you should report them to the board of licensing.)

If you are a teen and living in a home where there is homophobia, here are some more steps you should take and ask yourself:

• Is it safe to come out to your parents? SAFETY first, even as tempting as it may be if you think it may place you in danger hold off.
• Will coming out jeopardize your home situation?
• Are you safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you come out to your parents?
• Do you have other available resources, such as money and emotional help if coming out changes your home situation?
• Try and educate your parents on LGBT matters, often discrimination is triggered but ignorance and not understanding the unknown.
• Get support and find people you can talk too that are safe.  Being gay can be a lonely journey, but with the right company can make you stronger and wiser.

The ultimate goal of growing up and developing is finding humanity and breaking down the difference that separate us and isolate others to create a unity and a sense of oneness.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

If you ever feel alone or unsure please reach out for help and here are some agencies that could help you:

• Advocates for Youth, http://www.advocatesforyouth.org
• City at Peace, Inc., http://www.cityatpeacedc.org
• COLAGE: Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, http://www.colage.org
• Gay-Straight Alliance Network, http://www.gsanetwork.org
• Hetrick-Martin Institute for Lesbian and Gay Youth, http://www.hmi.org
• Matthew Shepard Foundation, http://www.MatthewShepard.org
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition (NYAC), http://www.nyacyouth.org
• Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League (SMYAL), http://www.smyal.org
• Student Pride USA, http://www.studentprideUSA.org
• The Point Foundation: The National LGBT Scholarship Fund, http://www.the point foundation.org

Other Resources

• National Association of School Psychologists
  Phone Number: (301) 657-0270
• American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
  Phone Number: (202) 966-7300
  Email Address: clinical@aacap.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics
  Phone Number: (847) 434-4000
• American Psychological Association
  Telephone Number: (202) 336-5500
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 374-2721
  TDD/TTY Number: (202) 336-6123
• American School Counselor Association
  Phone Number: (703) 683-ASCA
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 306-4722
• Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists
  Phone Number: (215) 222-2800
• The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network
  Phone Number: (212) 727-0135
  Email Address: glsen@glsen.org
• Human Rights Campaign
  Phone Number: (202) 628-4160
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 777-4723
  TTY: (202) 216-1572
  Email Address: hrc@hrc.org
• Human Rights Watch
  Phone Number: (212) 290-4700
  Email Address: hrwnyc@hrw.org
• National Education Association
  Phone Number: (202) 833-4000
• National Youth Advocacy Coalition
  Phone Number: (202) 319-7596
  Toll-Free Number: (800) 541-6922
  TTY: (202) 319-9513
  Email Address: nyac@nyacyouth.org
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
  Phone Number: (202) 467-8180
  Email Address: info@pflag.org

Here are some books that are great for LGBTQ youth (check out the Lesbian Literature Page on this site for more book ideas):

• Bait by Alex Sanchez, Simon & Schuster
• My Invented Life by Lauren Bjorkman, Henry Holt
• Down to the Bone by Mayra Lazara Dole, HarperTeen
• Hit the Road, Manny: A Manny Files Novel by Christian Burch, Simon and Schuster (sequel to The Manny Files)
• How They Met & Other Stories by David Levithan, Knopf
  18 stories, all about love, and about all kinds of love.
• Love & Lies: Marisol’s Story by Ellen Wittlinger, Simon and Schuster
• Mousetraps, Pat Schmetz, Carolrhoda Books
• Out of the Pocket by Bill Konigsberg
• What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson, Random House
• Nothing Pink by Mark Hardy, (Front Street Books).