How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Growing up I was only warned of two types of abuse. As grateful as I am that my parents took the time to describe these forms of abuse to me, and then proceed to in grain them in my youthful mind; there were many things they left out. Unfortunately, the forms of abuse that are often identified are physical or sexual abuse. And although, there are both forms of abuse, we go on further to stereotype them by stating that physical and sexual abuse happens with men against women. It is this limited view and generalization that leads people to feel alone and unnoticed, and why so many lesbians in abusive relationships remain hidden behind society’s biases and ignorance.

In therapy, I have often had to identify a form of abuse that is difficult to verbalize- Emotional Abuse. One of the most common abuses found between women, especially in lesbian relationhips. For most of us, this type of abuse remains hidden by words and ignored by others. I have had to explain to my clients “it’s the type of pain someone causes that leaves no physical marks and is easily forgiven as there is no evidence of abuse.”

It is easy to forgive emotional abuse, because we can simply explain it away through personality differences, “that’s just how she is or talks… she means nothing by it… she’s never hit me or anything.” However, the pain is memorable, destructive, and should not be explained away- in fact, its power pulls the victim to self-punish and feel guilty for feeling sad, or hurt, or abused, because there are no physical traces left behind.

One of my dear friend’s became very upset with me when I told her she was being emotionally abused. She defensively fought back that her girlfriend was more experienced with a dominant personality. She continued to defend her behavior by stating that she never hit or yelled at her. However, when I mentioned that CONTROL has many ugly shapes and forms; one of which is manipulating another person’s thoughts and behavior to overpower them- it was evident that emotional abuse was happening. It was a tearful night.

Emotional abuse can be seen verbally; for example, a partner verbally degrading her girlfriend in public or private “you are stupid” and making her jealous or insecure “you will never find someone like me. Women want me, but I chose you.” However, very often it is through economic and financial resources that the abuser controls the victim by rigidly controlling finances; withholding money; making you account for your spending; withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); preventing you from working, sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly, stalking you at work) and stealing from you or taking your money.

If you believe that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can help yourself to get through it by connecting with others. An abuser maintains power by isolating the other person from a loving and protective network. You need to seek others who can give you a more balance view point, and motivate you towards positive change.  Also seek outside help. If you are concerned for your safety, do not hesitate to seek outside help if needed. Once in a safe place, you should connect with supportive services for abused individuals. This can be done through individual therapy (go to your local mental health agency and ask for a referral), group support systems (CODA and other support groups), and private practice.

I think the hardest aspect of abuse is grasping the “why me” effect. We can never answer the question as to why would a person we have chosen to love, has chosen to repay that commitment with fear and control. The question cannot be answered because it is not ours to answer. However, we do have a choice as to how people treat us, and for how long. Honestly, abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance. The greatest lesson in life is learning when to walk away without any answers or apologies, just hard truths.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru orhttp://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

A few months ago I received an email from a woman who was upset, over a conversation that happened with a few of her friends.  One of her acquaintance’s thought that a woman could not call herself a lesbian if she had not being sexually active with another woman.  True, that the primary use for the word lesbian is to describe a woman sexually attracted to another woman; however, there is no indication in that same definition that you must have been sexually active with another woman to be identified as a lesbian.

I would hope that being a lesbian is more than just enjoying and taking pleasure from being sexual with a woman. The majority, often identify us in the narrowest sense of the word. However, lesbianism is not only a sexual orientation, but also a complex system supported by psychological responses, cultural values, societal expectations, and a woman’s own formulation of identity.  It is this narrow and limited understanding that prevents lesbians from getting respect and consideration from the societies we belong too.

When I first come out, I was completely taken by the sexual experience and intimacy of being with another woman. I had never had sex with a woman, but had relentlessly imagined it in my mind (where I am pretty sure I wore some parts of my brain out).  It was only after a few years, and my first real heartbreak that I began to learn the lesbian culture.  I was exposed to music and literature, specifically written and sang in a way that meant something to me and my identity. I did not have to remove the “hims” and “his’” to make it familiar.  I also enjoyed lesbian cinema, where I could visibly dissect the different aspects of a lesbian relationship- they were sadly my only role models.

It was also around that time I made friends in the lesbian community, women who I shared stories with.  I enjoy all of my friendships, but my lesbian friends have a special hold on me (and not because I slept with them, because I do not sleep with my friends); because they understand the passion and craziness of loving a woman.  I discovered the familiar heartaches we experience, and that there is an intricate depth among lesbian women.  Unfortunately, I was also exposed to how vulnerable and alone we are. The little support there is in our society to protect us, for example, for years I was afraid of getting divorce and having my child taken away from me.

Being a lesbian became more than just who I slept with, because even as a single celibate woman I was still a lesbian.  My new identity challenged me to become stronger when faced with hurdles (discrimination and homophobia), but also pushed me to embrace the beautiful and unique differences.  I learned the meaning of community and the reason that standing together is more powerful than standing alone.  I have had the privilege  of being part of a historic time in our community, and fighting for civil rights. None of which have to do with sex, but more so what I represent.

We have enough labels (e.g. baby dyke, butch, femme),  let us not discriminate any further, or with judgement force each other into social/sexual boxes. We all have our own journey in life, and for some that means living openly gay; whereas for others the choice is to live a celibate or heterosexual life- knowingly that their spirit will always be Lesbian.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

As much as I love learning about the topics that I write about, I always find myself getting into trouble for voicing the information in my habitual dry, crude, straight to the point kind of way. So, don’t think this will be any different, because when it comes to vagina’s well I am going to tell you like it is, plus I love trouble

In the last year, I have gotten several emails, one in particular that stated “I had to write about this topic.”  How wet is too wet? The simple answer is “I don’t know!” The truth is that there is no easy way to explain wetness (vaginal lubrication). Our vaginas are like an onion; there are multiple layers each one just as delicate and intricate as the other to make a beautiful yet complicated organ.

You can’t control how wet you get and honestly, I am not always sure what the big concern is, but you can control the health you provide your vagina. A healthy vagina has an acidic pH balance to fight off infections which is provided by bacteria naturally found in our nether regions. Just like saliva cleans and lubricates our mouths, our vaginas work in a similar way, secreting fluids on a regular basis.

All women have discharge, however the amount, the color, and smell vary from woman to woman. Normal discharge may appear clear, cloudy white, and/or yellowish when dry on clothing. Normal discharge can change in appearance and consistency for various reasons including menstrual cycle, hormonal changes, emotional issues, nutrition, medication, and sexual arousal.

Signs that may indicate an infection are: discharge with itching, rash or soreness, persistent increasing discharge, burning on skin during urination, white clumpy discharge (like cottage cheese), and grey/ white or yellow/green discharge with a foul odor. Please seek medical attention or advice, if you have any additional concerns or may be experiencing these symptoms.

During sexual arousal, a woman has an increase in vaginal wetness, especially during the arousal phase. This is due to changes in blood flow and the clitoris dilating, which allows the whole area to become flushed. This increase in wetness has many purposes, one of which is to facilitate penetration and protect the vaginal wall (too little wetness can lead to painful sex).

However, some women I have come to find out are very embarrassed of “how wet” they get. They have asked me if it is a problem and how to fix it. When there is an excessive amount of wetness women fear they will not feel as “tight” or that it feel like they are urinating (female ejaculation). Whatever the reason feeling vulnerable during sex is uncomfortable and sometimes even disheartening.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about, the wetness experienced is just part of your body enjoying the moment, but I understand that this is easier said than done, so here are a few helpful tips:

• This first one is not my favorite, but I have read that you can take an antihistamine. Be mindful to not use one that make you drowsy, but basically this medication dries everything up including your vagina and allergies.

• Place a towel under your body to absorb extra moisture, and you can also have a cloth nearby that you can use for quick clean ups. You can also place a waterproof pad under a towel for additional protection to the bed.

• There are also some creams that can help, but there is not much proof that they work.

• Change your diet to a more vegetarian lifestyle, the cows and your vagina will benefit!

• Finally, there is the Konov Principle, which is bringing a conscious awareness to you vagina and visualizes the optimum and healthy amount of wetness. Like meditation, it needs to be practiced daily to be felt fully.

The best advice I have thought is from me as someone who has been in that situation is that there is only one solution… enjoy the moment and build the sexual goddess that is inside of you.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.