How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.

By Lawrence Durrell

When I was growing up my mother always told me, “Do not be jealous of others. Do not wish for what others have. Do not fight to possess and control someone, because in the end you will be alone as nothing belongings to us but is merely an experience.”  She was a wise Buddhist that attempted to sooth a young adolescents’ tantrums of wants that weren’t fulfilled.

It is true today, that I rarely feel jealous or envy, which I account for my upbringing and the love I was given as a child. Therefore, in the spirit of my mom I would like to pass on a footnote of knowledge hopefully, lightening up the weight of those emotions that have a hunger for our soul: jealous, anger and envy.

I have often heard in therapy and in my own life people projecting this emotion as a trigger of someone else’s behavior, “She makes me Jealous. It’s her fault she makes me this way.” Basically, when it comes to jealous we very quickly pass the buck onto our partners as the creator of this unwelcome feeling. Unfortunately, they are often not to blame as no person is able to create feelings and emotions within us. Only I have the power to create and control what is within me.

Now I know, some of you are thinking “cut the crap with this Zen shit it’s definitely not me, it really is her.” Well, sure they  are cases where partners work very hard to make you jealous, but I would bet money that they are very jealous people themselves and that you are both in heated water suffering from the same illness just different symptoms. The illness is one you probably know as Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity.

When we have negative beliefs about ourselves we are off balance, and feel very much powerless to the world. We will even try regaining this power by bargaining with our partners by saying things like: “If you wouldn’t … then I wouldn’t react this way.” However this has very little success in the real world often neither you achieve your goal because this is not a balance within yourself and simply a quick exchange of false power.

So, in order to eliminate jealous we must only look within ourselves and start the change there, addressing our beliefs that create the emotions. Your relationship will change once you eliminate jealous, and even anger and envy will subside.

Here is how to begin the process:

• Build your inner power, so that you see that you have control over your emotions and don’t become a bulldozer that is reactive.
• Look at the whole picture. What are you jealous of? What is the underlying emotion. Focus: is it perhaps fear, abandonment, unworthiness that your experiencing? Delay you reaction by understanding where it is coming from?
• What are you inner core beliefs about yourself and the world? Identify you triggers? Example: I get jealous of my girlfriend, because I fear abandonment and that she may leave me for someone better.
• Just because you feel and believe something does not make it a fact. Learn to separate and question yourself.
• Be the creator of your inner world. You have the ability to create the images you project into your mind and the emotions you choose to experience.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

We would like to think we are stronger than we are and more emotionally stable then the next person, however that would be hard to prove.  Even more so it would be difficult to believe.  We all carry baggage and issues in our past that cause us to occasionally feel unsteady and shaken.

There are very few of us that can honestly say we are as stable and strong as we seem, for the rest of us it is a daily battle of finding that equilibrium. When people come into therapy it is for one reason, there is something in their lives that has became unmanageable. There is something that has been putting pressure underneath their skin like a splinter that has embedded it self and is now an infection.

What is that splinter whose mucous pus is causing so much pain in our lives? PEOPLE! It is usually a person or group of people. It is amazing how much power we give to others over us. It never ceases to amaze me how we allow others to create fears and anxiety to such levels that we are unable to function or become dysfunctional.

Dysfunctional is the clinical term for when the engine of our Begin is not running smoothly, and a little oil and TLC is needed. When we have allowed the action and behavior of ourselves and another to cause friction in different areas of our life, such as school, work, friendships, family, spiritually, and health. We start throwing rocks into our engine, when we have either built barriers or have poor boundaries with others.

We all have a personal boundary, it is an imaginary line that surrounds you and protects you from situations and peoples you feel threatened by. When the threat is real this boundary is indispensable to our survival, but sometimes the threats are not what they appear. Our past can cause us to imagine threats that are not there, when we have learnt mistrust and that everyone is an enemy.

When we have difficulty trusting we see treats that aren’t always there. Our boundaries soon became barriers or walls that are most likely causing us harm rather then providing protection. As kids we aren’t always taught healthy boundaries and we are forced to allow people closer then we feel comfortable.  We may have felt that those we have allowed close took over our inner thoughts and feeling, abusing the lines that protect us, our boundaries.

As children we learn in situations like these, where are personal boundaries were not respected, to build walls instead.  A learnt situation could be something like your parents wanting to know if your gay because of behaviors they have noticed, or being forced to date a guy so show you straightness, but it could also be something as destructive as sexual or physical abuse. In any of theses cases we will probably build walls as a coping mechanisms.

Unfortunately, as we grow older tools such as building excellent walls to survive the powerlessness of childhood, became weapons in adulthood.  If we cannot let our lover in and trust her, she well never feel like she is in a committed relationship and there will be no intimacy.  I have noticed in my own past and hearing stories from my clients that when we have walls we are emotionally unavailable. For most of us it’s been a life long experience that we have completely became unaware of this tapping out process. You most likely heard your partner call you “distant” or felt the neediness of you partner that seems to never be fulfilled.

When we are emotionally unavailable we cannot commit and we also happen to attract the emotionally needy. Human dynamics is an extraordinary thing where the magnets of our soul attract people who will continue to push the unmanageable monster within us as we will for them.

Here are some key steps in developing healthy boundaries:

1. Learn when others are not respecting your boundaries, for example when people are: over-enmeshment, disassociated, there is excessive detachment, victimized or martyrdom, aloofness or shyness, cold and distant, always in your face/smothering, and don’t respect your privacy.

2. Why are you letting others do these thing to you, most likely you have thoughts or ideas that you deserve it or that you are to blame in some way. At this stage seeing a therapist would be recommended to help you work through these maladaptive thoughts and damaging self-belief system.

3. Swap the old for the new! Get some healthier ideas and thought about yourself if something is not working for you let it go and try something new. For example, go from “maybe I deserve this abuse” to” I want people to respect me. I want a partner who supports me.”

4. Identify behaviors that will help to stay healthy, for example learn how to say “NO” and “thank you but no thank you.”

5. Be consistent once you decided to change. You have identified how do it, now do it in all areas of your life. Remember being healthy is a skill so the more you do it the more competent you become at it! So get practicing!

You deserve the life you want and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let anyone treat you any less.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

I remember waking many a nights to my nanny’s (in South Africa it was custom to have a live in maid) screams, her room opposite mine was separated by a small yard.  I witness in the darkness her husband beating her with sticks as thick as a baseball bat. She would be crying, bleeding and bruised, while police officers escort him out. My mother and father gently holding her, cleaning her face and would take her back to her bed where a week later he would be sleeping next to her again. The cycle continuously going, yes I was taught young what a good beating looked like, it was stained in my minds eye like her blood on our cement ground.

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that uses coercion, dominance or isolates the other partner.  It is a form of power that is enforced by one person over the other to gain control within the relationship. There are many kinds of abuse, unfortunately the most often common ones used go unnoticed as they do not leave physical evidence behind.

Theses are:

• Physical Abuse – hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
• Isolation: Restricting Freedom – controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
• Psychological & Emotional Abuse – constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them
• Stalking / Harassing Behavior – following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
• Threats & Intimidation – threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
• Economic Abuse – controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
• Sexual Abuse/Harassment – forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance
• Property Destruction – destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows, throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions.

(Source: http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/lesbianrx/factsheet.shtml)

There are also unfortunately many myths about Lesbian Relationships, such as “Women are not abusive – only men are,” “Lesbians are always equal in relationships.  It is not abuse, it is a relationship struggle,” “Abusive lesbians are more “butch,” larger, apolitical or have social lives that revolve around the bar culture,” “Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse,” “Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men and are therefore not as responsible for what they do,” and “It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner.”

Myths are a terrible thing as they isolate individuals and keep us from reality, in abuse specifically that no one is immune from the cycle of abuse, just because we are women that does not mean there is equality. Abuse does not have boundaries and can occur despite of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation, lifestyle, or physical attributes. We attempt to always justify the actions of those we love, but in the end there is no excuse for abuse, no matter what the triggers were. Once a partner takes responsibility for the abuse the cycle will change, however that is not always a possibility and the most isolating fact is that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy.

In addition, it is unfortunate, but there are also many differences that separate us from abuse in the straight world that isolates us further and increases our danger. For example, there is very limited amount of services that exist specifically for abused and abusive lesbians.  Lesbians often have little knowledge of the abuse cycle or even how to report incidences of violence to a therapist, police officer or medical personnel or we are met with insensitive staff at shelter or help lines.

Our culture and society still very much homophobic denies that lesbians exist or are even capable of having relationships, let alone acknowledging abusive ones.  Society’s attitude toward homosexuality is such that often it ranges from “that’s not my problem” to “those people are not stable or unhealthy.” We may also be fearful of breaking up with our partner as it confirms our sexual orientation; and that others may not believe the abuse or we could lose friends and support within the lesbian community.

 If you are being abuse, there are things that you can do:

1. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for others action, therefore you can not be responsible for the abuse.
2. Violence will not stop by itself. I am sorry to say this but, the violent phases will become more frequent and more sever. You do not have the power to change people, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are it has nothing to do with you.
3. Speak! Tell someone please. Someone you trust and that will believe you.
4. Get help. Go Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. 
5. You are the only one that has power over you. You can choose and decide what you want from a relationship. You can decide if it is a relationship you want to stay in or leave but, please develop a safety plan first. This should include: a safe place to stay; emergency phone numbers; some money; your own bank account; post office box; and bag of essentials.

We often hear stories of people in bad situation, and we assume that it will never happen to us or someone we love but life has a way of pushing us out of our pink clouds and see the reality of life and the lessons that need to be learnt. I have counseled may victim of domestic violence as well as those who have been the abusers, and from my heart there is only one emotion that I have seen that keeps individuals in dangerous and unfufilling cycles- Shame.

Shame, fear, pride, and anger are the main emotions and feelings we see in abuse. recognize them in yourself so you can move forward and see the clearing of where you need to go.

If you feel your life is in the cycle of domestic violence only you can make the call and get help. This may not be what you expected or the life you planned to live. Call the National Domestic Violence Hot line 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help and information. You might also consider visiting this website The Safety Zone where you can have help and learn how to insure your abuser is not aware of your internet activities and search for help.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Are just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

Further Reading:

Chesley, Laurie C et al.  (1994). Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: A Handbook of Information and Resources.  Republished as a chapter in “Lesbian Health Guide,” edited by Regan McClure and Annie Vespry.  Toronto: Queer Press.

Pharr, S. (1988).  Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism.  Little Rock: Chardon Press.

Lobel, K. (1986).  Naming the Violence.  Seattle: Seal Press.