How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

“Trust me.
Trust me. I would never hurt you.
Trust me. I will never leave you.
Trust me. I will not cheat on you.
Trust me. I will never abuse you, harm you, and not care for you.
Trust me. I will never lie to you, because it’s different with you.
Trust me.
Trust me because everything I just told you is what I fear in myself.
Trust me to not know any different but to hurt you so you feel my pain
Trust me to not know any different but to leave you when I am scared
Trust me to cheat on you when I am done using you
Trust me to hit, scream, manipulate, yell, ignore, and be completely indifferent to you
Because everything I ever told you was a lie and the only difference was that you believed me.
Thank you for trusting me.”

Trust, a word thrown around more then “I love you” without meaning  or sincerity.   I get so sick of hearing it that I have built an immediate “no expectation” rule as soon as its spoken.  The truth is many have not a clue what it means to trust another human being. Most of us know its power, that as soon as it is uttered out of your lips, like a fish line in water the hook has been placed.

Trust, when you break down the word to its purest meaning it’s the confidence in another to be honest with you, faithful to their word, keep promises, confide in you, and not abandon you.

Trust, it requires that you have an understanding or have a realistic perspective about others and their expectation of failure.

Like a cypress tree it takes time to grow, needing an environment of consistency in what is being said and actions taken, it’s love, forgiveness and acceptance.  Where power and control are surrendered as part of a destructive force in a relationship, and expectations are lowered.

When women come into our lives they are broken, that is one truth you can hold in your trust.  That we begin breaking as soon as we leave the womb.  Every piece of our history and past has left marks and wounds that complicate our knowing of self and the way we deal with our relationships.

If she tells you she’s hurt every other women she’s been in a relationship with, she is telling you the truth, and she is also warning you.  If she tells you that in her past relationships there was difficulty in communication, abuse, anger, abandonment ect… she’s warning you. She’s telling you “I have been broken, this is my pattern, and this is who I am.”

Previous pain hurts, fears, and losses can interfere in a relationship and determine the success of a relationship. 

We are fragile. You can tell me you are strong, that you overcome great battles but not without scares and fears.

Therefore we need to readjust our reality of what others are capable of and when you choose to trust.  Trust grows with the relationship. As you share with each other you begin to build an understanding of the woman you have begun to care for.  You give yourself time to see if the person is authentic and determine their character, needs, attitudes, motivations, goals, and of course, their fears.

Trust grows from unconditional love. When she expresses kindness and you feel her acceptance, you feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest about who you are and how you feel. Trust is when you are communicating openly, sharing feelings, failures, and ideas.

So ask yourself, how does she communicate to you? Do you feel love, kindness, is it open or are you scared and feel powerless. I always ask would they talk to their family or friends this way.  If I know that this inpatient, angry or unstable communication is mine alone to endure I take a step back after I have communicated how I feel about the relationship and re-evaluate if it is a situation I want to CHOOSE to stay in.

I cannot be in a fear-based relationship as it creates distrust, dishonesty, mixed messages, pain, and breaks down intimacy.

People can change but only if they want to. People can change if they are willing to let go of the fears and pains that have been setting them back, when they can let go of control and forgive themselves for failures. People can change when they let go of the notion of perfection, and that because there is no perfection, you will disappoint your partner.

When we can accept are imperfections and see how another person loves us with the knowledge of all that makes us imperfect you will never feel a greater love.  The freedom to share, be true to yourself without fear, make mistakes with the opportunity to learn forgiveness and growth. WOW. Real love. Real trust.

A wondrous adventure with another person, who was once a stranger that chose you, to be with you, to grow with you. Now that is something to chase and run too rather then looking in your rearview mirror at all the could haves, should haves, and would haves.

Tell me, what’s in front of you? Is there something you could do differently today? Are you treating each other with kindness? Is there something you can let go so you can begin forgiveness and growth towards a new direction? Tell me, are you doing what you need too to be trustful?

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

Some days I just want to give up. I don’t want to have to try so hard anymore or wonder if it will ever happen for me, finding that someone that completes me that makes things right and that won’t leave.

I never felt that way in the straight world, I always felt secure in my relationships with men. Now looking back, it could be that  I was relaxed in the safety of knowing that no matter what happened with them I would be fine.

Being a Lesbian and finding my identity has been a challenge and has pushed me to understand the dynamics of gay/lesbian relationships and why they flourish or fail. For years I have been living in a surreal notion of what being with a person should look like, but the truth has been complicated and hurtful and left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

As my wounds heal and my journey of self and health continues I have met many along the way that have helped me come slowly closer to understanding gay relationships. The lesbian world is unstable and a vicious mix of insecurities and fears.  Lesbian relationships are hard enough, but women are susceptible to issues that often men will never understand or know. Isolation, distrust, abandonment, abuse plagues our community and often it pushes us away from each other.

So how do we overcome our fears, how can we CREATE a functioning and healthy relationship? 

1. Stop guessing what is normal! Stop looking at the TV, Jill and Mary who have the perfect relationship, and anything else that has nothing to do with you or is surreal. Make your own version of NORMAL with your partner. Find what works for the two of you, not anyone else.
2. Relationships are a project and they need work, LOTS of it and time. You need to develop the relationship and invest trust slowly. Allowing it to grow according to what you are both willing to share.
3. Stop lying! I know it seems easier than disappointing your lady and dealing with guilt, but it will catch up with you and then trust will be compromised in people who already have difficulty with it.
4. Accept who you are and please STOP judging yourself without mercy. Instead of finding fault in yourself try and look at the issue and make a decision from there. Look at how you behave. Become an observer of self, not a critique; learn your responses to stress and anxiety. Remember, when you judge yourself you are also inclined to start judging others, and that can be hurtful.
5. Have fun… let your loved ones teach you how. Ask them to teach you how!
6. Stop taking life so seriously!
7. Confront your difficulty with intimate relationships. If you cannot trust you cannot be intimate with a person because intimacy is a commitment and a vulnerability that a couple share and that makes them stronger.
8. Stop overacting to change; you do not have CONTROL of everything. Be flexible and if the rules and norm change or need to change, talk about it.
9. You don’t need everyone’s approval and affirmation all the time. You need to see that within yourself, otherwise you will NEVER believe the woman that sees all the beauty within you.
10. You are not so different from anyone else. We all struggle with relationships, with people, and the world. Hang in there. You are not alone and you are not different!
11. You are extremely loyal even when the evidence shows you shouldn’t be- loyalty to yourself comes first and don’t let anyone abuse you.
12. We are either super responsible or super irresponsible- you need to be okay with asking for help and remember, you don’t have to handle everything alone. You are not alone and intimacy is built on asking for help on making yourself vulnerable. Say the words “I need you,” “Hear me out,” and “Can you help me.”
13. Take one step at a time and stop acting impulsively. A relationship is a journey and you need to pace yourself when getting there.

Just because you know what you don’t want does not mean you know what you do want. You need to work on yourself daily and your relationships. You need to learn what a healthy lesbian relationship is because our role models are limited. You need to learn and be active in wanting to achieve a healthy lesbian relationship, and you are going to have to change habits to make it happen. You will struggle, You will make mistakes, You will feel discouraged, that is unavoidable, but amazingly you will also feel trust, love, happiness, growth, security, support, serenity, companionships, partnerships, excitement, sharing and so many other joys.

You will never know unless you take the challenge. You will never have the love you want or family you desire if you don’t make the choice to challenge yourself and let go of everything you know to try something different.

There is the cliff… Jump… I can’t tell you how you’ll fall but you won’t die from it and you may just surprise yourself on what you land on.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

Last week I had the opportunity to interview a lady by the name of Barb who is the creator of the organization romancescams.org. She described her story as to how she fell victim to the not so new but ever growing industry of people conning others using the net and love.

Barb was approached in 2005 by a man on her yahoo messenger claiming to be someone that was interested in her. After developing a relationship for a couple of weeks she gave him her number which lead to a conversation where she came to the realization that he was not who he claimed to be and that his intentions were criminal.

 Barb was lucky.  She found out before any real damage could be done. Most will not be as fortunate and will fall victim to their hearts and a slippery manipulative tongue, all of which leads to being heavily in debt, both financially and emotionally.

It is easy to lose track of the dangers in this world and the cruelty that can be inflicted by others from behind our computer screens in the safety of our  own homes. Alas My Dears we are never safe, awareness should never be turned off but simply adjusted just like your thermostat.  As beautiful a creation as the internet is, it brings with it many pit falls, you will have to learn what they are and how to avoid them just as you do when learning to drive a car.

First, LGBTQ members are not safe because these scammers don’t care what or where you are, they just want your money so even if you born with green polka dots you need to be careful.

Here is what you need to look for: 

1. They immediately want to get off the website and onto Yahoo IM or MSN IM
2. Their profile seems to disappear off the website immediately after conversation begins
3. They claim it was destiny or fate and that you are meant to be together
4. They immediately ask for your picture and they send you a picture of themselves
5. They immediately want your address so as to send you flowers, candy, and teddy bears, often purchased with stolen credit cards
6. They claim to love you either immediately or within 24-48 hours
7. They immediately start using pet names with you, like baby.
8. They claim God brought you to them
9. They typically claim to be from the US (or your local region) but they are overseas, or going overseas mainly to Nigeria, sometimes the UK for business or family matters
10. Their spelling and grammar is atrocious and inconsistent (NO I am not a Scammer I am a real alien, thank you very much!)
11. Their grammar is not consistent with how Americans speak, French speak etc.
12. They appear uneducated with their speaking/writing skills
13. They IM at unusual hours for your time zone
14. They like to send you poems or love letters, most of which can be traced back to lovingyou.com. Sometimes they even forget to change the name in the poem or letter to match your name
15. They do not like to answer personal questions about themselves and tend to ignore questions all together
16. A majority of them claim to have lost a spouse/child/parent in a horrific traffic accident or airplane accident or any of the above or claim to be sick or in the hospital
17. They have no close family or friend or business associates to turn to, even the US embassy, instead they can only rely on a stranger they picked off the Internet
18. To them love equals financial assistance…if you do not send them money or help them out with what they ask, you do not love them

 These are just a few so look it up and if you think that anyone has done this to you report is to places like romancescams.org so that they can work at stopping these criminal clusters.

 Don’t be fooled! Love takes time to grow and being in love doesn’t mean you have to give up your social security card (never give these digits up!), credit card, or telephone number until you feel comfortable and are sure after asking millions of questions. We all want to find love and we all want to be adored and these guys know that and they do this all day long so they know just what to tell you.

So be smarter and don’t be scared to call people on their shit if you smell inconsistencies. If they are who they say they are their story will stick time and time again, and if they truly care as much as their words tell you then their actions will match.

Alright Loves, take care and stay safe in cyberspace!

P.S. It’s crazy how much I look like a scammer on paper but rest assured I’m not after your money, just your desire for learning!

 ~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru