How to have amazing Lesbian Relationships, Love, Sex and Passion

Growing up I was only warned of two types of abuse. As grateful as I am that my parents took the time to describe these forms of abuse to me, and then proceed to in grain them in my youthful mind; there were many things they left out. Unfortunately, the forms of abuse that are often identified are physical or sexual abuse. And although, there are both forms of abuse, we go on further to stereotype them by stating that physical and sexual abuse happens with men against women. It is this limited view and generalization that leads people to feel alone and unnoticed, and why so many lesbians in abusive relationships remain hidden behind society’s biases and ignorance.

In therapy, I have often had to identify a form of abuse that is difficult to verbalize- Emotional Abuse. One of the most common abuses found between women, especially in lesbian relationhips. For most of us, this type of abuse remains hidden by words and ignored by others. I have had to explain to my clients “it’s the type of pain someone causes that leaves no physical marks and is easily forgiven as there is no evidence of abuse.”

It is easy to forgive emotional abuse, because we can simply explain it away through personality differences, “that’s just how she is or talks… she means nothing by it… she’s never hit me or anything.” However, the pain is memorable, destructive, and should not be explained away- in fact, its power pulls the victim to self-punish and feel guilty for feeling sad, or hurt, or abused, because there are no physical traces left behind.

One of my dear friend’s became very upset with me when I told her she was being emotionally abused. She defensively fought back that her girlfriend was more experienced with a dominant personality. She continued to defend her behavior by stating that she never hit or yelled at her. However, when I mentioned that CONTROL has many ugly shapes and forms; one of which is manipulating another person’s thoughts and behavior to overpower them- it was evident that emotional abuse was happening. It was a tearful night.

Emotional abuse can be seen verbally; for example, a partner verbally degrading her girlfriend in public or private “you are stupid” and making her jealous or insecure “you will never find someone like me. Women want me, but I chose you.” However, very often it is through economic and financial resources that the abuser controls the victim by rigidly controlling finances; withholding money; making you account for your spending; withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); preventing you from working, sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly, stalking you at work) and stealing from you or taking your money.

If you believe that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can help yourself to get through it by connecting with others. An abuser maintains power by isolating the other person from a loving and protective network. You need to seek others who can give you a more balance view point, and motivate you towards positive change.  Also seek outside help. If you are concerned for your safety, do not hesitate to seek outside help if needed. Once in a safe place, you should connect with supportive services for abused individuals. This can be done through individual therapy (go to your local mental health agency and ask for a referral), group support systems (CODA and other support groups), and private practice.

I think the hardest aspect of abuse is grasping the “why me” effect. We can never answer the question as to why would a person we have chosen to love, has chosen to repay that commitment with fear and control. The question cannot be answered because it is not ours to answer. However, we do have a choice as to how people treat us, and for how long. Honestly, abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance. The greatest lesson in life is learning when to walk away without any answers or apologies, just hard truths.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru orhttp://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

A few months ago I received an email from a woman who was upset, over a conversation that happened with a few of her friends.  One of her acquaintance’s thought that a woman could not call herself a lesbian if she had not being sexually active with another woman.  True, that the primary use for the word lesbian is to describe a woman sexually attracted to another woman; however, there is no indication in that same definition that you must have been sexually active with another woman to be identified as a lesbian.

I would hope that being a lesbian is more than just enjoying and taking pleasure from being sexual with a woman. The majority, often identify us in the narrowest sense of the word. However, lesbianism is not only a sexual orientation, but also a complex system supported by psychological responses, cultural values, societal expectations, and a woman’s own formulation of identity.  It is this narrow and limited understanding that prevents lesbians from getting respect and consideration from the societies we belong too.

When I first come out, I was completely taken by the sexual experience and intimacy of being with another woman. I had never had sex with a woman, but had relentlessly imagined it in my mind (where I am pretty sure I wore some parts of my brain out).  It was only after a few years, and my first real heartbreak that I began to learn the lesbian culture.  I was exposed to music and literature, specifically written and sang in a way that meant something to me and my identity. I did not have to remove the “hims” and “his’” to make it familiar.  I also enjoyed lesbian cinema, where I could visibly dissect the different aspects of a lesbian relationship- they were sadly my only role models.

It was also around that time I made friends in the lesbian community, women who I shared stories with.  I enjoy all of my friendships, but my lesbian friends have a special hold on me (and not because I slept with them, because I do not sleep with my friends); because they understand the passion and craziness of loving a woman.  I discovered the familiar heartaches we experience, and that there is an intricate depth among lesbian women.  Unfortunately, I was also exposed to how vulnerable and alone we are. The little support there is in our society to protect us, for example, for years I was afraid of getting divorce and having my child taken away from me.

Being a lesbian became more than just who I slept with, because even as a single celibate woman I was still a lesbian.  My new identity challenged me to become stronger when faced with hurdles (discrimination and homophobia), but also pushed me to embrace the beautiful and unique differences.  I learned the meaning of community and the reason that standing together is more powerful than standing alone.  I have had the privilege  of being part of a historic time in our community, and fighting for civil rights. None of which have to do with sex, but more so what I represent.

We have enough labels (e.g. baby dyke, butch, femme),  let us not discriminate any further, or with judgement force each other into social/sexual boxes. We all have our own journey in life, and for some that means living openly gay; whereas for others the choice is to live a celibate or heterosexual life- knowingly that their spirit will always be Lesbian.

~The Lesbian Guru

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.

Recently I was enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book “Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.”  It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are far more likely than any gay or heterosexual relationship to go for years without sex. I did not stay happy nor for that matter very relaxed. I was unaware that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a while with their partner they could mean years!

This is such a sad fact. Now I will be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just could not imagine being with someone I love and not feeling their naked skin pressed up against mine, smelling her as we feel each others warmth.

Now of course there are some exceptions, were sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic is not including individuals struggling with physical or emotional issues, its two healthy individuals who have stop having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that encourages passion and attraction stabilize, it’s common to find differences in desire level and needs, high-desire vs. low-desire individuals.

I have been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what wrong with wanting sex five times a week… minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me out or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I am also a firm believer in compromise and other forms of intimacy.

A healthy relationship starts with good communication, and giving attention to all departments of a relationship, equally.  If you think sex is not important you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier.  Some of us long for a companionship that does not rely on sexual intimacy. At the end, I do not think there is a wrong or right way to be with someone, if there is open safe communication, trust,  and both partners are pursuing a happy healthy relationship.

However, if you and your partner find yourselves on polar opposites of the desire scale, here are some helpful hints:

1. Communicate clearly who you are and what you want (e.g. how much sex you want or how often.)
2. Be aware of each others feelings and talk openly about how you feel. Usually and naturally a partner who is high-desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy whereas a low-desire individual could feel resentful of the demands being made, inadequate, and guilty for holding back sex.
3. Do not lose yourself. While you are negotiating with you partner about the needs and wants, hold on to whom you are and your integrity.
4. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings, and learn to stay calm and sooth yourself.
5. Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a lifelong process, and allows the development of whom we are and our relation to others.
6. Learning and communicating effectively who you are and your needs could be the key in rekindling desire and passion.
7. No one in a relationship gets their way all the time.
8. Sexual desire does not have to be something you wait for to build in order to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
9. Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (e.g. masturbating); have getaways, bath and shower together, have sex in different places, break the routine, give each other massages, remind each other how special you are, have date nights, spend some time apart (so you can miss each other), have make-out sessions, be romantic (buy flowers), write poems or letters to one another, meet somewhere and pretend like you are strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies, and take risks together.
10. Be an active participant in your relationship, mind that you do not become just part of the scenery.

Relationship evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner you will have to reevaluate ever so often those decisions and change what is not working. The art of love is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of yourselves and others.

There was a time I would have said that this is all too much work, and really I am all about the passion stage, having as much sex as I can handle, and that I am better off on my own. However, I am slowly learning that intimacy comes in many shapes and that with negotiation, endurance and hardship that the passion can be even more exciting after having crossed life’s obstacles with someone I love- and it’s only the beginning.

~The Lesbian Guru

Recommended reading:

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships by Merilee Clunis and Dorsey Green

Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples by Glenda Corwin

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us by Felice Newman

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or  just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru.