Cinderella, Snow White, and Walt Disney… Fucked me up!
When I was young I believed I had a soul mate, I thought if I just grew up and was patient enough I would be brought to them and we would live happily ever after with our ten babies (Thank God that part did not happen, I can barely manage one baby!)
I do not know where I got this fantastical image from, most likely from Mr. Disney and his tales of love and happiness after the storm. The heroines having overcome great sadness and tragedy eventually find there one true love and live the good life (with money included as they all turned out to be royalty.)
Even today I began to cry as I watched my four-year old entertained by Beauty & The Beast, I remember belting out loud in song as a child watching love in film and wanting that life repeating the lyrics like a recipe to a magic love potion “and there she was, oh who would have thought…” I felt like telling her “Baby don’t listen to that bullshit, there is no prince or happiness that is forever, there is only heart aches and a bunch of psychopaths that unfortunately you will kiss and get hurt by!” Yes, yes, yes, shit, shit, and shit! I am such a jaded, bitter lesbian as I listen to those words and my tears watered my body and its emotional pains.
It would take many years of therapy by clever educated therapists to explain to me and mostly argue with that there is no such thing as a consistently happy forever relationship and that as perfect as I may attempt to become, love affairs would end!
At first I would internalize the pain and be confused or dismayed. Really? There is no such thing? But she is perfect it must be me? I did something and that is why my Princess is gone!
That was soon followed by my famous angry rants and fighting back, “Do you know how many damn toads I have had to kiss (sorry if you are an ex!)… Do you know how many times I have had to go through this! I am sick of this shit! I am sick of people and I am sick of giving and not getting anything back but pain and being left with a little more of myself being poisoned by doubt!”
Not only that, but when I really think about it the very few relationships I have had with men have been good. In fact, they lasted years (remember there was only two of them) and they treated me like a princess. We were not only partners but best friends. I never felt I had a problem being with men except I felt NOTHING. I loved them dearly but they always seemed to be more like a “distant” cousin whose company I enjoyed.
Now women, wow that’s a whole different story! I never even knew what being “foolishly crazy, I will die without you, in love” meant until I met my first girlfriend. She was absolutely out of this world and I thought I could never be or want anything different. She completed me and made me feel like I was walking on air. Sadly I soon realized that love and air aren’t enough and I fell so hard I thought I would never walk again!
Unfortunately my “soul mate” was so hurt by all her previous loves that moving across the USA was out of the question. She had apparently done too many things before for love and she was unwilling to change environment’s for me! So I packed my shit and left. I had no choice and apparently she did not either.
Well for a year I thought about it, and in that year I was in two short term relationships that almost drove me to the loony bin! I got angry and more skeptical of women to the point that I even hated them for a while. Every gay relationship created a scare in me that now makes my first love more human, and I finally understand her resistance to change, what for? When everyone leaves or hurts you!
I did not want to ever be with anyone again and at the same time I could not let go of my childhood dream of finding love and I hated myself for it, but most of all my ghost who ruined me! It not only ruined me but made me feel like crap, can you believe that the last two women actually told me that I was TOO healthy for them, what the fuck does that mean??? Well they were right but still, get healthy don’t give up and stay sick!
Well this healthy bitch has a new attitude for this next year; I decided to develop a Relapse Prevention Plan for my Love Life. NO more Miss “easy-going, whatever you need Baby, I understand.” I am going to have some boundaries and rules and I will be consistent. So watch out ladies! This is a plan where I know my past downfalls from love and I have coping skills to deal with them, very similar to what I do with individuals with addiction.
- MOVE slowly. There is absolutely no way you are moving in with me on the first date, or second, or even third for that matter. Now, if you are still around after about the seventh we shall see (just kidding I am trying for at least three months, and that is still short. I would like 6 to 9 months if possible.)
- DO NOT make any promises! That is absolutely forbidden in my house. I make no promises and I expect nothing that I have not asked for and you have not agreed too.
- I want Action not Words. It’s fantastic that you think I am beautiful and that you say I love you a million times a day, and send me cute little texts that we shall live happily ever after but if that is not followed through with action it means shit to me. For example, I tell my partner, “don’t say sorry, show me you have changed.” If I hear sorry more then twice for the same behavior we need to rethink this relationship.
- RESPECT, not only me and my family but yourself. Take care of yourself, ask for help, know when to get help, love who you are to know well enough that you deserve me to love you with all of who I am. Love yourself enough to know you deserve not to be used, abused, and hurt in a relationship with me. Love yourself enough to enjoy having what you want out of life and love!
- LOVE THY SELF. I am going to love me and know that what I think and feel of myself is true ALWAYS and that I do not need someone to validate that or fulfill it! That I have worked hard in every area of my life and that I am still pursuing those dreams, goals and that if someone wants to share that with me that they accept me as I am!
- Be okay with being ALONE. Love myself in my times of solitude and take them as moment of falling in love with who I am. Use those times to find new parts to discover or that have been forgotten!
- Have FAITH, HOPE, and TRUST that what is meant to be will be and that you can only work so hard, if the other person lets go then I need to accept and move forward. If life is a journey then maybe one person may not be the destination, for some it may be many. For others it may be one.
- So on that note do not COMPARE or be UNREALISTIC. No, I am not Cinderella or Pocahontas (even though I would date her in a heart beat, yes I know she is a cartoon, so what!) I am Alex and no one else and that is my perfection. I don’t need a fantasy or someone else’s life. I just need to be able to know what I want, need, and wish for and pursue those three with words and goals.
- NO REGRETS, NO RESENTMENTS! There are many things that I did not get or should not have gone after but I truly believe in learning and that life is about tasting the fruits and finding your favorites. So thank you to all my past loves, for once I thought you ghosts, today you are my treasures of history that have set me forth and made me wiser.
What you think? Need to add something or change anything? Tell me what your plan is?
~The Lesbian Guru
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://www.TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru
Alex, I would just like to make a few comments to your blog. First from what I read you have not been in the “lesbian” lifestyle for that long, and by no means do I mean that as a shot to you. But, being as young as you are and only being “out” for a few years, there are many things that one learns, Hopefully, at least after time and expirience. A child rushes in, a child make decisions based on fairy tale dreams, Not a mature self aware woman. So with that being said, you have mentioned those things that you have done in the “child-like” place you were in. It does take going through these expieriences to understand them completely, so no fault to you. You also mention your relationships with men were on good, but again, are you not talking about relationships you have had as a child, and no, age maturity does not count for actual life expirience. So you have made some bad choices, jumped in to fast, thinking you have found the next “BEST” thing. As many people do who live in the realm of that fairy tale stance. What I am suggesting here Alex is that allow yourself time to expirience life to find you, as a womyn, as yourself, an out proud lesbian, that has not had that definition defined by the relationships they have been in. I would definately recommend being alone, especially with a young child, find you, find your best self, become who you are meant to be. Without confusing your child further from the misconception of disney vs. the misconception of reality and failed, rushed, whirlwind relationships.
Thoughtfully yours,
Nic
Wow Alex, this is my favorite so far, seriously!!! This is soo true and has helped me to begin to understand how losing your love can only make you stronger and wiser. I really do believe this, if only it didnt hurt sooo badly to learn these leassons, but then again anything worth having doesn’t always come easy, thanks for your insight, e
I agree with Ellen, this is by far my favorite article of yours Alex!! I really love how personal yet informative it is. To me life is truly about the three L’s: Living, Loving, and Learning…each with it’s on yin/yang experiences…and like you, I don’t regret anything that has come and/or gone from those experiences and I have in turn learned to live fuller, love deeper, and like you, I have become all the more wiser…Thank You!!
Dear Nicky,
Thank you for your note and although at first I was slightly confused as to your intention in your words I believe that you were being kind and showing guidance.
I will also say this much, it is easy to make an assumption on a person from one piece of writing but do not be fouled by my appearance or my child-like sense of sharing- for within the cover of this book/persona lies pages rich in life experience.
Thank you for reading and sharing… and may we continue to grow wiser.
very good articl… not just on what walt thought on ideal love life …on how we jump in relationships without being ready on wtithout working everything out or ironing out problems in the relationships that may lead to failure. Please read the articlle.