Have Limits Damn It!
Working in the substance abuse field I often come across an array of personality disorders, they can be characterized by long-term, rigid patterns of thinking and behaviors that create problems in life and relationships and inhibit one’s ability to function in the world.
The definition really does not give this kind of manifestation of traits in a person justice, having this syndrome places great stress on the person as well as their systems. If you have had the pleasure of having someone with a personality disorder in your life you know what I mean, they can be abusive then loving, then suicidal all in the span of 10 minutes. It’s confusing to the outsider, and worst of all being around them can breakdown and sicken a whole family. It is really a hard cross to bare but with a little work and commitment to a healthy mind it can be managed.
Being that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender’s (LGBT) have a high rate of mental illness, substance use or abuse, and limited support or resources means that you really need to be your own advocate in getting help. Until we have more availability it’s up to you to find a provider and work with them while building a loving support system.
I am here to help and this lesson is really valuable in maintaining healthy communication, one that I constantly have to remind myself of when working with Personality Disorders, children, teens, and just individuals with poor boundaries (they can not see how their behavior affects others!). 
The secret is limits, these groups of people and my three year old are famous for pushing your buttons until you scream! Therefore you need to become a Master at Communicating Your Limits. Here is how you do it using the DEAR technique:
Always pick a good time to talk and share. This means when the person is stable and doing well. Most of us will shy away from doing it because we fear upsetting the person, but you still would not attempt it if they were mad so happy is a better time then never. Personally, in the past I have set times to sit down and talk, so we are both prepared.
Describe the issue without making judgment or exaggerating and be as objective as possible and as detailed as you can. Pretend you are reading out of a book and describing the situation, try not to pretend what you think the other person’s feelings or intentions were. Just describe your view of what happened.
Express how you feel clearly about a specific situation or opinion. Using “I” statements will allow you to take responsibility for your feelings and share them openly. For example, “I feel frightened to come to you sometimes and share how I feel because I do not know what you will do.”
Assert your limits, making it a preference on how you would like to be treated, and explain that it is the behavior that makes you uncomfortable. For example, one of my Personal Rules is that “if you want to resolve this we need to do it calmly and when the child is out of the house.”
People will try and make it a competition on who is right or wrong and debate your feelings. Stand strong with your feet firmly on the ground and restate if you have to “I get what you are saying and that you have these feelings and that you feel that I am being ridiculous but the fact still remains that your yelling, lying, etc. (whatever the behavior) to me is unacceptable, and I need/want it to stop.”
Reinforce the good in changing the behavior, if possible. For example “If we can communicate without yelling at each other then I can hear what you have to say. I care about your thoughts and feelings and I will feel safe in sharing my own.” Do not use treats, this is manipulative and will backfire. Always act for yourself, not in order to control someone else.
There are a lot of people who struggle to understand that others have feelings and may get upset and hurt and forget that you still love them even though you are in disagreement, so you might have to remind them. One thing I have encountered in the past is “You must hate me, you don’t love me anymore.” You can respond back, “Of Course I do not hate you, I love you! In fact I care about you and this relationship so much that I want to work this out. I also care enough about myself to know that this is something I need to talk to you about.”
Even with the best intentions and communication skills you may still hit many walls and not get your message across, just remain consistent and believe that you are worth the resolution. People have very sensitive and fragile egos and will often want to become defensive, this is a normal attempt in self-preservation as they see you being unhappy and possibly abandoning them. Communicating Limits with The Lesbian Guru
Keep your intentions true and focus on what you can manage and control, YOU!
~The Lesbian Guru
Please Subscribe for future articles and if you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru
No comments yet.